Not long ago, the deli in my grocery store put mayonnaise on the sandwich that I asked for with no mayonnaise.
Admittedly, the instructions I gave were vague. I said, “Please, whatever you do, don’t give me mayonnaise.”
The next week they left the turkey off a turkey sandwich. That’s an item most turkey sandwiches include.
Yesterday, they topped even themselves.
They failed to make the sandwich entirely.
That’s a weird thing about a sandwich order. You need to remember the sandwich.
I now see that with each mistake, I’m going to get less and less.
Which means the next thing they will do is come to my house and remove the food from my refrigerator.
The reason this keeps happening is that they keep getting new employees and I don’t know them. So I don’t know which ones will screw up my sandwich. Worse, I can’t remember who screwed up the last time.
Thus, I’ve decided to steal an idea from the Boy Scouts.
They award merit badges to people who accomplish things.
I will do the opposite. I will award badges to people who fail to accomplish things.
It is called the Badge of Stoopid. And it looks like this:
Think of it as a merit badge in reverse.
I’m going to have thousands of them made into stickers. And when someone around me does something not just stupid, but stoopid, I will peel off one of these stickers and affix it to their shirt.
The stoopidest among us will have more Stoopid Badges than a TGI Friday’s employee has chotchkies. This will allow us to instantly recognize those among us who are dangerously inept.
And there will be gradations of how much stoopid you can tolerate. While three on your gardener is probably okay, three on your barber is not. Nor is two on your airplane pilot. Nor one on your brain surgeon.
On the flip side, all human beings will have a maximum tolerance of twelve. A Twelver, as they will be called, should not be allowed to brush lint from your shoulder. They could take out an eye.
So feel free to put one of these on that special someone in your life.
Just don’t put any on me. I invented the damn things. Plus, my mistakes have a reason.
I can’t think straight.
Because I’m hungry.
Because my sandwich came without a sandwich.