Fun with the Yellow Pages

When I was bored as an attorney, I used to pull out the yellow pages and make crank calls.

One of them was to a business named, “Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.”

I told them that I was the owner of “Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts” and that their name was causing confusion.  I asked to talk to their owner.

They handed her the phone.

“Yeah, what’s your problem?” she asked.

“Your name.  ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.’  It’s too close to mine,  ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.'”

“I’ve owned this business twenty years,” she said.

“I’ve owned mine twenty-two,” I said.

“So what’s the problem?” she asked.

“You’re confusing customers.  Some of my customers go to your ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts’ thinking they’re at ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.’  It’s very confusing.”

“That’s not confusing,” she said, “They’re two different businesses.”

“You don’t think it’s confusing that I’m ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts’ with four ‘Haircuts’ and you’re ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts’ with three ‘Haircuts’?”

“No, I think it’s ridiculous,” she said.

“You know what I think?” I said. ” I think you should cut down to two ‘Haircuts,’ and just be ‘Haircuts, Haircuts.'”

At that point, I think my goal was simply to say the word “haircuts” as many times as I could in a five-minute span.

“Yeah, well why don’t YOU change YOUR name?!”  she said, her voice rising.

“Forget that,” I said.  “Because I’d have to add a ‘Haircut.’  Then I’d be ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.’  I could cut customers’ hair faster than they could say my name.”

“Yeah, well you’re the one with the problem,” she said.

“Yeah, well it would be much easier for you to go down a ‘Haircut’ then for me to add a ‘Haircut.’  And besides,” I added, “I’m not gonna change my name.  I like the name, ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.'”

“That’s MY business’ name,” she said, on the verge of exploding.  “You just said you were ‘Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.”

“AHA,” I said, “Look at that.”

“‘Look at what?” she asked.

“You’ve confused even me.”

23 thoughts on “Fun with the Yellow Pages

  1. that’s awesome…. You’ve inspired me to actually pull those out from under the bed every now and then.

  2. ROFL. That was absolutely priceless. What I find totally ironic, too, is that you were an attorny and didn’t even bring up lawsuit threats.

  3. you know you are hooked on a blog when you check every day for the new installment and nothing is there and you want to write the author and demand the latest story… this was worth the wait! Damn! You are funny! I wonder what Goat writes in his.

  4. Why did you ever want to be a lawyer in the first place? I’m surprised you never did anything to get yourself disbarred.

  5. We had a Yellow Pages story too.

    A while back we had just moved into a new house and got a new phone line. People started calling and would order meat – suckling pig, skinned rabbits, rack of lamb, that sort of thing. I figured it was a prank at first but it just kept on going … then someone from the Yellow Pages called up and asked if we wanted to buy another advert from them. Turns out some butcher placed an advert in the Yellow Pages and mis-wrote his phone number as ours.

    From that day on, I would take orders and tell the people to come pick them up at odd hours – like after 8pm when the evening rush finishes, at 11.45 and “just skip the queue, tell the guy behind the counter that Joe has a fine sausage you want to get your hands on”.

    That sort of thing.

  6. Oh YEAH??!! Well I’M the owner of ‘Haircuts Haircuts Haircuts Haircuts Haircuts Haircuts Haircuts’ and I will giving YOU a call!

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