These Will Be The Greatest Calendars You Have Ever Owned. Guaranteed.*

They will make you more popular with women.**

They will make you more popular with men.***

They will ensure advancement in the workplace.****

They will make you smarter.*****

They will help you lose weight.******

They will help you live a happier, healthier, more productive life.*******

And men, they will even enlarge your you-know-what.********

All from two calendars.  All absolutely-guaranteed.*********

Can the calendar you bought last year make that guarantee?

I suspect not.

So buy the Jimi-Hendrix-inspired 2010 Pearls wall calendar HERE or at your local store.   It looks like this:


Or buy the 2010 Pearls desk calendar HERE.  It looks like this:


Don’t delay.  Act now.  Your life will never be the same.**********


*Probably not true, unless you’ve never owned any other calendar before.
**Not true either.
*** Total B.S.
**** A lie.
*****Another lie.
******Only if you stop all food intake after you buy the calendar.
********Not scientifically verified.  Just a hunch on my part.
*********I guarantee nothing except that after you buy these calendars, you will
own calendars.
**********Technically true, because you will be out the money you spent and I won’t
give it back to you.

I Take On the Weirdos, So You Don’t Have To

I was waiting at a stoplight this morning when a yellow Corvette pulled up alongside me.

I looked at the driver.  He was an older guy.  Bald.

I didn’t like him.

Something about his olderness combined with his baldiness and his Corvettedness just screamed “weirdo.”

So I put my car in park and revved the engine.

Which roared with all the screaming fury that one could expect of  a four-cylinder Honda Accord with a child seat in the back.

When the light turned green, I popped the engine into gear and beat him through the intersection.

Granted, I was the only one racing, but still, it felt good.

Eventually, he pulled up alongside me.

Then he just stared.

Not saying a single word.  Just silent.

Just like a weirdo.