B & B Bliss: The Conclusion.

With wasps everywhere, we had no choice but to run inside and shut the doors.  It’s odd but pool time can really be affected by 300 wasps.

With the doors closed, the 102 degree room was now even more comfortable.

We drank warm beer and stared at the walls.

Eventually, with nothing to do and nowhere to go, we went to bed.

That’s when we heard the scratching.

Above our head was what looked like a rain gutter.  It ran just below the ceiling around the entire perimeter of the room.  Inside it were Christmas lights, which you couldn’t turn off.

And there was something else inside it.

It was alive.

By the scratching sound, I assumed it was a mouse.

No, I thought again, it sounded heavier than a mouse.

A rat, I concluded.

I was not correct.

I know that because I stood on the bed and peered inside.

And there, just below my nose was a little creature with a wide open mouth showing me two rabies-dripping fangs.

Ah yes, a bat.

Being the brave person I am, I ran.

I found the owner of the house.

He was in the kitchen looking at internet porn.  That was a nice touch.

“Excuse me,” I said, not wanting to interrupt his enjoyment.

“What is it?” he said, not wanting to have his enjoyment interrupted.

“We have a fucking bat in our room.”

Fortunately, he was equipped for such an eventuality.  He grabbed a broom.

We walked to our room.

“Where is it?” he said.

“In your little rain gutter thingie,” I said, subtly using this opportunity to knock his Martha-Stewart-on-crack design sensibility.

He stood on our bed and looked down into the rain gutter.  As an added touch of class, he left his shoes on.

You know your life is bad when a stranger standing in his shoes on your pillow in the middle of the night is the least of your problems.

I was just glad that the erection he no doubt had while staring at internet porn was gone.

Because if there’s one thing worse than a stranger standing in his shoes on your pillow in the middle of the night looking for a bat, it’s a stranger standing in his shoes on your pillow in the middle of the night looking for a bat while he’s got an erection.

He raised his broom to scoot the bat out of the gutter.  The bat made sounds.  Bad sounds.

I’m not sure what the broom plan entailed, because in my Nostradamus-like mind, I thought it would just anger the bat and make him fly around the room looking for someone to bite.

It was at that moment that Mr. Smart Guy managed to hit the bat with the broom, which angered the bat and made him fly around the room looking for someone to bite.

I screamed like a small girl and ran into the communal hallway bathroom.  Staci stayed in the room and let the bat fly around her head, like she was suddenly Steve Irwin.  Knowing what happened to Steve Irwin, I stayed in the bathroom.

Eventually, I peered my head inside the room.  Just in time to see The Man With a Plan open the door to let out the creature from Alien.  That didn’t go well.

I say it didn’t go well because when he opened the door, the bat didn’t fly out.

No indeed.

A second bat flew in.

That was bad, because before the second bat, I’d say we had a 50/50 chance of dying of rabies.  Now we had a 100% chance.  On the rabies-roulette-wheel-of-life, we had now bet the black, the red, and even those two little green spaces.

I ran back into the bathroom.

Crouched in the fetal position behind the bathroom door, I heard Staci say, “Oh, he’s tiny.  Look at him.”  Staci, suddenly Grizzly Adams mixed with Jacque Cousteau, was tossing out zoological opinions left and right.  “That must be the bat’s child,” she opined.  “They must have been separated.”

I was a little concerned for her.  Though not super concerned, because I wasn’t leaving the bathroom.

I rationalized it.  “Rabies is bad. But she did pick the place.”

Eventually, mother and child bat flew out the door.

“They’re gone, Stephan,” said Staci.

I went back inside the room.  It was here that I waited to hear the magic words from the genius fat guy standing on my bed, “I’m so sorry.  Your room is free.”

He opened his mouth.

“Better keep your doors closed,” said Einstein.

Staci went back to bed.  I sat in a chair waiting for locust.  It was the only biblical curse we had not yet seen.

In the morning, there was a knock on the door.  Locust don’t knock, so I opened it.

It was Einstein’s wife.  She had a bottle of wine.

“I heard about your adventure last night and wanted to give you this.”

I wanted to hurl the bottle through the window and jump out after it like the Chief at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

“It’s fine,” said Staci, “It was just a bat,” exonerating Ms. I Almost Gave You Rabies for an $8 bottle of wine.

Now I wanted to hurl the bottle and Staci out the window.

As it was, I kept her.  A decision I sometimes question.

I did get some revenge by reviewing the place on one of those internet travel sites.  Under “cons,” I listed the heat, the wasps, the bat and the owner who liked his internet porn.

The “pros” section I kept brief.  Three short words which I thought were both fair and accurate.

“Did not die.”

44 thoughts on “B & B Bliss: The Conclusion.

  1. AMAZING ! This little shop of horrors will do well if you make the name public. He can do a Halloween Themed room without even having to change ANYTHING !

    Thank you Stephan, you make me cry !

  2. LOL! You know, we were thinking about heading for a B&B for a getaway! But after reading this series… 🙂

  3. It is always bad when “Did not die” is the only positive thing you can say about a place you stayed. I, for one, would have probably stayed in the bathroom all night (just in case)

  4. I laughed so hard at this, as I am sure you will too one day in the future.

    The VERY distant future.

  5. Excelent story. I will never stay at a bed and breakfast ever again. When my wife forced me, it was just some old fart’s house and his girlfriend kept trying to sell us pieces of wood with fake grass and trees glued to it. I LIKE HOTELS, DAMMIT! If I wanted to stay at some idiot’s house, I would stay home.


  6. A capital conclusion sir. You certainly have a keen talent for takeing people away from the every day drabness life offers and spice things up with a little excitment.

  7. My sister and her hubby stayed at a B&B famous for having a cat in every room. You know, for company! Them being cat lovers thought “cool!” Except these cats were kept confined until someone rented a room. They were so starved for affection that they continually meowed to be petted and continually rubbed up against them, plus insisted on rubbing all over them while in bed. This place was recently closed due to the bad economy. Hmmmmm….

  8. Stephan, this would be a WONDERFUL plot line for Rat and Farina if they ever got back together (minus the internet porn). Or for Pig and Pigita.

  9. Pros: Entertaining material to write about.
    Cons: Everything else.

    Poor you. Next time, fake illness.

  10. If I saw your “vacation” in a movie, I would have immediately dismissed it as way too far-fetched. I can’t believe that place is still in business!

  11. I will NEVER EVER give my wife a hard time because she booked us a room at Asilomar in Monterey that had no TV , last year for our anniversary…

  12. “He was in the kitchen looking at internet porn. That was a nice touch.”

    Where do I invoice you for the new computer, as I just spit beer all over my old one reading that line.

  13. This is invaluable ammunition that you can use for years against your wife.

    This sort of baggage doesn’t come cheap..

    This sort of thing will allow you to stay in an ice fishing hut on Lake Michigan for a week with only a couple of cases of light beer. (No indoor plumbing)

    or might let you walk down the streets in red light district in Amsterdam and look in the windows.

    It’s worth dinner at your local Hooters..

    You’re owed..

  14. hahahahahahahahahaha! If you want to discover something new about your wife, she probably stated all those facts to keep from running away, too, possibly beating you to get through the door. When I’m scared of an animal, I start to think Science, which makes it not so scary. Of course, it always helps to have someone in the room freaking out so that you can think, “I’m not going to act like that . . . yet.” HILARIOUS! sorry for laughing, but I . . . just . . . can’t . . . help it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  15. It’s good to know that for $300, my husband and I could spend the weekend a beautiful resort and casino close by where we live. King sized bed, pillow top mattress, high speed Internet, on-demand flat screen TV. And only half that $300 will go toward the room (unless we upgrade to a suite). The other half will buy dinner, drinks, and a few rounds at the slots. Did I mention the indoor pool? Ah, but then my blog would not be as entertaining 🙂

  16. Danial,

    Try searching on “bat wasp porn” instead.

    It won’t be more effective than searching “did not die,” but the results will be much more entertaining.

  17. Well if you had said there’s a bat fucking in my room he prolly woulda kept the erection… kinky feller!

  18. Relatively funny account of your trip, but your attitude just sucked so much from the very beginning that we were left rooting for a disastrous experience. $300 should get you a nice place in the wine country, B&B or otherwise — nothing like what you’ve described here, which makes one think the two of you are mildly retarded. And you come off angry and gay more than anything else, but other than that it was a worthwhile read.


  19. Well, I’m done now, since I laughed so hard that halfway through I had to get up to pee. I truly don’t know of a writer who makes me laugh harder sometimes…

  20. That is the funniest thing that I have read in forever!!! Oh my god! Dude in his shoes on your bed with an erection. Wife turned into Grizzly Adams and Jacques Cousteau with you in the fetal position(you are dating yourself with your references!) Proprietor’s wife buying you off with an $8 bottle of wine. Classic!!! This story will age much better than that bottle of wine. I hope that you will retell it in 10-15 years because it will be amazing then! It was worth all of the pain for the material that it provided!

  21. Oh, great. Now my apartment neighbors are *really* going to think I’m weird after listening to me cackle maniacally for several minutes while reading this entry. I should have at least turned on the TV, so they’d think I was watching Green Acres re-runs or something. Thanks a *lot*!

    PS Staci should definitely work on polishing her Australian accent. You *know* Bindi Irwin is going to push her luck too far with, say, a rabid bandicoot–hello, job opening! Crikey!

  22. Beautiful…I laughed so hard, but felt your pain! What a deal! Hope your next outing is more enjoyable!

  23. This is funny stuff. I’m glad it happened to you. Because if it didn’t, then it would happen to me.

    Oh, man! I am still laughing.

  24. When reading this post, all I could think about was rabies. Honestly, you might want to call your physician to see if your family should get the rabies shot. My doctor/sister had a bat in her house, and she and the kids all got the rabies vaccine afterwards. Sorry to be so serious! (I am also in Pastis’ former profession, but I don’t practice. I do have a sense of humor – really – but I’m also a mom and worrywart!)

  25. Stephan: Staci loves you so much that she was speaking zoologically to soothe you out of the bathroom. My late friend Anna was a Dominatrix of bat-killing, and contended that the best way to kill a bat was by using a tennis racquet and slapping the shit out of the bat until your arm tired or the bat died, whichever came first. Anna always won.
    As for the disgusting pervert with the erection who had the balls to stand on your pillow with his shoes on, I know Miss Manners would be shocked and horrified to learn that this twit actually qualified to run a bed and breakfast–with Halloween nigh, I think it probably should be called a “Bat and Breakfast,” but I digress. I agree with one of your earlier commentees, though, if it hadn’t happened to you and your lovely wife, it would have happened to me. Cheer up! At least you now have a whole bunch of guano you can write about, and you can drink really cheap hooch while churning it out. Also, the freak with the erection and the really bad bat problem may end with his own reality show, and you can sue for big bucks. Thanks for a huge laugh (with love, honey) for me. I ache for you both, but appreciate the laugh. Really.

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