A Vehicular Riddle for the Ages

Saw a Hummer on the road this morning.  It was huge.

Whenever I see a Hummer, I  pull alongside it and give the driver the Face.  The Face is somewhere between scorn and revulsion.  I do it every time, unless the driver is big or scary, in which case I just wave.

I can’t explain why I make faces at Hummer drivers.  I guess I just don’t like the people who drive them.  I know that’s an over-generalization, but so is this next sentence.  I don’t like anyone.

Maybe it’s because I think Hummers take up too much space, or suck up too much gas, or look so ridiculously unnecessary on a suburban street not filled with jihadists.

Or maybe it’s just the statement I feel a Hummer’s driver is making, which seems to be, “If you and I get in an accident, I’m gonna pop you like a grape.”

But today’s Hummer driver was special.

Because on the back of his gigantic tank-like car was a yellow bumper sticker with a picture of a bicycle.

That said this:

“Share the road.”

Rare is the bumper sticker that so confounds me that I lose all sense of time.  But this one managed.

I sat in a stupor trying to figure out the riddle.

What I finally deduced was that the driver of the Hummer wanted the rest of us to be careful of bicycle riders because he planned on running over them later.

That’s the kind of preparation you have to respect.

I pulled up beside him, not sure if I should give him the Face or wave.

He had a tattoo.

I waved.

46 thoughts on “A Vehicular Riddle for the Ages

  1. The awesomeness that goes through your head…there are no words to describe.

    LOL share the road!

  2. Yup, yup! I know the feeling.
    My favorite Hummer moment is watching those that can’t maneuver the behemoth into just any old parking space and end up parking two miles from the store out in the deepest, darkest regions of the parking lot.

  3. I imagine doing the same – but not specifically with the Hummers, but rather with the dudes driving those ugly big old GM/Ford trucks! Of course, I would never dare to glare at them, coz knowing them, they probably have a gun right next to them, and were I to attempt a glare, I’d probably get shot down in a blaze of glory! The blaze referring to my car exploding in a glorious explosion!

  4. I smugly give them the one-fingered Hummer Salute as I fly by them in my Prius; which on a day of really bad driving still gets about five times the mileage their pretentious monstrosities get.

  5. I would assume that most Hummer drivers are suburban white sheeple who all have tattoos anyway. Make the face.

  6. Recently, the university I attended (which will remained unnamed) introduced Hummer parking places in the student lot. I ask you, what 18 yr old, with only 2 years of driving experience, needs to be driving one of those things?

  7. He had a tattoo, but does he face backwards in an elevator. I think not. You coulda taken him.

  8. I’m hoping to be going side by side with a Hummer and suddenly it runs outa gas! Me and my little Civic will run circles around it several times as I point and laff hysterically. I will feel justified.

  9. I’d be embarrassed to drive a Hummer, but not because of the size or cost. I would never be caught dead in something for which the slang term is a b.j. Thus, you never ever will catch me cutting my grass with a Snapper mower, either. Look it up on urbandictionary.com. You’ll laugh.

  10. I feel sorry for those guys that feel so unmanly that they have to drive a big huge Army vehicle to make up for it I like a bumper sticker I saw recently. It was about pickups, but it surely applies to hummers too: “Nice truck. Sorry about your small penis.”

  11. My douchebag neighbors have an H1 Hummer AND an H2. Seriously, what the hell is the point? I’m not mad at them though.

    Because they have to be paying at least $200 a week for gas.

  12. If I could have your voice commenting on my whole day, my life would be complete.
    Eventually, though it would probably drive me completely insane.
    But it’d be fun while I lasted.

  13. Being a cyclist, I’d translate that as, “Stay out of my way; It’d be a shame if I had to hose your wimpy blood off my Troop Transport or untangle your stretchy-pants from the grill.

    Personally, I really don’t see what good a “Share the Road” sign does in the first place. I wonder how much toddler manslaughter was averted due to all those stupid “Baby on Board” signs in the ‘80’s (“I’ve-lost-control-of my car but- must avoid THAT one because there’s a “Baby on Board.” Must-try-to-swerve toward that carload of senior citizens instead.”).

  14. I love how someone who doesn’t like anyone has both a blog and a Facebook page! It’s cool, Stephan, we understand. We’re just like you.

    Only without the blog.

  15. ok for some reason i stupidly posted my comment on the wrong post. so the comment i mixed up was: that’s paradoxical.

  16. I backed into a frigging Hummer with my Mustang a few weeks ago.

    I did $2,700 worth of damage to my trunk lid and bumper. I didn’t even scratch the rubberized coating on the Hummer’s bumper…

  17. I saw a big, fat Hummer once. How big was it? It needed its own zip code. It was in the drive through at In-n-Out and was idling enough gas to keep 600 priuses happy for their entire life span. I noticed the California Environmental Special Plate and the irony nearly made me lose my appetite for my double double and real ice cream shake. The prison art on her license plate showed a big breaching whale, with the caption reading save our whales and oceans. Um…did it ever occur to her that her precious oil and petrol might have been drilled *offshore*?

    Another Hummer went around a corner while my husband was a pedestrian crossing that same corner, with a green light. The hummer clipped my husband’s ankle. Said pissed off husband kicked the hummer with a steel toed boot, trying to get it to move away from him. The driver stopped, shoved my not so small husband down to the ground and started kicking him the chest and back. Unfortunately, he had temporary plates on that continental sized piece of shit, so he tore away when an angry mob carrying burning pitchforks began their defense. The only injuries were to my husband’s pride, but I look very suspiciously upon every slate blue behemoth.

    Hey, maybe the crocs need a Hummer!

  18. ooooooooh a scary tattoo…Did he have a bike carrier on that thing? Now that would have made my mind go “what the &%$^”!!!

  19. Escalades are just as bad. This one Escalade driver was hogging the road and cut off car after car. He had a sticker on the back that said “DB”. We can all make a good guess what that stood for.

  20. For the person who hates stretch limos: The local limo company has a 6 door stretch hummer available to rent. I see it around town all the time. The thing’s so big it needs an extra axle.

    Obscene as gigantic military ATV crossovers for suburban soccermoms are, I find them only marginally more laughable than tiny little plastic cars and their self righteous drivers.

  21. I saw a pickup truck with a Jesus fish on the tailgate and truck nuts hanging from the trailer hitch. What is that message?

  22. You guys are all jealous. Hummers are cool- I want one. I will laugh at your ineffectual rantings as I drive over the corpses of your little plastic electro-mobiles.

  23. People are scared of me because I have tattoos, not so much for the fact that I have them , its just that none of them belong to me , and that is what scares people..

  24. let me guess most of the people posting here are all about “tolerance”? anyway back in 2000 I took an old suburban and ripped the body off and put a hummer body on it. Just for fun… one day a had a lady in the lane next to me flipping me off and swearing at me merely because of the truck (now this wasn’t my daily driver I mostly just took it off road to play or when I needed to haul 8 people) anyway i let her go through a light and stopped so my cildren wouldn’t have to hear her vulgarity. what does she do? she waits for me on the other side of the intersection. I hate to tell her to do the math, her 1 Person in a civic or my 8 people in a hummer ..I think I was geting better milage per person. oh and my vehicle was 100% recycled. really people, stand by your tolerance speech. I’ve since sold it, after the build was done it wasn’t as much fun. but I don’t go hunting down prius owners telling them how the nickel mines for their batteries are among the worst poluters in the world.

  25. I actually have Hummer lust. I wish I had one, so I could run over all the stupid people. I give the face to people that drive hybrid cars, because they want to cut down on carbon emissions, but don’t realize the carbon footprint it takes to actually make a battery for the hybrid car. So to all you hybrid owners, you are stupid…watch out when I get my Hummer. You will be road kill!

  26. Silly, it’s not that a guy who drives Hummer thinks he needs that much vehicle to survive a crash well. No, no, it’s because he need a vehicle that massive to haul his junk. Oh, and by junk, I mean penis.

    It’s for this reason – and partly as an homage to William H. Macy – that my wife & I call those big, beastly, monstrously-oversized and impractical vehicles B.D.T.s – or “Big Dick Trucks.”

    (It may be worth noting that secretly, my wife would love to have a Hummer just so she could drive like Mad Max and crush anyone who dared to get in her way.)

  27. Try the Hummer limo if you think the regular is way too large. Not joking, I’ve actually seen a Hummer strech limo. Like two and a half Hummers put together. All I could think was “Who the f*** wants to be hualed around in that thing. Probably uses three times as much gas as anything on the road.”

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