I Am Healthy as a Bear

There’s nothing worse than a guy who brags about what great health he’s in.

That said, I’m in great health.

By that I mean I’m getting about 20,000% of the daily recommended allowance of Vitamins A, B, C, D and a whole bunch more.

I’d like to tell you it’s because I’m eating a lot of broccoli and apples and prunes.

But the truth is different. It’s this:

I’ve discovered my children’s bottle of Gummy Bear vitamins.

I am popping them like jelly beans.

I’m thinking there have to be some side effects to eating this many vitamins, like maybe losing the use of your liver (so kids, don’t try this at home), but the upside is that they taste great.

And I haven’t even mentioned the benefits of the joy I experience when I ask the little bears, “Who’s the greatest dad in the Pastis family?”, which they always fail to answer, forcing me to bite their little heads off. (I’d like to say I do that to amuse my kids, but the truth is I do it when I’m standing by myself in the kitchen.)

I guess I’m telling you all this so that if in the next few days, you hear I’ve OD’ed on some drug, it wasn’t on purpose.

It was for the yummy gummy bear taste.

41 thoughts on “I Am Healthy as a Bear

  1. My kids used to take those, but then we decided to get the ones with fish oil. Now they take gummi fish shaped vitamins. I haven’t tasted them, but the outside texture looks like it’s sugar coated. Nothing says healthy like a sugar coated gummi!

  2. In all seriousnessm our childrens dentists will tell you that those things will stain your kids teeth. They were staining our kids teeth so we tossed them!

    Dont die Stephan, I loved your Calvin and Hobbes strip the other day!!!

  3. So, you could keep eating these things and your liver will fail due to an overdose of vitamins A, D, E, and K. Or you could switch to regular gummy bears and your pancreas and kidneys will fail due to diabetes.

    Hmmm… Sophie’s choice…

  4. When my daughter was four, she ate a whole bottle of Flintstones children’s vitamins. She later said it was because we had told her they would make her grow to be a big girl. I guess she was tired of being a little kid. She suffered no known consequences. I hope the same for you.

  5. I used to do the same thing w/Wild Cherry Sucrets. Even when I didn’t need them. Thankfully I quit cold turkey. LOL

  6. Stephan, you do know there are ADULT version gummi bear vitamins, right? Costco carries them in huge plastic bottles. That might not be so embarassing for you, and because they’re for adults you might stay with the recommended dose on the bottle and not scarf them like a kid, lol!

  7. I’m pretty sure you’ll just pee out any excess for most vitamins, but watch out for stuff like calcium in them, too much of that and you’ll just get kidney stones. Less fun to pee those out.

  8. Those are the only vitamins I take now too. OD’ing on any vitamin takes a holy crap ton, so go ballistic!!

  9. Regardless of whether or not we know how good or bad something is for us; we tend not to give a F#$% because we like it and it makes us happy.

  10. Meh, I take the muli, the zinc/enchinacia (whatever), and fiber gummi bears. If I have to take vitamins, they’re going to be fun, dang it.

    Plus they taste yummy and strangely better than normal gummi bears. Weird.

  11. Stephan… you are my hero!!!

    I’ve always wanted to eat those vitamined gummy bears n stuff as if they were candy!

  12. As usual, your blog is a scream, and the responses are hilarious. Lordy, Steph, what a day brightener you are! Muchos thankyous!

  13. Sadly, I have broken my daughter. I bought a big container of jelly heart candy yesterday, and when my daughter saw it, she said “those are candy? They look like vitamins!”

  14. Thank you for the laugh. I really needed that today after spending an hour and 15 minutes in line for a grilled cheese. From a truck. I felt like a total Pig.

  15. My son rejected gummy fish oil tablets. (gumdrops? They’re sugar-coated like TechyDad said). he said they tasted horrible.

    I am limiting myself to three a day and chortling over his pathetic near-sightedness. Who wouldn’t want a gummy *anything*? Think of the possibilities.

  16. Your body can only process so much at a time, so you’re just peeing out a lot of the vitamins. If you really want to wreck your liver, I suggest spacing it out a bit, take one every couple of hours. Then again, I like to watch TV shows on DVD one-at-a-time. My wife will watch 5 in a row.

  17. You’d imagine after a year and a half of nursing school, I’d have a witty and insightful comment to add. However… everyone pretty much gave all the advice you could want. Not to mention you didn’t ask for advice. Maybe though there is a reason why we are going over poisoning right now in my little kids class, including iron poisoning.

    Anyway my mom likes eating them too, especially when she’s on a diet, because they taste like candy.

  18. Whoa! Doooode! Psy-cho-del-lic!!!

    I see gummy bear heads saying “Please don’t eat me!”

  19. You crazy Americans…you don’t need any extra vitamins if you eat a healthy diet…….oh wait….none of you eat healthy!!!
    Turn Vegetarian, you’ll never need any sort of supplement ever again!

  20. The greatest part about this whole post (which made me laugh hard) was that the Google Ad was for Omega-3 Gummies (which made me laugh so hard I cried). Oh, this is too good …

  21. Since I like my daily dose of Pearls I’d like to reinforce Bob’s post further up – overdoses on vitamins A,D,E and synthetic vitamin K can lead to;

    Vit A: Nausea, irritability, anorexia and altered mental status amongst a host of others, to add insult to injury – alcohol can increase the effects.

    Vit D: A host of unpleasant effects that may eventually lead to renal failure.

    Vit E: Increased risk of hemorrhagic stroke.

    All these are fat soluble and stay in your body so please go for the no-nonsense all-sugar gummy bears 🙂

  22. When I was a kid, I watched one of the girls in my neighborhood eat not one but two Flintstones’ vitamins in the same day. I was convinced that this overdose of pharmaceuticals would cause her to die on the spot. I watched her for a while, and when she didn’t die, I started to question the efficacy of the things. I saw her a couple of years ago, now over forty, and showing no signs of Flintstones-related illness.

    Oddly, I’m getting a craving for Flintstones vitamins now. Just one, though. Just one. Maybe a blue one.

  23. I have a question. Do you like torturing little lifeless things? I do. It’s fun! (no offense little cheap toys) I once found a stuffed animal snowman. I decided other stuffed animals would take it offensively that it was a snow MAN and not a snow ANIMAL. So i ripped off it’s arms and legs and head. and let out a insane long evil laugh for good measure. there’s also the sticky squishy guy, he was way too ripped(muscles, i mean)for a squishy guy so i go “I’ll show you ripped!” and I tear off his arms, legs, and head. (and not to mention minced him with an evil laugh). also, one time my friend told me as i was again doing this to a squishy man, “Oh I’ve always wanted to torture something tiny!” and we all (us three friends) agreed for some reason. Why do these things amuse us so much!?

  24. The only thing better in the universe than gummy bears, whether they are your kids highly vitamin laden kind or just the rubbery vitamin-less kind, is asking yourself questions you already know the answers to.

    OF COURSE YOU ARE THE BEST DAD IN THE WORLD. Geez. You don’t have to decapitate gummy bears to know THAT.

  25. My bones are like rocks since I discovered the calcium gummies !

    And it only makes sense to bite their heads off first – then you don’t hear those annoying screams as you devour the rest of their bodies.

  26. I take it you haven’t seen the house episode where the kid almost dies from eating too many Flintstone vitamins. Hmm… BUT gummi bears are cuter than cavemen, so maybe they’ll be nicer to you…

  27. Did anyone ever read the one where rat was sitting on the couch and said something to the effect…. “So let me get this straight, I eat my vitamins, exercise more, eat vegetables, just so I can live longer to continue this regiment”…… “No thanks, I’d rather die young”
    I would soooo agree! Screw the veggie and pescatarian lifestyle, a bunch of retards I say! We all die anyways! might as well live!

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