No Boat; Honeymoon of the Damned, Part Four

It is the summer of 1993.  I am in Athens on my honeymoon with my lovely bride.

Who is crying in a travel agency.

She is crying because she has been trying to get us two flights home so we can cut our honeymoon short.  But she has just found out that changing the flights costs a lot of money.  Which we don’t have.

So we are stuck in Greece.

Tip No. 14 About Honeymoons:   It is  bad when they feel like hostage situations.

So I call an audible.  I tell her we’re going to Santorini.  It’s got beaches, beer and gyros.

She agrees.  Well, she doesn’t say no.  Mostly because she can’t hear me over all that crying.

So I take advantage of the situation by buying us two boat tickets to Santorini.  And they’re cheap.

How cheap?

So cheap the boat doesn’t show.

Travel Tip No. 22:   Boat trips are harder without the boat.

So we are sitting at the port of Piraeus and we are waiting for a boat.  Hours pass.  It is hot.

Staci sees a Greek man in a sailor outfit.  He is smoking a cigarette.  Staci approaches him, and in her best uptight Americanese, says this:

“Excuse me, but we were supposed to be on the 10 a.m. boat to Santorini, and it’s 1:05  now and we’re wondering what time the boat will be here because we would like to get to Santorini as soon possible.”

The man turns his back, takes one last drag on his stubby cigarette and tosses it in the sea.  Then he turns back to face her.

“No boat,” he says.

It is poetic, really.

‘Cause what else do you need to know?

There’s no boat.  You can “blah blah blah” all afternoon, but the situation is this:

There’s no boat.

I come to realize that it’s really the answer for almost any question you have in your unhappy life.

No boat.

I’d say it’s almost existentialist, if I knew what existentialist meant.

So we sat and waited.  And over the succeeding hours many Greek people showed up at the dock, which told us that at least some boat would be showing up and it would be going somewhere.  Which was better than here.

But we had a problem.

Despite our being the first people at the dock, there were now some people trying to stand between us and the edge of the water.  And here is where I will give you a travel tip straight from the good people of Mediterranean Europe about Americans and their love of orderly lines :

We mock your orderly lines.

In fact, if you have extra time, look up “line” in a Greek dictionary.  I did.  Here is a loose translation:

Place where big group of people shove each other.

And that, my friends, was all that my crying American bride needed.  Because now she was a proverbial camel.  And someone was about to put one straw too many on her proverbial back.

And that someone was a Greek man in an undershirt.

Who made the mistake of cutting right in front of her.

Causing her to do what any reasonable American tourist would do in that situation.

She kicked him in the back.

Oh, it’s on, my Greek friend.  It’s on.

28 thoughts on “No Boat; Honeymoon of the Damned, Part Four

  1. I’m envisioning the kick to somewhat resemble Rat and Pig in the banner up top.

    Aaa, I laugh! These stories bring a certain sense of schadenfreude to me, hmm….

  2. I’d like to propose equal time for your wife (probably long-suffering) to give HER version of the events.

  3. This is Zarion Kreena again. I liked today’s Pearls strip. I love the image of Snuffles the kitty carrying a hand grenade. I have all of your Pearls treasuries, unless one just came out after Pearls Sells Out. Can you leave a comment on my blog?

  4. Wow, you sure have been busy here the last couple of weeks! Reading about your adventures in Greece & Italy…I don’t think I ever want to vacation there now (well, without an organized, guided tour, anyways)! 😦

  5. So Stephan, why didn’t your greek origins come to help?
    Moreover, you should now get angry to greek people too 😀 In Italy the boat cames whenever they want…but at least came!
    As for the queues…phhhft…that’s newbies stuff! Why didn’t your guide told you?

    I’m rally enjoying the tales anyway, I’ve been to greece and I’m from Italy so…feels kinds home!

  6. I’m betting he was a big man who doesn’t take kindly to being kicked in the back and goes after the husband first.

  7. “Honeymoon of the Damned” is definitely better than any rom-com of the past 5 years, sort of a European “Out-Of-Towners”. I see Zach Galifinakis playing you, of course, but who plays your long-suffering wife?

  8. You owe her another honeymoon (and/or a huge diamond ring), and maybe flash a smile to compensate.
    -Avid reader

  9. Tip 102999995 (the years after the honeymoon of the dammed tip).

    When you’ve chosen your girlfriend over a kitty with a serious criminal record, don’t give the kitty hand grenades and a helipack.

    I say once again, this current series is comics gold!

  10. I have this feeling that Stephan convinced his wife they didn’t need a travel agent and the best way to see Europe was to wing it. Has Staci forgiven you yet?

  11. Last night I had to young guys stop my house to try to sell me magazines so they could go on a trip to Germany. They asked if I could go anywhere in the world, where would I go. I told them Colorado. I also informed them that I do not travel overseas because I don’t trust other countries (i.e. the people). It appears that without knowing it, I have served myself well to stay away from any and all foreign countries where smelly men try to take my place in line. Go Staci!!!

    P.S. – I didn’t buy any magazines.

  12. Somehow I don’t think that I will ever be contemplating annoying Staci – not unless I suddenly develop an overwhelming death wish.

  13. please stop posting these, they just get worse and worse….

    But they make me feel like my life rocks compared to your 1993 life.

    Really, these are hilarious, keep posting them

  14. And to think, she’s stayed with you all these years.

    Oh, these are hilarious, Stephan! I can’t wait for the next installment!

  15. I’m reminded instantly of the scene in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” when Kate Hudson and Matthew McConahuey are in the theater watching Sleepless in Seattle, and the fat guy behind them keeps telling them to shut up, and Kate turns around and says “I’ll have my boyfriend come back there and pummel your ass!” and the next thing you know Matt’s on the floor in the lobby with a bloody nose.


    Stephen, you’re about to get whacked by a fat Greek guy.

  16. Main Entry: 1ex·is·ten·tial·ist
    Pronunciation: \-list\
    Function: noun
    Date: 1942
    : an adherent of existentialism

    Main Entry: ex·is·ten·tial·ism
    Pronunciation: \-ˈten(t)-shə-ˌli-zəm\
    Function: noun
    Date: 1941
    : a chiefly 20th century philosophical movement embracing diverse doctrines but centering on analysis of individual existence in an unfathomable universe and the plight of the individual who must assume ultimate responsibility for acts of free will without any certain knowledge of what is right or wrong or good or bad

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