A Triscuit, a Tasket, Your Question Do Not Ask It

I found a number on the side of my Triscuit box.  It’s for people who have questions about Triscuits.

So I called it.

A woman answered.

“Thank you for calling Kraft Foods.  Can I help you?”

“Hi,” I said, “Is this the number for people who have Triscuit-related questions?”

“Yes, it is,” she said.

“Great,” I said, “I have a buddy who eats a box of Triscuits a day.  As a Triscuit-eater, what can he do to bring about peace in the Middle East?”

There was a long pause.

“I don’t have an answer for that,” she said.

“Is there someone there who does?” I replied.

“I’ll have to put you on hold,” she said, “Can I ask you your name?”

“Burt Hamerstein,” I said.

She put me on hold.  Three minutes later, she returned.

“Mr. Hamerstein, we don’t deal with peace in the Middle East and the use of this phone number for that is inappropriate.”

Then she hung up.

So much for my Triscuit-related question.

26 thoughts on “A Triscuit, a Tasket, Your Question Do Not Ask It

  1. Dummy. You should have asked for a free box of Triscuits while you had them on the phone. They probably would have sent it to you.

    Call them back.

  2. Please don’t do that. I own a huge amount of stock in Kraft and you are wasting our profits. Spank you very much, Triscut commie.

  3. I like how she had to put you on hold and consult someone else for 3 whole minutes to come up with that response. They need funnier call center reps.

  4. Next time, tell them you found a finger in the box and see how quickly they respond to you!

  5. “…and the use of this phone number for that is inappropriate”

    …ergo, sum 🙂

    PC strikes back! 🙂

    Notice how after realizing that it became “appropriate” for her to be rude to you…maybe you should call her and discuss “appropriate” customer-relations 😉

    Ask to speak to her manager…she’ll like that 🙂

  6. So as a Pearls Before Swine fan, what can I do to slow the spread of you-know-what-flu?

  7. You need to contact Weingarten for help in calling 800 help #’s. He’s got it down to a science.

  8. The Ritz cracker folks are the bringing cracker peace to the Middle East. Triscuit only handles some parts of Utah, most of Montana, and upstate New York. And don’t mess with the Wheat Thin crowd as they are vengeful mothers!!!

  9. I am not sure but maybe you phrased it wrong – did you mean how could your friend bring peace to the middle east using triscuits? Because I think it has to be more triscuit related – you should call them back and check. And if you hang up again, I say call back and ask them what exactly is wrong with the question, so you can get it phrased correctly for them in the future. And if they still have a problem you really should call again and ask if triscuits aren’t the appropriate cracker, what would be the appropriate one to contact on that matter – kraft makes many fine cracker items. They should at least be helpful and point you in the right direction.

  10. I read Dave’s comment. Is he related to you in some way? Sounds very similar to something you might say, Stephan!

  11. From a business standpoint, it may have been smarter for them to suggest your friend to continue buying and eating triscuits, and for you to do so as well.

  12. Had she been a good CSR, she would have told you that the number for peace in the middle east is 1-800-Lay-Glass.

  13. If you drop a bomber-load of Triscuits over the Middle East you would cover them with whole wheat goodness. Suddenly… PEACE!!!

  14. Wow. You should do a weeklong series in “Pearls” about something like that.

  15. Next time, try a 900 number at the back of certain magazines. They will be more than happy to discuss peace inthe Midfle East with you for as long as you like.

  16. After I got done laughing, I though that helpline on the Triscuit/Kraft (part of RJ REYNOLDS CIGGIES, once upon a time)was misleading, and dammit, man, you should sue! You asked a question, although you may have been a leetle bit fraudulent in using another name, but I think it was a legitimate question. Another question is this: If a person eats a box of Triscuits a day, doesn’t he spend more time in the bathroom reading TIME magazine or THE NEW YORKER since the gastric consequences of eating a box of Triscuits a day will cause him to have bigger issues on his mind than peace in the Middle East. Of course, reading “serious” issue magazines like the two I mentioned might answer his question….besides, the woman on the phone was probably constipated and therefore, cranky.

  17. That’s appalling customer service. In my younger and more sodden days, I frequently used to call the 1-800 number of a large mail-order seller of outdoor clothing when I’d had a few too many and thought I was funny. (I don’t want to give away the company name, but they’re located in Freeport, ME and their initials are L.L.B.) Never once did I talk to a rep who was anything but pleasant, charming and funny, and I was NEVER told it was “inappropriate” to call them when I was three-sheets-to-the-wind and just wanted to B.S. with a stranger on the opposite side of the country.

  18. Little Known Fact: Cartoonists in the Middle East are not allowed to be pricks.

  19. OMG, that’s the kind of stuff a local radio guy called Gary Burbank used to do. He would call different companies using his alter identity Gilbert Gnarley.

    Gilbert Gnarley was an old man who would call and say. This is Gilbert Gnarley, G-N-A-R-L-E-Y. He once called the company that makes K-Y Jelly. He told them the “Kentucky Jelly” was bland tasting. They would explain that it was a personal lubricant and not to be eaten.

    He called the company that made The Clapper. He said he was blinded by the lights flickering because his pet seal was constantly clapping and the lights would go crazy.

  20. I once called the number for Proctor & Gamble that was on a bar of Ivory soap. Here’s what I asked them:

    “It says on the label that Ivory Soap is 99 and 44/100% pure.”

    “That’s right,” said the woman on the phone.

    “Pure what?” I asked.

    She said something about animal fat, which is probably the reason that I’m a vegan today. My next question was “Who invented soap” and she really didn’t have an answer for that.

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