Alright, Fine. I’ll Come Visit You (aka Booking Stephan to Speak at Your Event).

For the first time since the strip began back in 2002, I’m now emerging from my hermit shell and booking a fair number of speaking engagements.

I talk about the strip, tell the strange tale of how I went from being a lawyer to a syndicated cartoonist, show a number of readers’ favorite strips, and of course, talk about some of the strips that weren’t big hits  (including some of the angry mail they generated).  It’s inspirational, it’s funny and it’s better than just sitting with a bunch of people in a quiet room.

So book me now, because I may just return to my shell.

For fees and other info, send an email to:

49 thoughts on “Alright, Fine. I’ll Come Visit You (aka Booking Stephan to Speak at Your Event).

  1. Can you give a speech at my appendectomy. Only thing is you can’t make any side-splitting jokes.

  2. Steve,

    I see from the picture posted on the “Alright, Fine” page, that you have been to Victory Base, Iraq. When where you there? My last tour was in 2009. I have the same picture of me in that spot.

    LTC Jeff Ash

  3. Just an English teacher who happens to be a fan who absolutely LOVES the wordplay and pun strips! Any chance a collection could result focusing on these?

  4. You funny guy. Stephan. You send me drawing of Larry. I buy you beer. Make sure you autograph on it. I already have autograph print of Red Ryder and Little (you betchum) Beaver sign by Fred Harmon III. Cool, huh. Maybe you have some Pogos lying roundabout. You sign Meester Kelly’s name. Send me that too. Hear from you soon.

  5. I find you guilty of dereliction of duty: Where is the Feral Ballerina? She’s been absent for too long. Of course, she’s no Larry and Zeeba, but she does have a certain charm. Hop to it….

  6. Hi Stephan I’m Whitney and I’m 11 years old just so you know.I love your comics and read them every day and one year I went to San Diego,the comics were in BLACK and WHITE plus the only comic I knew was Hagar the Horrible and a few others.I have 2 of your comic books one treasurey and one small one.The treasurey is Pearls Sells Out and the small one is 50,000,000 Pearls Fans Can’t Be Wrong.Opinion:they are HILARIOUS!Anyway I made a comic book that is where Rat writes a book called The Adventures of Marco Monkey(like Danny Donkey)I’ll try and send it to you to see how you like it!Thanks for making great comics! From,Whitney Block

  7. Stephan,
    I’m Yulia and I live in Belarus. You probably don’t even know such country exists. Anyway, it’s in Europe. My American friends gave a book of your comics to me. My kids and I had such a great time reading it! They still quote the crocodiles. We just love you. Thanks a lot!
    Best regards from BELARUS

  8. Two comments and one question:

    This offer makes me want to create an event, just so you could come speak.

    Wish I knew the words to say to tell you how much I enjoy your comic strips; but I suffer from aphasia.

    Why is your cartoon character left-handed, but you are signing a comic in the photo above with your right hand?

  9. You know, now I want to have some sort of event just so you can come speak. I’m an aspiring cartoonist (I draw a comic strip called Tom and Fred), and I have loved your comic strip since I first saw it in a local newspaper (Newsday, on Long Island), about a year ago. I have read a couple of your collections and watch the animations on iphone. I especially love the “Crocs” comics, and the language they have! Keep up the good work. You’ve got a fan for life!!!

  10. How much to just fly in and hang out for an evening? Maybe drink some beer and eat some wings?

  11. My event is titled “Enjoy a Beer with Stephan.” It’s a precursor to launching my second venture “Stephan Pastis for President,” because everyone knows that its a vital part of a successful presidential campaign is that Americans want to have a beer with you. People who come and enjoy the event will spread the word and tell their friends, who will in turn want to have a beer with you, and we have the Bush formula success all lined up for you for a 2012 campaign. I apologize for not consulting you about whether or not you’d like to be president, but I figure you can’t really do much worse than what I’ve seen in my lifetime…

  12. I was at his book signing appearance last night in Tempe, AZ – it was great! He’s nothing like what we expected (actually meant as a compliment – sorry, Stephen). Lots of funny stories, best event we’ve been too. Truthfully, it was also our first, but it was so good that we decided we’d always vote that it was the best. Whatever “Changing Hands” paid him was a bargain – the place was packed. Oh, and when he signs your book, he’ll visit with you while he draws a picture of Rat!!! Well, it impressed me anyway. Thanks, Stephen, it was great!

  13. Regarding today’s strip (Rat and Goat discussing obituaries): on the one hand, Rat is considering an issue which was addressed by Dylan Thomas in “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.” On the other hand, because of what he probably would make of the phrase “because their words had forked no lightning,” you probably shouldn’t introduce Rat to the poem.

  14. Hi,
    My mother, who is 85 and in a “rest home”, adores Pearls Before Swine. She has a habit of calling me via her cell phone and describing the day’s strip from her local newspaper. Haven’t quite grasped the entire concept of it, but in time…perhaps. I never text, but think if Mom and I decided to, she would likely out-text me! She continually amazes me; therefore, I will be reading more of your stuff; I’m guessing that you are quite good at what you do.
    Thank you for amusing my elderly but very hip mother!

  15. I’ve noticed in your last couple of strips (at least the one’s appearing in the Worcester, MA Telegram) that you’re commenting upon the direction that the uprisings of the “Arab Spring” have taken.

    The two strips that I’ve seen do indeed acknowledge that they’re overthrowing “despotic monarchs”.

    But other than that, the strips trots out every negative stereotype of Arab culture, implying that this is the inevitable outcome of these revolts.

    This is thoughtless, simple-minded humor, disparaging a portion of the human community which is struggling to integrate its religious heritage with the planet’s other (read Western) cultural norms. The “humor” in these two strips is the same which, in years gone by, was also acceptable when used against women and Jews and blacks.

    I think you’re freakin’ hilarious; but you should lay off the politics, or get another editor.

  16. I saw your cartoon about “all right”….I understand your point, but as a teacher who is among the many trying to help improve American student performance, I can tell you that our job is so much harder when kids see errors in print. Help us…there is nothing wrong with helping children learn the conventions of language.

  17. Zebra has a bastard son. Do you think the high illegitmacy rate in this country is funny? More angry letters to the editor for you !

  18. I’m with the teacher above–any chance of a collection of pun strips? My dad and I LOVE them!


  19. Hi Steve, just wanted to see what you look like, you’re really cute! Love your strip! If I miss it, I get really bummed!

  20. The novel you have been working on sound interesting. I will be excited to get a copy. Finding ways to engage students in my class can be a challenge. Many students love the novels incorporating cartoons. As long as they are enjoying reading, i an happy. I have always enjoyed your comic strip. ( I am still mad our local paper does not publish your strip in on the comics page. So I find myself not reading the comics as often at all now). Sorry, I went about saying yeah a kids book! So if you ever in Indiana and want to visit my classroom, then you will be welcome to talk to the class about drawing and ideas for writing.

  21. Dear Mr. Pastis,
    My name is Stephen, and I love Pearls Before Swine. My sister and brother and I have read Pearls since it first came out. We think you are hysterical. I am going to go to the signing in Washington D.C. in October. You are the funniest person on the planet.

  22. Someone kill me now. I just saw today that the Washington, DC tour was on Saturday the 6. *****.

  23. absolutely LOVE the puns and laugh out loud most days–thanks for bringing humor into the hum drum days

  24. Dear Stephan when your next in England please can you come on my web show we love Timmy failure and pearls before swine please reply

  25. Dear MR.Pastis I was wondering what the fine would be for you to come to my school and I don’t have an email so can you post me back?

  26. Please come to Books by the Banks in Cincinnati, OH this year. Please. Puh-leez!

  27. Stephan, Pearls is by far my favorite comic strip, and my wife agrees. We even own the Zeeba and Croc plushes! I especially love the crocs, and when you give nods to other strips. Keep up the good work!

  28. My only poison pen letter was to a cartoonist. It was a strip that was trite, poorly drawn, and vapidly cheesy (as opposed to tolerably cheesy, like the one that brought me here today.) This was probably around 2002 or so. I remember the cartoonist replied… I’ve been reading Pearls steadily since a year or two after that, but recently I saw one that made me wonder if I sent the letter to you! If so, a retraction– you do not actually suck (usually) and your column did not rob some poor, more deserving person a shot at syndication. I still agree, however, that I’d rather see reruns of Calvin and Hobbes in your slot, but in fairness, I’d say that about every slot. Who wouldn’t, right? And if I didn’t write it to you, hey, let’s pretend! I’m still worried I’ll be the cautionary tale in an interview somewhere.

  29. Today’s strip is about a cell call dropped and what Pig and Goat do — don’t know what that’s called but Teri’s International Law is : the one who initiated the call is the one to call back, thus avoiding the angst of, well you know, today’s strip.

  30. Would you dare come to Milwaukee, WI let alone Oak Creek, WI for whatever. No of course it would interesting if you would come.

    Thanks for reading this stuff.

  31. Can you attend Another Anime Convention? It happens in October. (just check the con’s website for when and how you can get into the con as a guest)

  32. Hi Stephan, I understand you live in Santa Rosa and I am the chairman of the Santa Rosa Sunrise Club, a club for hosting guest speakers. We would like to invite you to speak to our breakfast group this May on any Wednesday morning from 7:30 am to 8:30am. Informal sit-down talk with about 12-15 local business men from different fields who will listen to you talk and ask you questions. Free breakfast and we promise to get you out by 8:30. Please call or email Phil Salyer at 707-823-0410 or Thank you so much and hope you are available to meet with us.
    Phil Salyer

  33. My little 8 year old brother just did a book report on you in Santa Rosa, ca. He just loves your work. He even drew a mustache on this face to pretend to be you while delivering his report. If you are ever in town it would make his world to meet you!

  34. I heard about your connection to this year’s heroes con in Charlotte, nc involving the week you worked with Bill Watterson. Will you be attending

  35. I really got a kick from your strip today in the KC Star about no “unaccompanied miners” on planes. I always have wondered why they send these poor children underground to dig for coal. And how about the Polls. Everyone goes to them to see what we think. But what do we care. They all live in Eastern Europe. And then there’s Georgia. The Russians hate them and put nothing but political and military pressure on them to fall in line. Has anyone ever asked the people in Atlanta what they think?

    Do you really make a living doing your strip?

  36. You might remember me i emailed you a while ago my name is zev and the biggest bookstore in portland where i live is powells city of books. Do they have autographed pearls books there?

  37. Could you speak at our mime convention? You wouldn’t have to say anything.

  38. Please can you send me a little note that I can use? I Will have a talk About your books at my school in the Netherlands! Thank you, I am a big fan.

  39. Just so you know Mardi Gras in New Orleans, La is on February 28th this year. So…?
    Let the good times roll!!!

  40. Dear Stephan Pastis, I am not sure how often you get quoted in the law suits, but today I had decided to do so in the appeal (incl. for the most odd court characters and procedures.) Of course, I’D BE VERY GLAD TO PROVIDE MUCH MORE DETAILS – please, contact me via ) I do find your insights, your sense of humor and your art quite amazing and also, most healing. I’d be crying otherwise… (And that is NOT a joke, but laughter helps me realize how people who cause much suffering appear absurd at the same time. Ooh-la-la!) Looking forward to hearing from you, as well as seeing more of your …Pearls!. (By the way, let’s thank the folks at comics bookstore on West Portal for the introduction, and appear together to honor their good taste.) Meanwhile, happy tunes!

  41. Mr Pastis, I guess this is not exactly the right forum to say this, but I want to know that I find your strip just awesomely funny. To me, you are the best cartoonist EVER, and one of the funniest people on the planet.

  42. Your United 10 hours-to-infinity delay was painfully familiar. Gives a bad name to the concept of an “employee-owned business.” But that’s not why I’m writing.
    I want you to come talk to the Sonoma Speaker Series. Just down the road. We’re a pretty cool non-profit. In the last year we’ve had Steve Kerr, Daniel Ellsberg, former DNI James Clapper, Dawn Wall climber Kevin Jorgeson, Victoria Arlen, and people like that.
    We would need to know what you cost and when you’re available, but we’re huge fans, we could sell out the venue – 300 people – and I think you’d have a good time. Plus we would feed you, give you wine, and like that.
    I’m also writing because I’m the editor/publisher of a fine Sonoma Valley lifestyle magazine called Valley of the Moon. I’d like to do a profile of you for the magazine. I love your connection to Sparky Schulz; I knew him slightly, know and love Jeanie. If our website rebuild isn’t still blocking access, you can find us at
    So that’s it: Come speak. Let me come interview you. It will be a good thing.
    Let me know.
    David Bolling

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