These Will Be The Greatest Calendars You Have Ever Owned. Guaranteed.*

They will make you more popular with women.**

They will make you more popular with men.***

They will ensure advancement in the workplace.****

They will make you smarter.*****

They will help you lose weight.******

They will help you live a happier, healthier, more productive life.*******

And men, they will even enlarge your you-know-what.********

All from two calendars.  All absolutely-guaranteed.*********

Can the calendar you bought last year make that guarantee?

I suspect not.

So buy the Jimi-Hendrix-inspired 2010 Pearls wall calendar HERE or at your local store.   It looks like this:


Or buy the 2010 Pearls desk calendar HERE.  It looks like this:


Don’t delay.  Act now.  Your life will never be the same.**********


*Probably not true, unless you’ve never owned any other calendar before.
**Not true either.
*** Total B.S.
**** A lie.
*****Another lie.
******Only if you stop all food intake after you buy the calendar.
********Not scientifically verified.  Just a hunch on my part.
*********I guarantee nothing except that after you buy these calendars, you will
own calendars.
**********Technically true, because you will be out the money you spent and I won’t
give it back to you.

17 thoughts on “These Will Be The Greatest Calendars You Have Ever Owned. Guaranteed.*

  1. I think you’re a little confused, Stephan. I’m suspecting every purchase enlarges *your* you-know-what, at least temporarily.

  2. You only listed 2 types of calendars – what about the day-to-day calendars? 365 days of Pearls Before Swine…what else could be better?

  3. I noticed at the Amazon page for the desk calendar that you can buy a used copy of it for only $26.46 (plus $3.99 S&H), instead of paying $11.19 for it new! Is Rat running an Amazon store?

  4. Melanie, the second calender *is* the 365 day-by-day calendar. Don’t make us relegate you to the Box o’ Morons. 😉

  5. I LOVE my big wall calendar. It just cracks me up and I love looking at it. 2010, here we come!
    The title also ROCKS–“And the wind cry moron.” Love it.

  6. Stephan, I have my calendar hanging on my kitchen wall. It gives me a smile every morning* – Thank you!

    * Either that or it’s the coffee.

  7. Gotta get one! Running to Barnes & Noble to get one, probably pick up your new book while i’m at it.

  8. I already have my day by day 2010 waiting. Sometimes they are so funny I laminate them. No one understands when I stand up in meetings and announce that I have my Monkey Underwear on.

  9. oops. please ignore my previous post. i just checked and my 2009 calendar is actually from 2007 (damn that ebay). and it’s Family Circus. i always get Billy and Rat confused. so i definitely will be buying this one! a question: are the dates the same on the monthly calendar and the day-to-day or will i need both to be completely up to date?

  10. I received my Stephan’d copy of Pearls Sells Out from Copperfield’s today. Love the croc, love the midstrip commentary.
    But “Best Wishes”? Laaaaaame.

  11. Already have it. But Amelia’s right, the ‘Best Wishes’ is a little soft. Unless it’s in Croc- ‘Best Weeshus’

  12. Just read the “Pearls Sells Out” treasury last night. Just as good if not better than the first one, gotta love that commentary! (or just the complaints you get, probably a bit of both)
    (and the strip the wall calander cover is based on!)

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