Please Don’t Squeeze the Aphrodite

I saw an amazingly beautiful woman in the grocery store.

She was tall and thin with long blonde hair and high cheek bones.  She looked like someone Hollywood would cast as Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love.  She even had a certain aura about her, like she knew she was Aphrodite.

That’s when I looked in her grocery cart.

And saw the package of toilet paper.

And something inside me died.

Yes, I know.  Everyone does it.

But I wanted to think she was above it.

And that wasn’t even the worst part.

The worst part was this:

It was a 24-pack.

And no, she had no ring.  So she had no husband.  And probably no kids.

It was all for her.

My Aphrodite.

The one with bowels.

39 thoughts on “Please Don’t Squeeze the Aphrodite

  1. I couldn’t agree more.
    Worse than that; Hot woman, no ring, baby food, diapers.
    That’s a dealbreaker!

  2. Stephan, look on the bright side. Obviously she is financially savvy because she buys in bulk. And maybe she only needs to buy two or three of those things a year.

  3. What’s worse is the thought that she might be a bulemic, hence the need for mass quantities of TP…

  4. Since it is the Christmas season, I think you can safely say that she could have been buying it to donate to a needy family.

    Fantasy restored!

  5. I think you overlooked the possibility that she is a kindred spirit, one that shares your off-beat sense of humor. Maybe she was going to use the toilet paper to wrap presents. Oh, wait. This thought has the potential of going down the wrong road.

  6. Sounds to me like she has a fun night of TP-ing someones house in mind. Everyone knows that girls don’t poop.

  7. Is that why we never play “Patty Cake” anymore? Because you saw me come home from shopping with that multi-pack of double rolls of TP???

  8. You men try to hold women to these impossible standards while we put up with your farts, balding, and beer bellies.

  9. @ kmac – What are you TALKING about? Balding? Beer bellies? I look EXACTLY the same at 42 as I did at 21. Maybe better. Just…filled out a little. Yep, that’s it.

  10. Don’t be silly. Of course she doesn’t poop. Remember that we women have to wipe after we pee.

  11. I once heard a wise man say “Show me the hottest woman on the planet, and I’ll show you a man who is sick of her bullshit”. For some reason, this post made me think of that.

  12. You’re a lucky man: You’ve come face to face with a Tissue Fetishist and survived. Oh, woe to he who marries such a woman…you will endure a lifetime of plumbing bills (and the inevitable plumber’s crack) thanks to clogged bowls filled with yard after yard of toilet paper. Tissue Fetishists wrap coils of paper around their hands to wipe their nether regions after doing “their business,” and often there is not a plunger in the world that can free your engorged pipes.

  13. This reminds me of a Jonathon Swift poem I came across in college years ago called “The Lady’s Dressing Room.” In the poem, a man named Strephon (hmmm… coincidence?) makes the mistake of sneaking into his beloved Celia’s room to see all of what it takes to make her beautiful – including her potty. He runs away crying, “Celia, Celia, Celia sh*ts!” One of the most memorable lines of poetry anywhere. Check it out at

  14. Hahaha! I think she was just buying in bulk so there would be less trips to the market or wherever. We do that here!

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