The Barber of Da Grill

My friend Tim never combed his hair.

The front of it looked like a tangled bird’s nest dangling from his forehead.

And though he was smart, he had no common sense.

In short, not a guy you want to see try and operate a propane barbecue.

But try it he did one summer in Los Angeles when we were both in our twenties.

Tim wanted to grill a plate-load of hamburger patties for a party he was having that night.  So he turned up the gas and pushed the igniter button, but the barbecue wouldn’t light.  So something in Tim’s head told him to keep turning up the gas ’til it would.

By the time it lit, Tim had enough propane swirling around his head to light all the barbecues in California.

Tim was lucky.  Despite the huge flash of flame, his only injury was the loss of that bird’s nest worth of hair that hung over his forehead.

Later that night at the party, Tim, who never had much luck with girls, was approached by the prettiest girl at the entire party, a girl he knew from his work.  A girl who knew nothing about Tim’s accident.

“Hey Tim,” she said.

“Hey,” he said.

And then Tim got the only compliment about his personal appearance that I believe he ever got in his life.

“Your hair looks great,” she said.

But his euphoria wouldn’t last.  Because of the next question.

“Where’d you get it done?”

He could have lied.  He could have ambiguously said, “The place down the block.”  Or made up the name of a barber shop.

But he didn’t.

He said this:

“My propane barbecue blew up and singed all my hair off.”

The girl said nothing.  Either did Tim.  So the girl walked off.

I can only imagine what Tim said the next time his barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

“Do it just like my barbecue.”

27 thoughts on “The Barber of Da Grill

  1. I’ve never blown my hair off using a grill, but I have singed my eyebrows lighting gunpowder. Does that count?

  2. I had a similar experience once. The ignite button just wasn’t working, so I decided to close the lid on the grill and let the gas build and still nothing. Then I decided that I should use a lighter to set it off. The ball of fire that engulfed my arm threw me back a bit, singing off all the arm hair up to my sleeve… Could’ve been worse, I guess.

  3. the chick sounds like a snob if she just walked away after hearing that. how is that story NOT attention grabbing.

  4. I agree with Rat on the matter.

    No, just kidding.
    I dunno, I would have asked more about the whole hair-singing buisness.

  5. @Bonnie B.: No, burnt hair isn’t the worst. It’s when it’s burnt nostril hair that it’s the worst. No escaping it then.
    And my own experience (why do you ask?) was with acetylene. None of this pansy propane or gunpowder stuff for me!

  6. Burnt arm hair smells just like chicharrones, but I’m not sure I’d want to smell burnt hair or burnt beard hair.

  7. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
    Maybe I should get my friend to do this. He hasn’t cut his hair since freshman year in highscool, and we’re at college together now.

  8. You might want to talk to your syndacite about folks running your dailies and Sunday’s a little too early. Unless it was one you did a while ago, I just saw this Sunday’s Pearls on Yahoo. The crocs as census takers. A wee bit too early to start running it, Pearls and Peanuts are the last two of the comics I read there that are updated for the day their supposed to be, usually I find them updated some time after three in the morning (more often around four or later). But it’s not even seven thirty on Saturday here and their both already Sunday’s comic. Much earlier than any of the others I read.

  9. Uh, this might seem random, but did anybody who gets email subscriptions to this get a notice about a blog called “I Just Won a Gold Medal,” because it was blank and when I clicked to view the full link, it was gone.

  10. It kind of scares me that people can go to a supermarket and get a full propane tank. Although a tank of propane is probably cheaper than a haircut in most places.

  11. There can be a fine line between winning a Darwin Award and winning the affection of a lady.

    My bet is that he will most likely win a Darwin Award first.

  12. My wife once tried to burn down our dog. It got tar on its feet, and she was cleaning it off on our counter using Coleman fuel. The Coleman fuel vapors drifted over to the oven pilot light and then flashed back. The poor dog’s whiskers were half melted and the tips of its white hair singed brown. Don’t know exactly why; but for years after that it ran when we opened the refrigerator.

  13. One time I fired up the grill and it wasn’t responding with enough flame. At the time I lived in a mobile home park — red flags there huh? — and these kids were walking by after I had doused the charcoal once again with fluid. WHOOSSHHHH! This big fireball erupted like I was performing some kind of magic trick. I ended up with singed eyebrows. The kids just kind of stared at me and I said: “Don’t try this at home!” It got a good laugh from the kids and every time we’d see each other the kids would say: “Don’t try this at home.”

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