Stephan in the Land of the Beautiful People

I’m going to Miami in a couple weeks.  I’m going with my friend Emilio.

We’re gonna drink a lot and go to the beach.

Most wives would have trouble with their husbands going on drinking trips with their degenerate friends, but not Staci.  She loves when I leave.

That’s troubling.

More troubling is the fact that she gave me a pack of Crest teeth-whitening strips to use before the trip.

I’m not sure what that means.

The only thing I can figure out is that she has a boyfriend and wants to leave me for him.  But for that to happen without her feeling guilty, she needs me to find a girlfriend.  But she doesn’t think that can happen.

Unless my teeth are whiter.

The box of whitening strips promises white teeth in ten days.  I’ve been wearing them for five.

Here’s where we stand:

So in just five more days I should be one of the Beautiful People.

Wish me luck.

For Staci’s sake.

23 thoughts on “Stephan in the Land of the Beautiful People

  1. Dude guess what? ALL wives (unless they’re weird) LOVE when their husbands go away for a couple of days. This way everything stays clean for at least 48 hours.

  2. you should go buy a pair of those fake “bubba” teeth and after the ten days are up tell her that the strips didn’t work and show her your teeth. then post how that went on here.

  3. I’m with Spaceman on this one. She would be entirely justified in foisting you off on some random spring break bimbo… after all the crap you put that poor woman through. Is that sock STILL under there where you kicked it?

  4. seriously: i can’t stress enough how important it is to think ahead when it comes to paper trails. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT.

  5. Maybe she just wants you clean and sparkly for when you get back. Maybe she wants your teeth to sparkle so much that they reflect off the two pairs of expensive sunglasses that you lost. At least you are using the strips. That shows real character. Stay away from coffee with chicory and also any kind of beer that is dark–they will defeat the purpose of the whitening strips. Have some fun for the rest of us.

  6. Theory one: She wants you to look good in the vacation snapshots.

    Theory two: When a bikini-clad bimbo leans over and tells you you have a beautiful smile, she wants you to at least feel a pang of guilt, or more probably just blurt out, “thank you, my wife got me teeth whitening strips.”

    Theory three: She’s thinking of using them herself, but wants to test to see if there are any bad side effects, first.

  7. Miami, huh? You look like you got big hands, why not go see Bill Parcells about a job at wide receiver. Lord knows we need someone who can catch…

  8. Maybe she wants to kiss a clean mouth for a change! We all know that secretly, late at night, when no one is looking, you have the mouth of Rat.

  9. Ok…I’ve use the White Strips and i have found that they leave your teeth extremely sensitive…so I’m thinking that maybe your wife is thinking that if you use them before your trip your teeth will be far too sensitive to drink anything (especially beer) cold, and nobody likes warm drinks(especially beer). Just a thought.

  10. Dude-When you leave this time, could you leave the back light on for me? Thanks, man.

  11. Haven’t the commenters on this blog been predicting something like this for months now?

    Not me, I’m too dense.

  12. If sure if she were serious about this, she’d schedule you for a professional whitening session. I think she’s just messing with your head.

  13. I have found those whitening strip things to be completely unhelpful. I usually end up swallowing most of the gel and my teeth still look like I drink coffee everyday….which I do.

    Someday, if I am rich, I will have a dentist do a whitening treatment. Hey I love your blog, it inspires me to writea about the hilarious, but rather normal things that happen to me as a college kid. Thanks, I also read your comic strip in The Signal newspaper.

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