There Will Be No Cure for Cancer (At Least Not Soon)

Spent the last week in Boston.

Toured everywhere, including the Freedom Trail, the Sam Adams’ Brewery, Fenway Park, Salem, Plymouth, Harvard and…

…MIT.

I hesitate to tell you about MIT because it was there that I might have changed the fate of the world.

You see, the big brains there come up with equations that create powerful weapons and cure cancer and alter the cosmos.

I know this personally, because I walked into one of the buildings and saw a huge complex formula written on a whiteboard.

I’m not sure what it was a formula for, but I know it was important.  Because it looked important.

Until I did this:

That’s right.  I picked up a pen and started drawing right in the middle of this confusing thing.

So if the cure for cancer is delayed a few years, at least know this.

It was a nice doodle.

Losing Hope

I separate all of humanity into people that I know I’ll like and those I won’t.

And I have an ironclad way of predicting that.

I don’t like anyone whose name can be a verb.

Bob.  Chuck.  Drew.  Grant.  Pat.  Rob.  Sue.  Wade.

All bad people.

And it doesn’t necessarily have to be spelled the same as a verb.  It just has to sound the same.

Take that, Phil, Mary and Barry.

This is in contrast to the noun folk.  You can always trust the noun folk.

Johns.  Joys.  Eves.  Always great.

Then there are the occasional ones who are oh-so-very-close to being a noun.  Better yet, a risque noun.

Like Dido.

You’ve got to love a Dido.

But the ones you have to avoid are the ones that could be both noun and verb.

Like Bill or Mark or Hope or Rose.

To me, they’re being sneaky.  Trying to be all things to all people.

So when you see one of them coming, cross the street.

Now I know this all runs counter to that old “What’s in a name?” adage by William Shakespeare.

But what did he know?

He was a Bill.

Be Special.

I haven’t been able to blog as much lately, because I’m shooting the video portion of a new book I’m doing for the iPad (it’s yet to be decided whether it will be on the iPhone also).  The book will be called “Only the Pearls,” and it will contain my 250 favorite Pearls strips, along with both audio and video commentary.  It’s being produced by Chronicle Books.

To get updates on this, as well as info on how to get signed books and where I’ll be appearing next, please join the fan page I set up on Facebook HERE.  It will make you special.

And please stay tuned for my next blog, in which I reveal definitive proof that I’m insane.

My Son, My Pride and the Immortal Butterduck

I was playing NBA Jam on the Wii with my son, Tom.  We were set to play against an easy team.

Rather than saying something hackneyed like, “This will be like stealing candy from a baby,” I thought I’d come up with something original.

So I said this:

“It will be like throwing pepper on a butterduck.”

Never heard of a butterduck?

Neither had we.

In fact, it was so stupid that it caused Tom to say, “Don’t quit your day job.”

And that’s when it hit me.

That is my day job.

So now when I try to be funny and fail, Tom has a new saying:

“Don’t keep your day job.”

But I’m not offended.

Because I know humor comes easy to me.

Just like throwing pepper on a butterduck.