Woe to the Telemarketer Who Has to Call Me

Just got a sales call from a magazine asking me to subscribe.

“Can’t,” I said.

“Why not?” he asked.

“I’m blind,” I said.

I could hear him searching through his sales call notebook.

“We have a special audio edition for the visually impaired.”

“Won’t do much good,” I said.

“Why not?” he asked.

“I’m deaf.”

I could hear him start to shuffle through his notebook again.  Then he got smart.

“Then how have you been hearing this conversation?” he asked.

“It comes and goes,” I said.

“I’ve never heard of deafness that comes and goes,” he said.

“WHAT?!” I shouted.

42 thoughts on “Woe to the Telemarketer Who Has to Call Me

  1. You actually answer calls from those idiots? Whassamatta with you? Get yourself caller ID and use it.

  2. That is genius.

    Hey, if some guy’s Tweets can inspire a sitcom with William Shatner, why not this blog? Stephan is like a misanthropic version of George Costanza.

  3. P.S. To the person who thought illiterate would work better: that won’t get you out of the audio version like intermittent deafness will. (Again, it is genius – I’m going to forward all my telemarketer calls to Stephan. Along with calls from my boss.)

  4. When the jehovah’s witness came to my friends house he dressed up like a devil, ran out his front door at them, and yelled demonic things

  5. try to sound like a little kid and when they ask for stephan pastis say that he died

  6. I got a call from the mortgage company that is forclosing on our house. The rep said she needed to verify my SSN before proceding. Knowing their is nothing else we can do(we are moving in 2 weeks), I said, “No.” Very kindly, but firmly. I TOTALLY THREW HER OFF HER SCRIPT! It was kinda funny.

  7. I like to shout, “Hey Dad, it’s for you!”

    Then take the receiver in and put it on top of the toilet and do a flush.

    They go away soon after.

  8. according to my g/f…all men are partially deaf….did she just yell at me…..?

  9. Excellent! My best telemarketer story comes from my 84-year-old grandpa, who once pretended that he knew the telemarketer.

    Sales rep: Hello, this is Marsha calling from Acme Timeshare…
    Grandpa: Marsha! Good to hear from you! How’s the baby? Ever find out who the father was?

    Totally threw her off. She actually hung up on HIM.

  10. I heard this comedian years ago do this skit called revenge of the telemarketer where the guy answers the phone and the voice asks to speak to the man of the house, and the guy yells Bruce, are you the man this week or am I. he then says to the telemarketer I have to ask, he gets so irritable. Of course they hang up. So I prayed please God give me this oppertunity to do this. Well it came. The bad part was I was at work in a very busy Veterinary clinic. We were in surgery, people were coming in and out for dog food and flea preventives and the phones were ringing like crazy. Three Technician’s, two phone lines and assisting in surgery and clients in and out. Well the phone rings, I answer, such and such animal hospital this is John and the voice says can I speak to the woman of the house, my mind said Mike ( one of the other Techs ) am I the woman this week or are you? but what came out was THIS IS A VETERINARY HOSPITAL, they hung up. I told everyone later when things calmed down and to my surprise the Vet said if you ever get the chance again, do it!

  11. I had a deaf friend who said every time they went through the drive through at a fast food joint, he would stop at the intercom and say, “I’m deaf and I’ll order at the window.” When he would get to the window, they would give him a braille menu.

    Huh?

  12. …tell them that you want the whole set and when they ask for your address tell them that you live with their mom and to just bill it to her Visa.

  13. My mom was telemarketer scaring queen. She thrived on answering the phone calls we got at the house just to shoot’em down… Some of her more memorable moments included playing Pearl Jam and Nirvana really loud in their ears, and trying to sell one guy a chicken. The best part was, he was partially interested in the chicken thing, so she ended up on the phone for a good ten minutes describing this bionic chicken she was selling for only “39.95 plus shipping and handling!” lmao

  14. My friend used to tell them, “I have to go now – the medical examiner’s van just pulled up and they’re drawing the chalk outline.” I never had the nerve to pull that one off.

  15. I was a telemarketer for three short weeks (I quit to go to college). Worst job ever, especially when people just hang up. And when you first start, they want you to call people from the phone book. It got better later on because then they gave business cards left by unsuspecting customers who thought they were meant for a lucky draw at the hotel coffeehouse. I did get some sales because I worked at the hotel before and I knew some regulars who would enjoy the discounts and free nights. Anyways, it’s not easy being a telemarketer.

  16. At my neighborhood grocery store there are always people trying to sell subscriptions of the local paper. They bombard you as you walk in & out. I’ve gotten to where when they shout at me to save money on a newspaper I don’t read I like to shout back “i only buy it on Sundays” on the way in, and “i can’t read” on the way out. Oddly they keep asking me everytime they see me.

  17. Woe to thee whom communicates with Stephan Pastis. Woe to thee.

    You should also say “I’m sorry. Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice mail system. Please speak at the beep. BEEP!” But say it in a somewhat feminine, robotic voice. Oh, and after you say that, hang up the phone.

  18. Ha ha haha ha ha Loved thw post I dont Bother to bother the telemarketers though ….But Loved ur Post ….
    And m also insanely In love with ur comic strip!
    Could Rat be More DreamY!!!!!*deamy eyed*

  19. I LOVE DOING THIS!
    P.S. @ Spaceman: We answer telemarketer’s calls as they piss us off and therefore we have the right to screw with their minds.

  20. AH hah hah hahahahahahaha! When my spouse calls one of those automated answering lines where you’re supposed to talk to the robot, “say Yes or press 1,” so as to save the corporation money, he hollers made-up words into the phone. An actual person comes on real quick.

  21. insist that the telemarketer is your cousin Mookie, ask him or her family related questions such as how is auntie wanda , is she out of prison yet, and ask cousin mookie when he or she is going to repay the money they owe you.

    or you can be a frustrated southern mom, screaming at your children at random times during the conversation, thisngs such as-billy bob I told you , no liquor until you turn 10, or sally may, put down that knife right this minute, your brother did not mean to spill his juice on you …telemarketers rule …

  22. Wow – recently saw where you actually worked this storyline into a strip with Rat picking up the phone. Good work Stephan!

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