I Digress for One Quick Thought of the Day

I’ve been watching the NFL playoffs. Which means watching truck ads.

Why do all these trucks have to have tough, outdoorsy names?

It’s all so redundant. There’s the “Ranger”, the “Tundra”, the “Yukon”, the “Silverado”, and my favorite, the “Avalanche”. Because nothing says tough quite like a natural disaster. Then there’s the “Dodge Ram,” which the deep-voiced announcer says is “RAM TOUGH!”

If any of these companies really want their truck to stand out in a crowded marketplace, why don’t they call it the “Snuggler”, or the “Fluffer”, or if they really need to conjure up the outdoors, the “Fairy Utopia”?

What about just calling one “Barbra”? Or the “Dancing Queen”? Or the “Mani-Pedi”? Or, if we can use a verb, the “Let’s Dish.”

Or what about only naming trucks after Emily and Charlotte Bronte novels? Like the “Jane Eyre.” Or the “Wuthering Heights”?

Or better yet, what about just naming them after women’s sexual aids? We could have “The Tickler”, the “Magic Wand” and the “Aqua Rabbit”.

And if they want, they can still use the same announcer with the deep voice. With only slightly modified slogans.

“The Dodge Aqua Rabbit….It’s AQUA RABBIT TOUGH.”

I really should have been in marketing.

33 thoughts on “I Digress for One Quick Thought of the Day

  1. “Barbra”, or “Babs”, would be good be a good name for a truck. But it would need a HUGE hood, hood ornament or even just a really annoying horn sound.

  2. those names may sound cool. Only a very few guys who can dance and have high fashion standards will look at those trucks.

  3. Well, vehicles aught to have female names, so while the model names of the trucks are stupidly masculine, I’m sure there’s a few “Barbs” and “Janes” out there.

    Also, you seem to know the names of a lot of women’s sexual aids. Just saying…

  4. OMG I was laughing so hard….I was thinking of my “toys” and those would be funny as names for trucks!!!! I love how your mind works!

  5. You are truly an unrecognized genius. I can only imagine the success you would have had in advertising.

  6. hahahahahaha! the trucks would be more appealing to girls, but WAAAAAAY less appealing to the country boy.

  7. I do some marketing. Personally I think if you’re going to go masculine you should go all the way. Like (in Thomas Haden Church voice) “introuducing the 2012 Ford Sack. With three miles to the gallon, and redefining fuel injected, it just sprays out gasoline along both sides if the cab, setting everything on fire around it as you drive. That that you Prius!”

    As for the The Dodge Aqua Rabbit, I can see it now… Suzanne Vega does the song for the commercial… lots of country fields, and the brake petal giggles a little bit when you press down on it. Who wouldn’t want to drive that?

  8. Anytime I see a Dodge Ram, I think, “Should I dodge, or should I ram?”

    Fail in marketing: The Edsel was almost called the “Mongoose Civique.” Ford had hired poet Marianne Moore to come up with a catchy name for its new car line.

  9. Silently, I lower my head and begin to sob as I lose a small tiny bit of faith in the world.

  10. I’ve always thought this whole big nasty truck fetish had a strongly homo-erotic air. I think, being heterosexual, that’s why trucks have never interested me. On the other hand, what you propose may be a bit too close to the truth for those who are uncomfortable with what’s really going on.

  11. If you called it the “Heathcliff”, that might actually work. He was quite evil, emotionally unstable, and really strong.

  12. I’ve always liked how trucks are named after places in the West – Santa Fe, Tucson, Cheyenne, Sierra, Durango. I’ve been waiting for the day that there’s just one place name left: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. That’s the truck I’ll buy.

  13. I, uh, had to Google “Aqua Rabbit”. Interesting. Women get the short stick on a lot of stuff, but they get way better sex toys. But we got trucks…

  14. Stephan, trust me “Fairy Utopia” would not go over very well her in East Texas. If you did buy one with that name, you might as well get the trailer hitch attachment, cause that is what the good old boys will tie the end of the rope to to hang you with

  15. I second “Wuthering Heights” (maybe “Withering Heights”) and “Healthcliff” (proposed by Emily – ha!).

    Speaking of digressions, I do like those Brontes, but I reread “Wuthering Heights” when I was an adult, and I was taken aback. Don’t quote me English majors out there (and I reread it late at night instead of reading my legal casebook), but as I recall the lady in the novel (her name eludes me) is in love with Heathcliff — her brother! He was adopted (maybe not formally, but taken in by the family), but still … I just couldn’t get over my modern standards and didn’t find the book quite as riveting as I thought I would.

  16. I hear there may be an opening at NBC. Of course your humor would only be appropriate for late,late, late night.

  17. There’s always the ‘Hummer.’
    The owners never like it when you bring up the connotations to the vehicle name, though.

  18. A collision between a Hummer, a Dodge Ram and a Fluffer could cause some real problems. Especially if the Ram rear-ended….never mind..

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