My Wife’s Idea of a Vacation, or, The Horror, The Horror: Part I

Staci made me go to a Bed and Breakfast.

For those of you who think a Bed and Breakfast is a quaint little 19th century abode where you drink lemonade on the veranda, let me give you a more apt description of what it is:

Some shithead’s house.

If you want to know what the experience is like but perhaps can’t afford it, just walk across the street to your neighbor’s house, hand him $300 and sleep in one of his spare bedrooms.

If that isn’t evocative enough for you, consider this:  You share a bathroom.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my vacations filled with this thought: Did the fat guy across the hall wipe the toilet seat?

And none of this had to happen.

You see, Staci handed me the brochure for this place.  I scanned it with a skeptical eye, aware of Stephan’s Law of Hotel, Motel, and Bed and Breakfast Brochures, which is this:  Resorts are only 18% as good as the photos.

And that’s where we ran into our first problem with the Bed and Breakfast depicted in this brochure:

It looked like crap.

The Law of Hotel, Motel and Bed and Breakfast Brochures is not kind in these situations.  For it tells you the following:

You’re screwed.

We went anyways.   I can’t really explain that, except for the fact that Staci insisted on it.  I’m starting to think she’s writing a book on me, and just needs experiences to provide material.

Whenever I brought up the pitfalls, she always said the same thing:  “It will be really different.”

For those of you who think “different” is a neutral word evoking romantic adventure, let me say this:  You’re not smart.

“Different” is spouse-code for “bad.”  And “really different” translates to the type of adventure enjoyed by the men in “Deliverance.”

Which is why when we were driving up the hill to Staci’s choice of vacation destinations I began whistling the “Dueling Banjos” theme.

Staci didn’t appreciate that.  But I didn’t care.  Because on the drive up the hill, she ran afoul of yet another rule:  Stephan’s Law of $300 A Night Lodging.

Stephan’s Law of $300 A Night Lodging says this:

When you pay $300 a night to stay somewhere, you’ve earned a road.

And by “road”, I don’t mean a ten-foot wide chunk of dirt sloped to send you to your death.  Because if there’s one thing that’s sure to draw a low rating from me on Travelocity, it’s my own death.

All we needed was a little rain to turn that slope to unstable mud and you’d be reading “Classic Pearls Before Swine.”

Little did I know the road would not kill me.  No, this Bed and Breakfast would spare me that.  For it had a death in store for me that was slower and more painful.

And best of all, more creative.

Which is what you’d expect when you’re paying $300 a night.

That story to come.

31 thoughts on “My Wife’s Idea of a Vacation, or, The Horror, The Horror: Part I

  1. If I have to wait more than 24 hrs for pt 2, I’ll not be responsible for the consequences.

  2. this happened to my family last year. we rented a whole house for the week in central texas because our real vacation got ruined. It was a last minute thing. It promised a pool in the beautiful hill country of texas.

    It was a farm house in the middle of some really flat land. And it wasn’t a real rental house. It belonged to the farm couple. it was there home. They moved into the camper behind the house while we stayed in their home. Our first day there, their breakfast was still sitting on the kitchen table.

    LOL…never again

  3. You should come to Del Rio, TX (aka: Hell Rio, Middle of F****** Nowhere). We have 2 Bed and Breakfast here and they totally make up for us being in the middle of nowhere…seriously…We’ve been to both of them and it’s like a dream come true…and they have a real road that leads to them…

  4. I’ve had the “wonderful” experience of staying at numerous bed and breakfasts courtesy of my girlfriend so I can certainly relate.

    I can’t wait to read the next post.

  5. I like going to hotels with indoor pools, and stuff. Then running around the halls late at night knocking on everybody’s door and running away. That’s my dream vacation

  6. Since I derive such joy being annoying, and making people uncomfortable; you’ve put me into the whole mind of opening a B&B… what a brilliant idea. Be annoying and make people uncomfortable and charge them $300 a freakin’ night to do it.

    It’s the perfect occupation for me. Where do I sign up?

  7. “All we needed was a little rain to turn that slope to unstable mud and you’d be reading “Classic Pearls Before Swine.””

    Funniest thing I’ve read here.

  8. $300.00 for a B&B? Where were you- Holmby Hills? I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story. Next time, try the Four Seasons- it can’t be too much more expensive…..

  9. Man, Good Luck! They always have annoying pets and tell you to go to boring attractions like butterfly conservatory.
    I don’t know why girly girls always prefer B&B… I was in New Orleans with my roommates and we paid $200 for a room that defies physics – everything feels permanently damp.
    When we walk by the French Quarters, I pointed to the Sheraton that I would have booked, “We could have gotten a room here, in the center of action, for only $188!” Yup, they said they like how it is “different”. No, I prefer normal to different.

  10. This is why I love hostels… you pay $20 and get exactly what you’d expect: perhaps more. Granted, I suppose it’s not as much a romantic getaway with 6 bunkmates: 1 staring at you, 1 playing guitar, 1 snoring, 1 typing away on a laptop, 1 that comes in at 3am completely wasted, and then 1… well that last one tends to be normal, but speaks Swedish.

    …Though in my opinion, the less of a paved road: the better! If I wanted paved roads, I’d stay at a roadside motel which shares a backyard with an interstate.

  11. I LOVE B&Bs. I just walk around with my (perfectly legal) gun on my belt and watch everyone else go into apoplexy. Great fun!

  12. Sounds like the perfect set-up to a horrifying pre-Halloween tale; “Dial D for Doily”.

  13. I wait with baited breath Part II (if applicable, III and IV) much like L’il Guard Duck awaits the return of his darling Maura.

  14. I love this post. I hate B&Bs with a passion–still holding a grudge for the 15+ years since the last time I’ve been to one! You are completely Right–WHY would I want to sleep in some sh*thead’s ugly house, share a bathroom, be basically told what to eat & when, AND feel like I have to talk to complete strangers just because they are also in this dank old, overdecorated room?

    Not that I have any opinions either way on B&Bs, no…

  15. Did the guy tending the B&B look like one of your PBS landlords? 5 o’clock shadow, cigarette dangling and wife beater shirt… sounds like a story line in the making. Staci should know better, after all she is married to YOU!

  16. Staci is truly your muse. Which is to say, she exists solely to provide you with irritation…which, as we all know, can lead to Pearls.

    (OK, that metaphor was a little TOO perfect. So sue me.)

  17. I stayed in a B&B once, and it was lovely — really nice, and every room had its own bathroom, and free breakfast (good, too).

  18. That is DEFINITLY a “Pearls before Swine” waiting to happen. DO IT! Perhaps Staci is trying to find the worst places for you to say because of the strip. (shrug)🙂

  19. My husband and I stayed in a “quaint” B&B in San Francisco when we were dating. We spent too much time in the shower together and set off the fire alarm at 6AM and woke the entire building. People were really happy with us when we came to breakfast. Bwahahahahahahaha!

  20. Geez. The Residence Inn I stayed in for a recent work trip was only $180 a night. Three rooms and a kitchenette with a full size fridge, a stovetop and even a dishwasher. Each room had its own giant climate control system that rumbled like an ogre in a locked closet. I amused myself in my off hours changing the room back and forth from 60 to 90 degrees searching for that perfect but elusive comfortable temperature.

  21. Too bad you had such a bad experience… my wife and I prefer B&Bs when we travel. HOWEVER, we are careful NOT to stay at “Household” B&Bs, veering toward small or larger inn style, where the only part of the house you share with the owners is the breakfast room and maybe a common area. We find them to be a much better base for travel, being a good place to get info from a (hopefully) long time resident of the area. That, and I love me a good tasty breakfast.

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