Pearls Before Swine

The New Book, The New Tour, My Old Fingers, and Elvis’s Monkey

My newest treasury, Pearls Hogs the Road, will be in stores next week.  It has 18 months’ worth of Pearls strips and contains my commentary below many of the strips.

It is the ninth Pearls treasury.  If you own them all, you have every single Pearls strip I’ve published (Well, except for the last six months or so of strips.  It takes awhile to get them into books).   For the curious, those prior eight treasuries are:  Sgt. Piggy’s Lonely Hearts Club Comic; Lions and Tigers and Crocs, Oh My; The Crass Menagerie; Pearls Sells Out; Pearls Blows Up; Pearls Freaks the #*%# Out; Pearls Falls Fast;  and Pearls Gets Sacrificed

The commentary  is often people’s favorite part of the book.  Which is not saying much for the strips.  It’s sort of like when someone compliments your shoes but adds that you’re fat.  But I am not fat.  Though I am getting there, after eating this burger with a donut for a bun in Nashville last week.

I’m now thinking that wasn’t a healthy move.  So instead of flying home from Nashville to California, I ran.  It burned off almost half the calories.

My fatness aside, the commentary is often both funny and insightful, and sometimes neither.   But if you don’t like it, there’s a money back guarantee.  Not from me, but the store.  And not willingly.  You’d have to rob them.

But before you rob anyone, take a look at what a sample page looks like.  This one contains commentary about how angry people get when you kick nuns.  So kids, don’t kick nuns.

I should add that my fingers do not come with the book.  Though I suppose they could, if you were willing to pay extra and let me stay at your house.

Speaking of staying at your house, here are the 9 cities I’ll be traveling to on my upcoming book tour:

Friday, April 21, 7:30 pm — Charles M. Schulz Museum, 2301 Hardies Lane, Santa Rosa, CA

(Well, this one doesn’t really count as “traveling”, as it’s just two miles from me.  So I suppose I can just sleep at my own house for this one.  Though I have been assured by the museum that if the event goes late, I can sleep under Schulz’s desk.)

Sunday, April 23, 4:00 pm – Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills Blvd,, Beaverton, OR

(Ah, Portland.  Where I can eat even more donuts and get stoned legally.  So if you’re going to come to just one event, make it this one, as things could get interesting.)

Monday, April 24, 7:00 pm – Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Avenue, Seattle, WA

(Always sunny Seattle.  Where I hear The Far Side‘s Gary Larson lives.  So if you have a connection, let me know.  Otherwise, I’ll go to that market and catch fish with everyone else.)

Wednesday, April 26, 7:00 pm – Magers and Quinn, 3038 Hennepin Ave, Minneapolis, MN

(Minnesota!  The state that gave us Charles Schulz and F. Scott Fitzgerald and a very, very large mall.  But I do not like malls.  So please, someone recommend a bar.)

Thursday, April 27, 7:00 – Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX

(Dallas!  Believe it or not, this event was almost scheduled to be at the Texas School Book Depository, the building from which Oswald killed Kennedy.  Or didn’t.  Depending on how conspiratorially-minded you are.  But no matter, it is now being held at the Dallas Morning News.  So if I bore you, you can just kick back and read a newspaper.)

Friday, April 28, 7:30 pm – Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut Street., Kansas City, MO

(If you are a comics fan, Kansas City may be the most unique opportunity.  That’s because the event is being held at my syndicate, the same syndicate that distributes Calvin and Hobbes, The Far Side, Doonesbury, and many more comics.  As far as I know, this is the one and only time they have opened up the building for a public event.  More importantly, the head of my syndicate, John Glynn, will be there.  Feel free to touch him, hug him, pat him on the head.  But be careful – he has a temper, as you will see in this video.)

Sunday, April 30, 5:00 pm – The Ivy Bookshop, 6080 Falls Road, Baltimore, MD

(Baltimore!  This is one of only two cities on the tour where I have never done a book signing.  I put it on the tour because I recently drank in the Inner Harbor area and loved it (My motivations are just that shallow).  So if you don’t see me at the signing, that’s where I’ll be.  Passed out.  Perhaps floating lifeless in the water, like something out of an episode of The Wire.)

Tuesday, May 2, 7:00 pm – Quail Ridge Books, 4209-100 Lassiter Mill Road, Raleigh, NC

(Raleigh!  It’s been a few years since I’ve done a signing at Quail Ridge, but it was one of my favorites.  So I am coming back!  That is, if I survive Baltimore.  If not, please entertain yourselves.)

Wednesday, May 3, 7:00 pm – Brookline Booksmith, 279 Harvard Street, Brookline, MA

(Boston!  Along with Baltimore, one of only two cities on the tour where I have never done a signing.  While there, I will also be talking about my kids book series, Timmy Failure.  That’s all presuming I have any fans at all in Boston.  Which I may not.  So if it’s just two or three of us sitting around, we can hold hands and share intimate stories.)

So that’s the tour. The goal of which is to make me so rich and famous that one day, just like Elvis, I can fill my home with things like this monkey, which I found on Elvis’s coffee table.

That’s all assuming I live that long.  Which, after the hamburger in Nashville, is iffy.

So please, come see me while you still can.

Sincerely,

Stephan “Pretty Fingers” Pastis