Fear and Loathing in Dallas

You can’t stand more than two minutes in Dealey Plaza without someone approaching you with a theory.

“The bullet that passed through President Kennedy could not have passed through Governor Connally as well,” says the fat, sweaty guy holding up a diagram of Dealey Plaza as it looked the day President Kennedy was killed there.

“There had to be a second shooter on that knoll,” he says.  I look over at Scott Hilburn (creator of the comic Argyle Sweater), who is with me visiting the site, and we both decide to check out this grassy knoll.

What you find at the top of the knoll is a fence.  So I look behind the fence where the second shooter was said to be standing, but I don’t see anyone.  I figure the odds of finding him are low, but you never know.

I also check for shell casings, but I can’t find any.  I do, however, spot a Fritos bag and a leaking sprinkler.  I want to ask the fat guy how they might tie into his theory, but I don’t have time, because I’m approached by a short, old guy.

“No expert has ever been able to aim and cock a rifle with the speed that Oswald would have had to have fired,” says the old guy.  He too is showing me a diagram.  I want to tell him about the Fritos bag, but I can’t, because before I can start talking, the fat, sweaty guy comes back and starts gesturing like he is firing Oswald’s rifle rapidly.

I try to put Scott between me and the fat guy, thinking that if there is going to be a second assassination victim in Dealey Plaza, I’d rather it be him.

That’s when Scott tries to put me between him and the fat guy.  Soon, Scott and I are outflanking each other so many times we look like we’re part of a Broadway dance show.

That’s when a homeless guy walks over to tell me how the mob, Castro and a gay guy in New Orleans all came together to kill Kennedy.  Soon, I’m so paranoid that I’m suspicious of everyone.

That’s when I realize that one man has not said a word.

I look over at Scott.

“Where were you on November 22, 1963?”  I ask him.

“Not yet born,” he says.

Likely story.

21 thoughts on “Fear and Loathing in Dallas

  1. Not born yet? You call that an excuse?!?! How do we know? Any in utero witnesses? And if there is an in utero witness, are you the evil twin? Or triplet? How many of you are there? Are you your own anemone enemy?

  2. Although you might not be able to implicate Scott in the shooting of Gov. Connally, I think trying him for littering can result in a pretty serious verdict. As a matter of fact, conviction of littering might even over-shadow the conviction of merely shooting the Guverner…

  3. Everyone likes to say where they were or what they were doing at the exact time something big happened. When Kennedy was shot I was just a month old and I vividly remember thinking, “God no! Not The President! Not Kennedy! What will become of Camelot?”

    I guess I was pretty mature for an infant.

  4. The best theory is the Lee-Harvey theory. Basically Lee Harvey Oswald had a look-alike. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s really interesting to read about.

    Long story short, I had a teacher who was a conspiracy theorist. I had him for two years…

  5. When I was visiting Dealy Plaza a few years back I dealt with the similar people on the street. Just as I shook them off my back a car comes into the plaza following the same route as the Kennedy motorcade and a guy in the back seat hangs out the window and screams “It was ME!!!, I did it! Not Oswalt!!”

    Too bad the cops weren’t around to get him.

  6. It’s all a sham. The shooting was faked by the Kennedy Klan to keep the Bildebergers from destroying the family. Robert’s at the same place. The Kennedy’s let Edward stay in the public eye because he was just an idiot and they knew the Bildebergers knew that too. Edward was a resourceful idiot, but an idiot nonetheless so no one cared.

  7. You were right to put Scott in front of you, but better the fat guy or should I say rotund guy to protect you both. At least I hope you would have survived so I can still have my daily comic laughs-notice I did not call you a stripper like someone on facebook did. I can just hear your wife saying “WHAT? YOU ARE STRIPPING FOR PEOPLE” of course if you made a lot of money, she might be alright with it… 🙂

  8. I have to agree with GuyInBlack here that guard duck has a bag o’guilt comin

  9. I actually was at Dealey Plaza this summer and nobody approached me with a theory.

  10. Nope, it wasn’t Guard Duck. If it HAD been him, there wouldn’t have been a single vehicle left in the procession…He is, after all, a firm advocate of overkill….

  11. Scott’s on the grassy knoll and doesn’t show you his birth certificate? I’ll draw you a diagram!
    (Um – where did I leave my chalk?)

  12. Funny stuff! Thanks for your visit to Dallas last week. I can’t stop chuckling over the Pig’s enemy the anemone panels you narrated! Encore, encore !!!

  13. And while you were visiting, did you commune with the Buddhist monk living in the sewers below?
    You know, the Dealey Lama?

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