I’m So Tired of the Weirdos

Standing in line at Starbucks this morning, I started staring at the ceiling, wondering what would happen if the earth lost its gravitational pull.

Starbucks has all these floating wooden platforms that hang about a foot below the ceiling, attached by narrow metal rods.   All I could think was that if we all floated up to them, some of the customers would get wedged between the platforms and the ceilings.  Which would probably be the safest place to be, because everyone’s hot lattes would be pouring up and out of their cups.

That’s when the fat guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder.

“You gonna move forward?” he said.

I looked ahead of me.  There was an eight-foot gap between me and the person in front of me in line.

“Sorry,” I said, knowing I should leave it at that.  But I couldn’t.

“I was just thinking how dangerous this place would be if the earth lost its gravitational pull.”

The man said nothing.

I pointed to the wooden things hanging from the ceiling.

“We’d get wedged up there.”

The man just stared.

I was tempted to establish my credibility with him by telling him that way back in 2006, I picked the winner of the 2010 Super Bowl.  But before I could say, “I predict the future,” the Starbucks employee asked if she could take my order.

So I gave her my order and waited for her to fill the cup.  And the whole time I waited, the guy behind me kept staring at me.  Like he had nothing better to do.

What a weirdo.

63 thoughts on “I’m So Tired of the Weirdos

  1. What is it with people who think you need to keep a gap from forming? What would be wrong with just standing still there without closing a gap every time it formed? Yeah I can see that it would serve as an obvious block to line jumping, but why else?

  2. How dare that weirdo stare! Doesn’t he understand the complex inner working of the great Stephan Pastis?! Does he not know that he is talking to one of the greatest minds in cartooning?!?
    I suppose he was too intoxicated by the coffee fumes to not take into account the severity of the situation of the gravitational pull being lost.

    Oh well. You warned him.

  3. I have the same thought when I go to Starbuck’s. It really is a hazard to have decorated ceilings and hot beverages in the same place.

  4. I love that in your version the guy behind you is the weirdo. I would love to hear that guys version of the story.

  5. Maybe you should just save your wierdness for the strip. Better yet, maybe you just shouldn’t talk to people.

  6. Correction my good sir, YOU are the weirdo.
    I like the way you think though, that would be something I would do if I was bored or something.

  7. Still trying to claim you’re a prophet when you failed and had to alter the blog so as not to look like a weirdo looser? The sad part is you were in “We ruin coffee and make you think real coffee is worse than our terrible coffee,” oops sorry I mean Starbucks, and were wasting time staring at the ceiling.

  8. i guess he was upset he would be too large to fit through the panels, and would float up into space. i would hate to see his reaction if you had told him you predict the future. it would be even more worrisome.

  9. After all that, you should have told him you’re a famous cartoonist whose strip is in (however many) papers. I bet he totally would have believed you.

  10. Your first mistake was wandering into America’s favorite purveyor of burnt offerings mixed with toxic waste water. For shame.

  11. Fg = G(m1*m2)/d^2

    Remember this, and then maybe you will realize that gravity CANNOT be turned off.

    Unless there was some random cataclysmic event causing the Universe to expand and rip itself, causing gravity to split into a new force just like the superforce did in the first milliseconds in the life of the Universe creating gravity, electromagnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces to be created. (Yes, I am a nerd. A Pearls-loving, science buff, gay nerd.) It might actually be possible, though, so who knows; you might be in Starbucks talking to chubby again when it happens.😉

  12. Stephan,

    I like you because we could be related, we think so similarly. It is comforting to know that there are others like me who have made it this far without being committed.

  13. Oh, YOU were that guy holding up the line, staring into space for twenty minutes? Geez, pal, at least get your coffee and sit down, first.

  14. Perhaps a report on ceilings around the world and their suitability to negative gravity is in order? My local WH Smith stationers in Dorchester, UK has styrofoam squares, and would not take the weight of a small boy.
    Totally inappropriate!
    I’ve spoken to the manager, and he’s going to look into it

  15. Gravity can TOO be turned off. If the Earth were to be dropped from a very great height, or made to spin fast enough, or suspended in a huge jar of honey, or flown in a very big plane in a parabolic path.

    But Starbucks… bleagh…

  16. I find myself staring at all of the compact discs Starbucks tries to sell at the counter to impulse buyers. Never once have I said to myself (or the person in line behind me) “What is that fascinating music they’re playing? Freedom Rock? Zamphir? William Shatner? Can I purchase this same random sound pastiche at the counter?” I’ve been shoved and beckoned forward, because I can’t help but stand and wonder where all the disc packages go. Sorry, long comment. ‘Enjoyed the post!

  17. Interesting, but i just wanted a coffee and a danish;-) And you were mumbling something about gravity. What? You frightened me.

  18. I always thought the most terrifying place to be without gravity would be the stacks at my library. All those hardcover books and panels from the plate glass floor, all hurtling around! Scary.

  19. Here’s how bad the weirdo situation is in my northern cali village…. going to get my mail at the downtown PO late one night, the place wreaked of the smell of urine. I walked in and there were 3 homeless men “camped out” in the PO. Two asleep, one awake. I had to step over him to get to my box. I looked to see if he was awake and he looked up right at me from his “bed” of a cardboard palette and his coat. I was moved with compassion and tried to tell him about the various homeless shelters and food banks in town which are numerous. Before I could finish my sentence he came up off the floor in one swift movement and came at me.

    I had to literally flee the PO, get in my car, lock the doors and call 9-11. They arrived luckily right away. I have always had compassion for the homeless, but my new attitude is a silent and clearly defined distance of about 20 yards at least.

    Chase

    http://2012poleshift.wordpress.com

  20. lol. Brilliant story. Glad I found this post on the front page of WordPress.

    The guy behind you probably thought,”Was that Stephen Hawking? I didn’t recognize him without his glasses on.”

  21. don’t worry Guy, people tell me that i often are concerned when they catch me staring blankly at a wall, they just don’t understand the rich inner life i lead.

  22. Pingback: That is all. « Blonde Moments

  23. I like your musing a lot. If the earth’s gravitational pull went on the blink, I wouldn’t be able to break up with someone by saying, “You’re a good driver and well-mannered, and I’m really attracted to you, but it’s only in a gravitational sort of way. Sorry.”

  24. There’s at least one of you in every line.

    Starbucks has a drive-through in my town. That could save your a lot of valuable time looking up, but might be less productive in the long run.

  25. HA HA HA I hate that! People who are so serious in line, what is that?! Are they testifying their order? Are they going to be charged? Woah, dream on you dreamer! I would totally hang by the rafters and sing and kick my shoes off to people down below that are rude and talk loud on the phone in line. Do I need to be in your life right now? Great post!

  26. I for one don’t think you’re weird. I like people that have random things to tell you and that too for free but some people don’t appreciate these cool and random fact which could one day save their life.

  27. Oh you’re funny! I think it is what you said that was quite out of the blue that was weird and made the guy look at you like your not human.

    Your thoughts of the Earth’s gravitational pull is amusing.

    I’m gonna look around.

  28. If you really want something to blog about, check out the book ‘A short history of nearly everything,’ by Bill Bryson.
    Extract:
    If you are a robust averaged sized adult, and because of E= MC2, you have enough potential energy in your body to explode with the force of thirty very large hydrogen bombs, if you knew how to liberate it.
    Then you’d not need to write or read any more blogs, and could enjoy 72 virgins, (one assumes ).

  29. maybe he was waiting to see if the earth lost its gravitational pull on you, and for you to float to the ceiling, and get stuck up there.

  30. A favorite game I like to play is:
    In a crowded outdoor space Get a group of accomplices
    Everyone,stare & point up into the sky
    Act real excited (fear is good)
    The crowd will most likely look up too because monkeys always look.

  31. Regarding cravensworld’s game, it’s a sociological phenomenon. People want to fit in, so when enough people are doing something, others will join.

    Sometimes, all you need is two people to do something. If passersby don’t join in, they’ll at least stop and try to figure out what you’re doing. A friend and I once looked up at the sky and everyone that walked by looked up too.

  32. He’s the weird one all right. It’s normal to be apprehensive about standing under sharp things that could impale you. What if there was an earthquake and the rods jogged loose, or the whole ceiling collapsed and you were all trapped under there like some Tombraider inspired booby trap? You should make a complaint to Starbucks.

  33. I never tell the guys at Starbucks my real name…
    I make one up..

    I use Bob alot, or if I’m feeling formal..Robert..

    I used Satan once, and then told them the coffee was cold..

    Or Susan, then you look at them with that I’m wearing women’s underware look….

    No one will mess with you..

  34. Pingback: love in a weirdo « love in other places

  35. @Phiip, my friend and I weren’t looking at anything in particular. Whatever clouds were rolling by…I think we pointed up at some nondescript point in the sky too…just for kicks.

  36. OMG I was the one who emailed him about that super bowl thing at the time. Lol i didn’t think it would end up in his blog. that’s great.

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