A Ratio That Not Even the Ex-Lawyer in Me Could Defend

It’s 9 pm at night and I can’t find my Netflix movie.

So I yell across the house to Staci, “Hey Babe…Did you get the mail today?”

“No,” she says, “Why?”

“Because I want my Netflix movie.”

“You’ll have to get it yourself then.”

The mailbox is about 90 yards down the street.  And it was cold.

“But you always get the mail.  Why do I have to get it?”‘

“Because you never get it.  It’s not my job.”

I wanted to say, “I sort of think it is your job,” but thought better of it.

“Stephan, since we’ve lived here, how many times have you gotten the mail?”

“What, is this a fairness thing?  Like we should each get the mail the same number of times?”

“How many times have you gotten the mail?”

“I don’t see the point of this.”

“How many times have you gotten the mail?”

I thought for a minute.

“Four,” I said.

“Four,” she repeated.  “And how long have we lived here?”

“Nine years,” I said.

I walked the cold, 90 yards in silence.


29 thoughts on “A Ratio That Not Even the Ex-Lawyer in Me Could Defend

  1. I’m not sure where you live, but I’m guessing it’s around Albany, CA since that’s where the strip takes place. According the weather.com, you’re experiencing highs of 60 this week. You call this “cold”.

    I’m currently in day 1 of a 2-day ice storm. All this after the snowiest January in NYC history.

    I hate you.

  2. damn. 90 yards. i woulda watched somethin’ else. then she could get today’s AND tomorrow’s tomorrow. think, dude. think.

  3. So what was this movie from Netflix? The ‘Longest Yard’, ‘The Postman’, ‘Be Kind, Rewind’? I am sure you had to take on this horrible 180 yard struggle for something better than ‘Jackass 3D’, right???

  4. Oh come on! I was out last night in Santa Rosa (only two miles from where you are by the way) and it was NOT THAT BAD! Besides, it was raining on Sunday night, so think about that! Grow up a little Steph…

  5. Oh please. I have to go out in single digit temperatures. I’m happy if it gets to the 30’s.

  6. In his defense….to a California native a high of 60 is freezing, and we have been having some pretty cold nights!!!!

  7. 10 yards per year-you have it made! I hope you buy Staci lots of nice things she likes for all she does-like not killing you while you are sleeping! LOL

  8. Around the time you were arguing over a 90 yard walk in “cold” CA weather, I was in a blizzard. 40-50mph winds, a foot of snow on the ground (not counting drifts), and what would amount to another 6 inches of snow falling.
    I was trying to figure out how to get my subcompact car home from work. I had to abandon my car and walk to a buddy’s house.
    So yeah, I love your strip but I’m not quite feeling your predicament.

  9. Everyone so far seems to focus on the fact that it’s cold outside. I’m sitting here thinking it’s amazing that you have only gotten the mail four times in nine years (which is pretty weird in itself) and that it is a novel enough task that you apparently remember each instance. I can’t really think of any chore, task, whatever, where I have kept a mental tally of how many times I’ve done it, even if it is an uncommon thing for me to do. I’m curious to know what stories are associated with the other trips to the mailbox – the fact that you could think about it and recall each mail gathering quest cracks me up.

  10. Netflix really needs to add more movies to their streaming selection, so we never have to walk anywhere. ever. again.

  11. Everyone says 60 is not cold. I beg to differ. If it isn’t over 65 or closer to 70, I still have a jacket on. I wear jeans in the summer. I’m an NC native, too. O.o I understand your pain, Stephan.

  12. Look on the bright side. The next time she asks how many times you’ve gotten the mail, you can say “five.”

  13. Cold (I live in Cali too) ?? Poor Steven. And venturing out to do what you have only conquered 4 times before? What a conquest. Did you make it back?

    lol <—See, I thought it was funny.

  14. Pftt! Next time the gutters need cleaning, ask here how many times SHE’S cleaned them since you moved in, and remind her where the ladder is.

    You’re welcome,
    Guy Married 16 Years

  15. I had a similar conversation with my husband once.
    “We’ve been married seven years,” I said. “How many times have you washed the popcorn bowl?”
    “You can take the next seven years.” We’re on twenty now so my second turn is almost over.

  16. Bill – Don’t be so sure. I bet Staci cleans the gutters, too. =)

    Stephan – You should have just quietly let it go and watched Mythbusters or something instead. I bet she would have gotten the mail the next day.

  17. Aw, man. Do you live in one of those neighborhoods with the communal mailboxes? A friend of mine has that. Nice, new area with lovely homes, and then there’s this big metal turd on a corner about a 1/4 mile from his house. WTF? When I found that out I asked if they had a communal outhouse, too. Sheesh.

    Actually, there is a community pool, and you know what guys do in pools. *shudder* More chlorine, please.

  18. Oh my gosh i just died when I read this!!! You are hilarious, Mr. Pastis! Your comics help me lighten up after reading boring theological books for school. (If you’re wondering why I didn’t just say Steve, it’s cause i’m 15…

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