Losing Hope

I separate all of humanity into people that I know I’ll like and those I won’t.

And I have an ironclad way of predicting that.

I don’t like anyone whose name can be a verb.

Bob.  Chuck.  Drew.  Grant.  Pat.  Rob.  Sue.  Wade.

All bad people.

And it doesn’t necessarily have to be spelled the same as a verb.  It just has to sound the same.

Take that, Phil, Mary and Barry.

This is in contrast to the noun folk.  You can always trust the noun folk.

Johns.  Joys.  Eves.  Always great.

Then there are the occasional ones who are oh-so-very-close to being a noun.  Better yet, a risque noun.

Like Dido.

You’ve got to love a Dido.

But the ones you have to avoid are the ones that could be both noun and verb.

Like Bill or Mark or Hope or Rose.

To me, they’re being sneaky.  Trying to be all things to all people.

So when you see one of them coming, cross the street.

Now I know this all runs counter to that old “What’s in a name?” adage by William Shakespeare.

But what did he know?

He was a Bill.

59 thoughts on “Losing Hope

  1. Um…I’m afraid Dawns should be in the “both category!
    As in the “The morning dawns.”

  2. …it dawned on me that there might be a slight conflict in the noun vs verb section?

  3. My favorite cartoonist currently on the funny pages has never met me, but already doesn’t like me…


  4. What about people who are just names? LIke Abigail? Oh, wait, I suppose Abigail was a noun once. Good, that means you trust me.

    What about something like Reuben? That wasn’t a noun or a verb ever.

  5. But Reuben is a sandwich, thus by default a noun, I think. My name was originally a noun, centuries ago, so I guess I pass. Seems rather arbitrary, though.

  6. How dare you accuse me of trying to be all things to all people. I AM all things to all people, damnit! Trying is for suckers!

    Take that, Rose!

  7. What about normal non-noun/verb names, like Richard, Noah, Amy, Caitlin… (I’m Noah, do you like me?)

  8. This remind me of that old Schoolhouse Rock video about government, entited “I’m just a Bill, I’m only a Bill, and I’m sittin’ here on Capitol Hill…..”

  9. Well, great. My mom’s a Pat, and my dad’s a Mark. Guess I come from pretty poor stock.

  10. Hmmm, I just read that “Stephan” is a derivative of “Stephanos”, which is Greek for “crown”. So, Mr. Pastis, since you can wear a crown, and you can crown someone, you must really hate yourself. It’s OK, I still like you. Grudgingly, but I do.

  11. I’ve always been leary of people who are named after the seasons. Summer, Winters, Autumn, you get the idea. I always view these people with great suspicion.

  12. So my first name is ok…but if you go by my nickname, then…am I in trouble? Or do I get a pass because my nickname is of death? DI

  13. Where does that put me? Raphael is technically a noun, I guess (it means “The healing power of God”) but, still, kind of out there as noun names go.

    ‘Sides, everyone calls me “Rafe.” What’s a “rafe”?

  14. What about adjective names like Rich for example? Actually I’m struggling to think of any others right now but if you want to be picky then Richard is TWO adjectives 😛
    And what about Nouns with a verb surname (e.g. Monica Blewitt) – Like or No Like?

  15. I guess Bob Hope is on the “don’t like” list. he’s on mine, too, but not because of his name. I just never thought he was all that funny.

  16. So today you’ve got me sitting in a tree house with a silly hat and balloons, and you dislike me because of my name. Which, incidentally, works both ways.

    I’m hurt! Hurt, I tell you.

    Signed, Bob

  17. Hah! You’re just jealous because of all the free barf jokes I’ve gotten to hear over a lifetime.

  18. Can we really trust a man who doesn’t spell his own name correctly? Stephan? Shouldn’t it be Steven? And by the way, Mary can also be merry, not just marry.(Mary Evelyn means “bitter life”, which suits me.)

  19. I am leery of people whose names could be male or female. Too confusing.

  20. Well, hmmm, since a Noun is the name of a person, place, thing, or idea – all names are, by definition, nouns. So, if I use the shortened version of my name (Sue), you don’t like me because my name is also a verb. But if I stick to Susan, I guess I’m ok. You are a funny, twisted man.

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  22. Whew! I don’t think “Linda” was covered, but my middle name “Joye” was–kinda.

  23. Chuck should be in the “both noun and verb” category as well.

    At least Pastis likes me: Mike (noun).

    And pastis is a French alcoholic beverage. Noun. As we all well know, he’s completely trustworthy.

  24. Bill Shakespeare is a double-double. Not only is his first name a noun/verb but his last name is made up of a noun/verb combination. You REALLY can’t trust him.

  25. First of all this post is Hilarious ! ! !
    And I’m admitting I’m a verb (Pat) however, most people call me by my middle name (Bridget) So where do I fit in here? Believe me it hasn’t been easy having to identities.

    Jennifer – Your response was equally hilarious….
    Are you related to Stephan??

  26. Sorry – that’s TWO as in the number, not to as in also. But then again I also have two names… OMG I’m losing it.

  27. I appreciate that you used one of the names you cited in the post’s title, but the context of the title makes no sense to me.

    The post itself is great, obviously filled with humorous observations, and something tells me it’s all very tongue-in-cheek as opposed to what some people in this talkback seem to think.

    Nice one…..

  28. So you probably want to avoid guys named “Dick.” I’m pretty sure that can be a noun or a verb, and almost never in a good context.

    Incidentally, it does make a good answer to almost any question. “Where are we?”
    “What’s that dog rolling around on?”
    “What’s that smell?”

  29. You love wordplay. Make fun of names , the BEST/WORST puns in cartooning. Keep `em coming. Life is hard right 4 me but you are a bright spot in a dark time. Thanks.

  30. How about words that can _only_ be a name, like Richard?
    Or those that can be an adjective, like Rich?
    I don’t want to talk about the other nickname that’s a noun,
    ever since I learned the other meaning for it.

  31. I was just reading the Crass Menagerie (and laughing) when I realized that I desperately needed a Rat shirt. I found your blog during my hunt and came across this post. I was so relieved to find that my noun name has a thumbs up. Whew! That was a close one. 😉

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