The man in front of me in Starbucks was wearing sweatpants. Then he bent over.
There, on his ass, was the word “PINK.”
After thinking the obvious (Where can I get my hands on a pair of sweatpants like that?), I had to address a few other issues. Like…
Why was I staring at his ass?
Why he is putting words there?
Maybe our country really is collapsing.
I haven’t read enough history to know, but I think this ass-writing business is the beginning of the end.
Because no great people ever became great whilst reading each other’s asses.
It surely brought down the Romans (“Pinkus Maximus”), the Brits (“Ye Olde Pink”) and the Aztecs (“Quetzalpinkal”).
Of course, there is another side to this argument. One steeped in the wisdom of one of our Founding Fathers.
For Benjamin Franklin believed that democracy is only as strong as its people are educated. And thus he established the first public library so that the American people would read.
But did that include the man’s ass in Starbucks?
Maybe that’s why our libraries are so empty now. So irrelevant.
Because we have each other’s sweatpants.
Let me leave on an uplifting note. And that is this:
If we want to strengthen this democracy, we need to start reading again. Reading everything. History, biography, science and great works of literature. But not in books.
Rather, we need to print Hamlet across the rear ends of a new line of sweatpants, one word per buttocks. And if all those people wearing all those sweatpants come into my Starbucks on the same day and in the right order, I will read Hamlet in its entirety. And so will you.
And those visiting our public libraries will find nothing but people in sweatpants. At one word per person, our libraries will get somewhat crowded. But we can use the stimulus funds to expand them. And that means jobs.
And the Republic will be saved.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some sweatpants to buy.