From the Frontlines of My Gym

I am at the gym.  I am on the vertical bench press machine.

The guy next to me is grunting with each rep.

It is a very loud grunt.

Why does he have to grunt?

He also smells.

I want to tell him to stop grunting and to stop smelling, but he is very large.

I am going to stop writing now because if he sees my iPhone screen, I am dead.

 

18 thoughts on “From the Frontlines of My Gym

  1. Hey, you’ve got to give the guy credit for going there and exercising. That’s something not a lot of very large people feel comfortable doing.

  2. ohhh how similar to my gym… they’re usually also wearing spandex shorts or the shirts with armholes cut so low they dont really qualify as body covering. these are undesirable sights…

  3. Of course, if you die at the hands of a very large, smelly, grunting man at the gym, it would validate your last post in which you promised to die in order to make signed Pearls books more valuable. It doesn’t really help those of us who haven’t yet gotten one because you haven’t come down to San Diego to sign books, but at least we’ll know you’re a man of your word.

  4. I don’t get the grunting, either. It also bothers me when tennis players grunt with every hit. What’s up with that?

  5. it’s that same guy you saw in the mirror last trip to the gym isn’t it?!? I can’t believe even you would try this hacky bit!🙂

  6. He’s grunting because he’s lifting some real weight. Pansy. What are you doing at the gym? Oh yeah… blogging. Shut up and bench, Pastis!

  7. Well, usually you can distract and repel beefcakes in some way or other. To distract… just throw a canister of powdered protien supplement to the far side of the gym… all beefcakes in the area will be immediately drawn to it, and go after it like a pack of Australian shepherds after a frisbee.

    Of course.. you can always repel them by conversation. Just strike up a dialogue about any world issue… Israel/Palestine… Climate Change… anything that requires some use of grey matter, and they’ll flee like cockroaches exposed to light.

    Just take a deep breath and say: “Hi… so did you listen to NPR this morning? I heard this really riveting story about…” And you’ll notice only fading roadrunner clouds.

  8. Is he a big hot stud like you are? *giggles* I triple-dog dare you to fling him a stick of Degree anti-perspirant next time you see him.

    Are you getting ideas for some c. strips based upon your recent gym experiences?

  9. Ted, my guess is that “Stephan” (note that it’s not Stephen with an E) is pronounced “Steffan” and “Steph” is pronounced “Steff.”)

    I had a high school friend who was unfortunate enough to be named Stephan (called Steph) at the time “Pretty in Pink” was popular among our age group (the villain is named Steph).

    I hope Pastis will correct me if I’m wrong.

  10. Tip, if the guy is big and smells, check out how much he’s pressing when he’s grunting that loudly. If you can bench press twice as much before you start grunting like that, don’t fear the big, sweaty guy unless he’s carrying a baseball bat, knife, or a gun. Unless, of course, he’s big enough to crush you by sitting on you.

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