Please Don’t Feed the Staci Bear

My wife Staci gave me a load of clothes to wash.

She told me to click the “heavy load” button and the “normal colors” button and then pull the little knob out.  As you might tell from the directions, this task did not lie comfortably in my wheelhouse.

Against all odds, the clothes got washed.  She thanked me.

It was a grand success.

That was about six months ago.

Since that fateful day, she has asked me to do it repeatedly.

She no longer thanks me.

Now, the only time I hear from her is if I don’t do it.  Then she gets mad at me.

I conclude from this that when favors are born, they are cute and small and everyone loves them.  Then time passes, and like a group of maturing salmon, they morph into hideously deformed adults called “expectations.”   This is a land where only bad things can happen.  Namely, you die from old age or a bear eats you.

My bear is named Staci.

Like all bears, she can run fast, swim and climb trees, so there is no escaping her.

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson from this:

Never help your spouse.

It’s like feeding the bears.

And it will not end well.

36 thoughts on “Please Don’t Feed the Staci Bear

  1. NOW YOU KNOW HOW SHE FEELS! doing all this stuff for years without recognition or thanks! GO STACI! and…well…you rock stephan…

  2. I have to send this to my husband. It’s a bit different in our house – he takes on things and works hard to “convince” me that I am incapable of doing them as well as he does and then complains that I don’t do said activity any more. I am “incapable” of loading and running the dishwasher, vacuuming or mopping floors, making salmon burgers or pasta and a variety of other tasks. Fortunately for him I am highly capable of doing the laundry and have ZERO interest in him taking it over. I value my clothes too much! Ruin one item and you will be free!!

  3. Too bad you couldn’t have gotten this post to Tiger Woods a few days ago. Could have saved us all a lot of annoyance.

  4. Do you ever give Staci the “Larry the croc” treatment? I can easily see you calling her “Woomun” and then proceed to say something really lame to her, and her rightfully getting exasperated (to say the least) with you! >__< *giggles*

    Go, Staci-bear!! \m/ 😀 \m/

  5. The key is to do the task WRONG the first time, then there are no expectations for the future. When the kids were much younger I was left home with the baby one day. When my wife came home, I said “don’t worry it’s not as bad as it looks.” Best way ever to set low expectations.

  6. Next time, through her favorite item of clothing that says “dry clean only” in with the cloths you wash on hot… problem solved. You will never be allowed to do the washing again.

  7. Boy dude, you really don’t value your life, do you? I will wait for the headline in the paper that reads “Staci Bear Eats Ungrateful Husband For Dinner” :0)

  8. My Grandmother taught me many years ago “don’t ever do any chore right or else you will be stuck doing it forever”

  9. Like many of those ahead of me I wonder why you don’t utilize the lowest level of competence method of getting out of chores…
    Do it good enough to say you did it, not good enough to get asked to do it again. A tricky calculation at first, but after a while it becomes second nature.

  10. Frankly, I don’t think salmon lose a great deal of cuteness as they age. They’re just about as cute as I expect a fish to be.

  11. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan – except my wife still has me do the laundry, and just brings up the clothes I ruined whenever she needs me to feel a little extra guilty or stupid.

  12. Oh my gosh, you are hilarious. I want to show this to my husband since it is so funny, but I don’t want to show it to him because he’ll agree. what a dilemma.

  13. Please tell me why you’re still married. And while you’re at it, how you got married in the first place.

  14. Red sock with the whites didn’t get you out of it? That’s easy; just up the ante. Two words: Family pet. When the whites come out all red, it’ll take on a whole new meaning …

  15. A better question is do you have to dry and fold the clothes once they are done? If not, then you have it made. Putting stuff in the washer is the easy part, it is the drying, folding and putting them away that is the work. I would take a different approach, embrace the washing and make it seem like you are are the best at it. This way you can claim you are too tired to do anything else since washing took so much out of you.

  16. My husband just happens to be doing laundry today. I’ll be sure to thank him with a beer.

  17. Pingback: From Stephan Pastis… | The Fry Side

  18. Does Staci read your blog? If so, I bet you’ll be sleeping on the couch for a while or be checking out the wallpaper on the interior of the dog house.

  19. Damn, Why didn’t you tell me this 7 years ago before i got married …and when does the staci bear make a appearance in the cartoon ?

  20. Stephan, normally I luv ya, but you really dropped the ball on this. I wonder when was the last time YOU thanked Staci profusely for all the things I bet SHE does; cleaning, cooking, sending Christmas card, keeping up dr. appointments for the kids and pets, etc. etc. I know you mean this as a joke, but seriously one of the biggest resentments women harbor toward their men are the fact that they don’t realize every able-bodied person in the household are responsible for chores.

  21. “Like all bears, she can run fast, swim and climb trees, so there is no escaping her.”

    Like all wives I’m sure she can read too. You are so screwed. I have a feeling you will be moving in with Rat & Pig in the near future. LOL!!!

  22. When we first got married, our second-hand drier died. So I did what I was raised to do – go inside and see if I could fix it. My wife was very dubious because she was raised in a setting where little girls didn’t handle tools and it was hard for her to grasp that you can look at something new to you, figure it out, and fix it. A couple of years later she came home with a recliner she’d picked up off a curb. When the owner said it was broken she said “That’s OK – my husband can fix anything.” My advice to handy newlyweds of either gender: when your less handy Significant Other asks you to hang a picture, nail your finger to the wall. It will hurt like h— but you have no idea how much trouble it will save you in the long run.

  23. Words of wisdom from Calvin & Hobbes: If you do something badly enough the first time, you won’t be asked to do it again. 🙂

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