Our Best Work Is Behind Us: A Plan To Save This Nation

The man in front of me in Starbucks was wearing sweatpants. Then he bent over.

There, on his ass, was the word “PINK.”

After thinking the obvious (Where can I get my hands on a pair of sweatpants like that?),  I had to address a few other issues.  Like…

Why was I staring at his ass?

Why he is putting words there?


Maybe our country really is collapsing.

I haven’t read enough history to know, but I think this ass-writing business is the beginning of the end.

Because no great people ever became great whilst reading each other’s asses.

It surely brought down the Romans (“Pinkus Maximus”), the Brits (“Ye Olde Pink”) and the Aztecs (“Quetzalpinkal”).

Of course, there is another side to this argument.  One steeped in the wisdom of one of our Founding Fathers.

For Benjamin Franklin believed that democracy is only as strong as its people are educated.  And thus he established the first public library so that the American people would read.

But did that include the man’s ass in Starbucks?

Maybe that’s why our libraries are so empty now.  So irrelevant.

Because we have each other’s sweatpants.

Let me leave on an uplifting note.  And that is this:

If we want to strengthen this democracy, we need to start reading again.  Reading everything.  History, biography, science and great works of literature.  But not in books.

Rather, we need to print Hamlet across the rear ends of a new line of sweatpants, one word per buttocks.  And if all those people wearing all those sweatpants come into my Starbucks on the same day and in the right order, I will read Hamlet in its entirety.  And so will you.

And those visiting our public libraries will find nothing but people in sweatpants.  At one word per person, our libraries will get somewhat crowded.  But we can use the stimulus funds to expand them.  And that means jobs.

And the Republic will be saved.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some sweatpants to buy.

40 thoughts on “Our Best Work Is Behind Us: A Plan To Save This Nation

  1. In Act II, Scene IV of Romeo and Juliet, Mercutio says “Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.” Maybe Hamlet was in a different Starbucks.

  2. “O that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass: though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.”
    – William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing, 4.2

    Sweatpants maybe, maybe not on a thong.

  3. The PINK sweatpants are from Victoria’s Secret – and a GUY was wearing them? Usually when guys try on their girlfriends’ clothing, it’s in private. You gotta be really comfortable with your masculinity to wear ladies’ sweatpants out to Starbucks.

    Or be really drunk.

  4. I’m glad that you chose “Hamlet” instead of “Love’s Labor Lost”.
    I think that I’d rather not look at the ass of the person sporting the word ‘Honorificabilitudinitatibus’.

  5. I’m with Kirk. “PINK” is a Victoria’s Secret line of apparel. I would wonder less about why you were reading his behind and more about why he was wearing them in the first place.

  6. I can’t picture any of my male acquaintances, gay OR straight, who’d wear a pair of “PINK” sweats in public. Maybe he just didn’t know.

    FWIW, the first sweats with butt-writing I ever saw were on an extraordinarily attractive member of the sorority where I worked (and lived!) as a houseboy at the University of Washington during the last three of my seven years (don’t ask) as an undergrad, 1990-93. Her high school’s initials (something something H S) were plastered across her lovely behind pretty much any time we saw here in the early morning or late at night. My co-worker and I thought it was hilarious. (Yes, I said we lived in a sorority. Best job ever.)

  7. My husband has just run to Wallys’ World, where I am sure Rat will greet him with a “Move on Ass”. He is going to buy every pair of sweats he can find for himself and I hope not me. He plans on putting all your fine literature on the ass of each. He is hoping this catches on and everyone will be a PBS fan and rush out to buy these sweats and then you two can share the profits. Make sure you leave a little of the profits for Staci and I!

  8. If I’m a librarian, does that mean I get to wear sweats to work? And I can tell my boss you said so? And furthermore, read my ass?

  9. If you’re interested in ass-writing that is as ridiculous, check out the clothing sections for toddler girls. TODDLER. GIRLS. In addition to also calling into question the intents of our founding fathers, this ass-writing has the additional quality of being horrifyingly unfunny. Bonus!

  10. I will volunteer to be the start of Farenheit 451. My behind will accomodate two words per buttock. But then that begs the question “Do you REALLY want to see me in sweatpants?” I think we all know the answer to that.

  11. Pastis, quit blogging after you’ve had a few! Pink… Sweatpants… Man… You’re not fooling anyone, you’re seeing the damn pink elephants! You’ve got some issues my friend that you really need to address. Were here for you when you’re ready… just sayin’.

  12. I imagine there will be some very busy lawyers when you are required to make those sweatpants in Braille.

  13. Speaking as a library student who only hears about how libraries are empty and how we need to get more people into them, I think we would welcome the extra patronage. (Reads the first few lines of Hamlet) I can’t wait to see the guy with the word “Bernardo?” plastered on his butt.

  14. An infinite number of monkeys wearing an infinate number of sweatpants with an infinate number of words on their asses. This would produce… a lot of confused monkeys.

  15. “Maybe that’s why our libraries are so empty”

    I don’t know what library you go to, but all the ones I visit in my locale are busier than ever.

  16. Pingback: Glorysgirl · Bored board

  17. Let’s not forget how this can also utilize our diversity as a nation, small words for those tiny tight asses and large words for the wider, fuller asses.

    Everyone will have a part to play…

  18. On the subject of literary posteriors, why not “Coriolanus?” I know you’re thinking “ha ha, uranus,” but I would totally walk around with “[C]onverses more with the buttock of the night than with the forehead of the morning” on my ass.

  19. Unrelated note: Did anyone else see the Pearls reference in One Big Happy on Sept. 19th? Check the werewolf’s shirt in the first panel.

  20. A man wearing women’s clothing from Victoria’s Secret probably refers to those as “sweet”pants.

  21. “Quetzalpinkal” – thank you. I’ll be thinking about a pink feathered serpent all day now.
    Hmmm…perhaps a boa would go well with wordy pants.

  22. Pingback: Reading the writing on the ass | Autumn People

  23. Lol you write like an evil version of Doug Spiers, the humour columnist for the Winnipeg Free Press. He’s something of a local celebrity, have a look at some of his columns:


    The difference is he writes family friendly columns…

    Y’know, it seems a lot of comics are so concerned with making some obscure point that they forget to be funny. Pearls doesn’t fall into that trap, which is why it’s my absolute favourite comic strip. Keep up the good work.

  24. Mr. Pastis! Libraries are pretty busy these days. Check one out the next time you’re headed to the supermarket or taco bell for lunch. No detours through the cheese section necessary.

  25. Woah… new look at the infinite monkey theorem… also, a word is fine; a verse is not…

  26. Hamlet or hamhocks? How about the 500 pigs they’ve quarantined in Florida since 2005 because they have an infectious disease? They are just NOW going to euthanize them? Hey, I love PETA, but they kill democrats in less than 5 years! I mean how crazy are we to babysit 500 swine for over 5 years with an infectious disease?

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