The Sad Saga of the Toilet Paper Baby

Squeezed a bunch of toothpaste out of the tube this morning to see if the adage, “You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube” is right.

It is.

Staci walked in as I was doing it.  I had toothpaste on all of my fingers.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she asked.

Which reminds me.

When Staci really wants to know what I’m doing, she says, “What are you doing?”

When she wants to imply I’m someone she never should have married, she throws in the words “do you think”.

I’ve come to learn over the years that there is no need to answer the questions with “do you think” in the middle.

So I just stood there with toothpaste on my hands and watched as she put a big package of toilet paper in the cabinet under the sink.

That’s when it caught my eye.

On the package of toilet paper was a baby sitting in the clouds.

“Why does our toilet paper have a picture of a baby in the clouds?” I asked Staci.

“Why does it matter?” she said.

“Because babies are cute and lovable,” I said.

“So?” she said.

“So it depresses me to associate them with my toilet paper.”

“It’s not a regular baby,” she said. “It’s an angel baby.  That’s why the toilet paper is called Angel Soft.”

“Does that mean my toilet paper baby died?” I asked.

“Wash the toothpaste off your hands,” she said.

“Am I the only one bothered by this?” I asked.

“Wash your hands,” she said.

I stood there pondering how this unfortunate baby had started my whole day off on the wrong foot.

“Stephan, seriously,” she said, grabbing me by the wrists and putting my hands under the hot water tap.

I said the only thing I could.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

47 thoughts on “The Sad Saga of the Toilet Paper Baby

  1. LMAO!!! You are a lucky man to have a wife who can put up with your weirdness…maybe someday it will rub off on her and you’ll catch her with toothpaste all over her hands…

  2. Oh gosh…………it’s like my eyes have been opened for the first time……

    Someone should really start a charity fund for the poor toilet paper babies.

  3. Bless her heart! Although the baby is a little disturbing. I’ll never look at my toilet paper the same again.

  4. This has been most evident in my 34 years of marriage, which has actually been the best 12 years of our lives. [Fortunately, the LAST 12.The other 22 just completely sucked]

    The actual reply should be, as one comedian said, “I’m not going to get in trouble for what I think I am doing… so the question, here is, what do YOU think I’m doing”

  5. Your wife and my wife are much alike in what they have to put up with from their husbands.

    Well played, sir.

  6. I would animate that conversation in xtranormal but I don’t think they have toiletpaper or toothpaste as props.

  7. I salute your wife’s patience. And I agree that associating cute and cuddly things (babies, small bears) with toilet paper is quite disturbing.

  8. it’s the pillows on that other brand that bother me, I don’t think they’d be so happy and smiling if they knew what was coming! Wiping the toothpaste off with the toilet paper would be a nice change for those little guys….minty!

  9. Ha! Very very funny. Mr. Pastis, you know how to joke.

  10. You know, you’re absolutely right. Why did they decide to use a baby and make them an “angel baby” as their mascot? I mean before using a baby and making it an angel would have resulted in a cherub, though technically what folks call cherubs (the winged baby angels) are actually putto, putti being the plural. And since Angel Soft is using the singular form of angel, shouldn’t it actually be Putto Soft since that’s what their mascot is? Or even Cherub Soft since most of us refer to the image of putti as cherubs? They didn’t put an image of an angel on their product so their just misleading us.

  11. Seems to me it’s like the Royale Kittens and the Cottonell Pups. It’s like wiping your ass on their fur.

  12. this leads us of course to the eternal question of ‘then what do angels use?’

  13. Not that I’ve ever tried it but it should be theoretically possible to return toothpaste back into the tube. I’ve done it with lotion in a squeeze tube, especially because a lot of toothpaste tubes these days are made of nylon and not metal.

    Let’s see if that beranger guy can make a federal case out of THIS blog. HA!

  14. “this leads us of course to the eternal question of ‘then what do angels use?’”

    White Cloud.

  15. I love your sense of humor, if I was your wife tho, I would need lots of margaritas. Lots. Buts thats alright. There are worse things in this world. Like babies used to advertise t.p. I think ad execs use their salaries to get high to dream up their weird associations. I bet most of them are from Cali. 😉

  16. At least the angel babies don’t have commercials with close ups of them wiping their behinds. Leave that to the bears.

  17. Never fear, you need no longer be sad when reaching for your TP. Angels are not by definition dead humans, but a separate spiritual entity, like the tooth fairy. Unlike the tooth fairy however, they bring toilet paper in times of desperate need. So when you look and realize you have none on the roll, and grasp with vain hope in your bathroom cabinet, they bounce down from their clouds and deposit that precious commodity just slightly behind that awkwardly placed bottle of bathroom cleaner. Be warned however, that if you do something particularly bad, the babies will ignore your cries, or worse, leave you with nothing but old dry sponges and bristly scrub brushes.

  18. Do these things really happen to you???
    Or is that twisted mind of yours just making them up???

    Has Staci ever appeared in any of your Pearls strips??? Might be a good way to get revenge on her…

  19. ‘fess up, you don’t really have a woman. You live with your mom and Staci is the cover name you use for her. You are a sick man, funny but sick.

  20. oh Kami, I now have to wonder why they put a baby on the toilet paper. One brand uses puppies. It is a sad form of advertising. Perhaps what they are trying to say is that though babies are cute, you don’t want to be like one and not be capable of wiping your own bottom.

  21. Maybe the toilet paper baby started fanny rub before Pig and Guard Duck. Mr. Pastis, that’s the hardest I’ve laughed in the past couple of weeks. Wonderful strip today.

  22. “When she wants to imply I’m someone she never should have married, she throws in the words “do you think”.”

    …sounds like Staci is living a dream.

    A dream in which she is married to a normal, mature adult male 😉

    What is that movie where a guy has a great can’t-miss career, all the talent in the world, a woman hooks up with him and then he abandons his career and goes off on some wild goose chase, dragging her along because she’s too modest to admit that she married a crazy-man…damm it’s on the tip of my tongue, can’t remember it.

    Anyway this sounds like you two.
    Ain’t love wonderful…

  23. Guy, you really are funny. 😦 I was so hoping not to like you. Or your strip. Seriously. Takes a lot to make me laugh, so know I’m serious. ‘k?

  24. I had thought I commented, but guess I am getting forgetful. Have to say this is one of my ALL TIME favorite blogs. It just ring so true!

  25. I see it has been since December since I commented on this….my all time favorite…the reason I am commenting again, is I had to show this to family as I think this is the funniest thing I have ever read (well I probably have read other funny things, but this ranks up there as one of the best). Now Stephan, when do you think you will be writing your next blog…it has been a while, also Rat has not spoken on twitter for a while and I see from facebook that you have been on rooftops drinking. Your fans or shoud I say Rat’s fans are waiting!

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