If It Looks Like a Duck, and Walks Like a Duck, It Must Be a Bad Christmas Present

I buy my wife bad Christmas presents.  So this year she reciprocated with this:

It’s a stuffed duck.

I thought that was odd, but then my nine-year-old daughter topped her by getting me 15 of these:

They’re miniature babies.

As if that was not enough, my son Thomas then combined the two to form a very disturbing art piece, which I’ve titled “Assault Upon the Duck.”

Thomas says it’s not an attack.  He says the babies are worshiping the duck.

I find that hard to believe given what looks to be a clear attack upon the duck’s head:

Not to mention the valiant charge of the babies up the back:

Thomas says the proof of the babies’ idolatry is shown by the congregation of babies around the duck’s foot, which I have to admit is a pretty compelling argument.

So for those of you who think my comic strip is strange, it’s nothing compared to my family.

God bless us all.

55 thoughts on “If It Looks Like a Duck, and Walks Like a Duck, It Must Be a Bad Christmas Present

  1. You definitely need to get a little helmet and flak jacket for your new “Guard Duck.” Not sure what to do about the babies, though.

  2. That’s like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg? So, was it the comic strip or the strange family?

  3. I fear this strange duck’s ability to attract tiny worshippers. What does it have planned next?

  4. I’ll be needing to see this in your strip…little worshipful babies following Guard Duck

  5. maybe the babies at the duck’s feet are trying to trip it, as the Ewoks tried to do to that mechanical attack machine. i don’t think they have the ability to do it.

  6. I think people gather around them people who are of like minds. Your son is a great artist, I think, and your wife and daughter, well, I think they bought gifts that inspire.

  7. At least the mailman did give you repelling rope; then you would have “Landing Assault on Duck”. Just look on the bright side…

  8. Sounds like your family is a goldmine for inspiration. Pearls should continue for many more decades. Where can we send “thank you” notes for their contribution? :>)

  9. I thought Staci was a steadying influence in your household but perhaps you have driven them all around the bend.Hilarious,actually.

  10. Thanks Stephan. You have put several of my fears at ease.
    1. My family is not unique in our outlook of the surrounding world; dinner conversation last night, “Crunchy cheese kicks my ass!”
    2. My children are now not as abnormal since your children appear to view the world the same way.
    3. My wife is not the only evil reattributing wife with a sense of humor.
    4. Why I signed up for your blog. 😉


    P.S. My boys loved your signed copy of one of your books. I also received a 2011 desktop daily calendar which we all enjoy daily.

  11. at least you KNOW that your family gives gifts like this. My sisters decided to give silly/gag gifts this year. I wish they had told me beforehand.

  12. Feed the little buggers to the Crocs. Bob’s been looking a little thin for the past week.

  13. I second the idea that this is a representation of Guard Duck! However, he’s getting a bit weak if he’s allowing a army of mini-babies to get this much of a drop on him.

  14. Jerry…those babyies are trying to tear down that duck…they must be OREGON STATE BEAVER fans!

    I didn’t realize you had a daily calendar…must find one…

  15. god bless you AND your family – you are all awesome (Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich commercial, anyone?)

  16. It’s a great present. A man can do wonderful things with a duck like that. I bought one for myself at a garage sale because I knew my wife never would. Now I wish someone would give me a handful of those babies.

  17. Reminds of the Modern Family, where the hispanic woman so “Baby Cheeses”, but instead they give her “Baby Jesus”

  18. I think those babies are cake decorations…
    you should send this to cakewrecks.com

    but yeah this seems like something my family would do, except since we have stuffed pheasants as decorations people would think its a legitimate gift haha

  19. Pingback: Top Posts — WordPress.com

  20. My ex husband’s family passes around a large stuffed blowfish as a special occasion gift. That’s weird. My more normal family passes around a Bedtime Barbie. I once drove through downtown Atlanta without knowing she was strapped to the grill of my mini van. She was a surprise gift from my brother.

    You’re right, the babies are attacking. It’s the same way that fire ants swarm. The 3 around the foot are the generals. They’ll give the command to bite once all babies are in position.

  21. I have no words to describe you Stephan. You are an absolute genius. God bless you..!

  22. I think this is a magnificent statement about the ultimate futility of man’s…er….duck’s struggle to swim…er….fly upstream against all odds. Proast!

  23. Actually, from you family, even more weird is to be expected. After all, it’s your family. They have to put up with you all year.

  24. Over the summer of 2010, I had a conversation with someone about the possibility of microscopic ninja ducks living in your jean pockets to climb into your butt. Thus, we came to the conclusion that all ducks are evil and must be eradicated, preferably with the help of armed aquatic squirrels. The babies are clearly attacking the duck.

  25. The babies look like the one’s you get from a Mardi King’s cake. Traditionally, the baby is baked in the cake, and the one who gets the piece with that baby in it has to buy the next cake.

    I think your kids want you to buy them a cake. Or 15 cakes. Or maybe take them to Mardi Gras . . . and the guard duck is a warning if you don’t comply . . ?

  26. @Elizabeth — my first thought when I saw those was CakeWrecks as well. The babies gathered around the duck’s orange leg are very close to being carrot jockeys!

  27. Absolutely LOVE it! My friend and I have mailed a small plastic Halloween skeleton named George back and forth to each other for the past 9 or so years. But I think this is the year we have to switch to a duck…

  28. …The only thing that would make it weirder is if you did a stop motion bit with the babies burrowing either into or out of the duck.

    Be that as it may, it’s already pretty fucking strange. Truly.

  29. What??? The babies are clearly trying to climb up the leg, or hold it down so that the duck cannot move. I see no signs of worship.

  30. I see it as worship. Oh come all ye faithful…oh come let us adore him…Christ mal-lord.

  31. The 1.14.11 strip surprised me.

    Is Pearls Before Swine really being turned into a movie!? Please announce this on your blog!!!

  32. Those babies at the feet of the duck will be forever imprinted on my brain’s screen. And I think that’s a measure of good art. Well done, Pastises.

  33. in response to Sarah K: you fool! Guard Duck is clearly starting his own regiment. after all, he’s been on leave for years — it’s about time he got himself some new troops!

    and here is an emoticon of a kitty cat, because i know how much these annoy you.

    =^~_o^= it winks, too.

  34. In Mexico, on January 6 (Epiphany) they serve a pastry called Rosca de Reyes, an oval ring with three tiny baby figurines in it. First one to cut into one (Headline: Baby Jesus knifed) has to have everyone over some other day for tamales, which are yummy but pretty work intensive for us Anglos, anyway. So you could save them for next Epiphany, invite a whole bunch of Mexican friends over, and get free tamales for a year. Of course your daughter might have an issue with baking her little babies in a pastry, let alone the knife part.

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