Because One Day I Will Die

Years ago, investment advisers told everyone to put their money in real estate.  That didn’t work out.

Then they told everyone to put their money in stocks.  That didn’t work out either.

So I have a new alternative.


That’s right.  Buy books signed by Stephan Pastis and when I die, you’ll be rich.

And rest assured, I will die.  That is my guarantee to you.

And that is why I today I went to THIS bookstore and THIS bookstore and signed books, so that you, the fan, can retire comfortably.  They will even ship them.  And if those bookstores run out, there should still be some at THIS bookstore.

Even better, I have drawn a character in each book.  Granted, I drew them quickly, but so did Picasso when he drew those doves.

So buy them as holiday gifts.  And on the card write, “Now hold on to this, because one day he will die.  Merry Christmas!”

And Merry Christmas to you.

30 thoughts on “Because One Day I Will Die

  1. Did you sign PBS books? Or other books like Gone with the Wind, or the Bible or the dictionary? 😉

  2. Just called the Santa Rosa Barnes & Noble. The girl that answered the phone (Kelcey) said that they CANNOT ship author-signed books — they ship from the warehouse, not the store.

    I want a signed book, and I want one with Rat drawn in it. But I can’t order one and get it delivered to Cleveland, Ohio.


  3. Oh. Nice! Thank you!

    Stephan, I was looking for one that has Rat (drawn by you) in it. That was the more specific question I had, but never had the chance to ask. I wanted to get it for my wife for Christmas.

    I turned my wife on to Pearls a few months ago. It took me a while. She’s picky. But after she read a few, she was hooked. She is the Managing Editor of this paper, which does not carry Pearls (but its sister paper does!).

    Anyway… we have all the plush… they live in an “end o’ the World Box” next to our bed (I’ll post a pic on Facebook tonight!), and I thought the book would be a great gift for her…

    Thanks again…

  4. They’re reporting that they’re now out in Santa Rosa. Apparently, Stephan is much beloved in Santa Rosa. However, they said that they expected Stephan’s return to sign more at a future date and took my phone number. I asked for several copies because nothing makes a more heartwarming holiday gift than Pearls Before Swine.

  5. Awesome! I just ordered a signed “The Sopratos” from B&N. First time I’ve called one of these stores and was successful in getting a book! They’re usually gone by the time I read your posting.

    Now, I need to get a Wall Street Journal subscription and watch the value of the book go up! I smell an early retirement!

    In all seriousness, thanks Stephan – this is too cool.

  6. I GOT TWO!!! 😀
    From the Copperfield’s Books, very nice people and the girl there, Amanda, said they had a TON of calls and all 3 were sold out of “Pearls Sells Out” so, they lived up to the name but in a better term, lol! ;P
    I got one with Rat and one with Pig but Thank You so much for taking the time to sign them, I really appreciate it! 🙂

  7. I just called the Santa Rosa B&N and they took my name and number for the “new” book when it comes in. I confirmed that Stephan should be signing them, at least until his hand cramps up.

  8. Drive further! Go to the Border’s in Vacaville and sign stuff. I’ll totally buy it then. More than one thing, even. I pinky swear.




  10. Since you were exposed to all that heat in Iraq, you should come out to Lincoln, NE this winter. Help balance the type of temperatures you are exposed to this year. I suggest you wait till you hear that we were hit with a decent snow and the highs for the day will be in the single digits. That should counter your heat exposure. 🙂

  11. While I often use your blog as a forum to sing the praises of Calvin & Hobbes and Bill Watterson, I really must commend you for being so much more down to earth and accessible. I can understand Watterson’s stance on a lot of things, but sometimes I think he needs a nudge from Hobbes.

    But if you sign any books in Baltimore, I’ll be sure to buy one for my son (or my mom)!

  12. okay, how popular are you? I’m on the phone w/Borders, and when they first picked up I told them that I was looking for a particular book signed by the author (vague, I know, but trying to get them in the right frame of mind for searching through their bookstacks) anyways, the first word out of his mouth was “Oh, Pastis?”. I was laughing hysterically in my head as I calmly confirmed his correct answer. After he handed me off to a very informative salesgirl, she actually read me off all the titles and pics you drew! I’m so excited, reading from Hawaii I have no way to get these signed copies unless a helpful salesperson is actually willing to work w/me over the phone. This salesgirl rocks and i’m so stoked! Thanks for doing your part to make your fans happy while simultaneously stimulating the economy, rock on!

  13. I Live in San Jose , which is just south of San Francisco, which is just south of Santa Rosa.
    I would like a signed Pearls book, it would be really neat. I just dont want to drive all the way up to Santa Rosa to purchase one. I feel , as the artist it is your duty to come to San Jose and sign some books.
    Get Crackin’ amigo…

  14. PS- while you are at it , sign one of the books as follows- To Ron, I envy every fiber of your being, you are an inspiration to me , even though we have never met..
    Eternally Envious of you,

  15. Hey pastis, send me some of your books and I’ll sign them for you. As a fellow published cartoonist, I think that’s the least I could do for you. In return, I’ll send you copies of the now defunct, Northwest Comic News with my toon in them for you to sign.

    Now I don’t know why NW Comic News is now defunct, but please, spare me the heart ache of making me think it was because of MY cartoons.

  16. And as long as you’re driving all the way to Lincoln and Petaluma and Vacaville and Baltimore, you may as well stop in San Diego. There are bookstores here with Pearls books that are just begging for signatures. Really. I almost can’t walk down that aisle in the bookstore anymore because of all the plaintive wailing for autographs.

  17. How can we get signed books from you when we don’t live anywhere near California???? We want one really badly.

  18. My brother noticed in today’s comic ( the mugs switched when the perspective changed. When Rat and Pig are facing you, Rat has a red mug and Pig has a blue one. But when they have their backs to you, Pig has the red one and Rat has the blue one. We thought it was funny. Even thought it has nothing to do with books being signed.

  19. Dear Mr. Pastis,
    I would like to offer my sincere thanks on behalf of those of us who benefited from your generous gesture; you are a lot more like Pig than Rat, despite your claims to the contrary. Also, I would like to suggest that a different gesture is in order for those “fans” who apparently consider it too much trouble or expense to make a phone call and pay a few bucks more for shipping in order to get one of your signed books. I’m sure you know which gesture that would be.

  20. What an absolutely morbid post, but somehow it does not surprise me. Here’s to hoping you live a long and fruitful life!!! But here is something to ponder… I had been and continue to be a huge fan of the late Douglas Adams, for those of you who don’t know he is the author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, and I am very fortunate to have two books and a towel signed by him and I can tell you that their monetary value now is barley more then when I purchased them so many years ago. Their true value lies in knowing that I had the opportunity to have met Douglas once upon a time.

  21. Dear Mr Pastis,

    I have successfully crossed a Croc with Rat’s ego and, with the help of some alien cows, have surgically implanted into the resulting lifeform one of Guard Duck’s hidden arms caches. If you do not come up to Portland, Oregon, to sign books, I shall be forced to persuade this creature to become penpals with Pig.


    A Mad Scientist

  22. Hi Stephan,
    Are you planning to come up to the Seattle area for a signing? We are big readers up here and it is almost always dark and gloomy…just the way you like it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s