Staci, the Destroyer of Summers

My wife Staci made me go to another wedding.  This time for one of her cousins.  She has destroyed my summer with these time-sucking monstrosities.

This one was at a golf course.  Under a gazebo.   A hundred feet to the right was a driving range filled with middle-aged guys shanking ball after ball.

I thought that was interesting.

Under the gazebo was one man pledging his everlasting love to his wife.  To his left were twenty trying to escape theirs.

On the other side of the gazebo was a lake.  A male and female mallard floated on its edge.  The male waddled up on shore to watch the proceedings.  Added to the golfers, that made twenty-one males escaping their wives.

Adding to the horror was a harpist.  Every wedding we’ve attended this summer has had a harpist.

I don’t know about you, but I have never bought an album of harp music.  Nor have I ever had someone hand me a CD and say, “Dude, you gotta hear this.  It’s got some great harp.”  There’s a reason for that.  Nobody likes them.

Harps are the only instrument that even when played at their best sound like something you’d hear in an elevator.

I don’t know who first associated harps with heaven.  They should not be.  They are the work of the devil.   They belong in hell.  Or at least purgatory.

Which is pretty close to where I was that hot day sitting between the golfers and the ducks.

So I tried to get my son Tom to look over at the harp.  Not so he would take an interest in it.  But so I could stick my wet finger in his ear.  Which I did.  Causing Staci to hit my hand.

“Stop,” she said, “You’re at a wedding.  Seriously.”

She was right.  I had to stop.  Stop sitting so close to her.

So I scooted my chair six inches out of her range and stuck my finger in Tom’s ear again.

She swung her hand.  And missed.

I had escaped my wife.

That made twenty-two of us.

34 thoughts on “Staci, the Destroyer of Summers

  1. Have you ever tried “Shut you stupid wife mouf!!!!” I hear that works sometime. You’re welcome.

  2. I actually like the Harp, every once in awhile. If you listen to harps long enough your ears will bleed. Also weddings are very very boring!

  3. Stephan, let me impart some wisdom to you. Weddings are like football games. Both are most enjoyable when the drinking starts well in advance of the festivities. If done correctly, you have no idea what the final score was.

    Of course, your wife would probably have a different opinion about this. It seems they always do.

  4. I find the only way to tolerate weddings with harps is to assume if they can afford dumb harp solos, then the cake will be prime. So I think forward to eating the groom’s cake. Not a piece of cake. The whole thing.

  5. As one stand up comedian said, “Those of you who get married and think everyone at your wedding at a good time, it’s not true. No one was having a good time. Except you.”

  6. As one stand up comedian said, “Those of you who have gotten married and thought everyone at your wedding had a good time, it’s not true. No one was having a good time except you.”

  7. Mark Twain has a nice anti-harp rant in misanthropic Letters from the Earth, in which he complains about the all harp music that people expect to be played in heaven.

  8. if it weren’t for weddings and funerals, I wouldn’t see much of my family… which is OK by me….

  9. Marriage n. A society consisting of a man, a woman, and two slaves making in all two.

  10. I think a wedding is improved with a Harp. There should be lots of them, ice cold, or a keg. Oh, wait, you mean the stringed instrument. Never mind.

  11. The reason harps are associated with heaven is because one day, God grabbed one, raised it above all of the sinners, and proclaimed: “I shall beat thee over the head with this wretched piece of $%!!+ instrument!” and thus the legend was born.

  12. For some reason, my girlfriend keeps bringing me to weddings, some of which celebrate the union of two people she hardly knows. Hmmm…::play Jeopardy soundtrack::

  13. So does Staci read these posts, or is she just sitting back quietly thinking “I get half of everything when I’ve had enough. Half of EVERYTHING…”

  14. Do what I do I make a trip to the Local farm supply store buy a chain, aa padlock and a really large cowbell and in the middle of the ceremony I sneak out to the getaway car and I slid undernesath getting my suit coat dirty ( dont have to wear that for the rest of the day ) and chain & padlock the cowbell to the bumper. I get out of wearing a coat and the wedding for a good half hour !

  15. Notice how everyone comments about the harps. I digged the ducks! Pastis, you are such a kid (I know everyone must tell you this, but I’ll have to say)- it’s unbelievable, I LOVE IT!

  16. I dunno, I have certainly made people listen to Joanna Newsom while saying something along the lines of, “dude, this is some awesome harp music.”

    She’s not for everyone, probably because her voice can be abrasive (I found that it grew on me). Still, the Milk-eyed Mender is some pretty fun harp music as far as I’m concerned. “The Book of Right-On” anyone?

    Okay, I’m done now.

  17. I spend my weekends managing events at a local museum.

    There are worse things than a harp.


    But the finger in the ear thing? I see that almost every wedding. Some guy in the back messing around until he gets “the look” from his wife.

    The security guard next to me always leans over and whispers, “Think she’d mind if I yelled … Run! Run for your life… ” I hit him in the arm to make him behave. It’s what we wives do – even when you’re not our husbands.

  18. So this has nothing to do with this post, but I went to a seal rescue the other day and at the rescue they had a book with articles about their particular rescue. Mixed in with all of those pictures of rescued animals was your Sunday strip from 12/14/03 about the seal rescue. The one where the seal is eaten by the killer whale at the end. I’m glad they were such great sports about it.

  19. Best standup line about weddings: “Taking a divorced woman to a wedding is like taking a recovering drug addict to a Grateful Dead concert.”

    Wish I could remember the source, because I quote him all the time. (Yeah, it was a guy. Go figure.)

  20. You’re right about the harp. More irritating than a room full of asthmatic mimes.

    The only good one is the Harp of Brian Boru on the outside of a can of Guinness.

  21. I don’t understand if most of the population doesn’t like weddings, then why do people insits on having big ones were they invite most of the people they know.

  22. Oh, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard “Hava Nagila” played on the pedal harp. No joke. It took all my self-control not to bust out laughing.

  23. If you were with me, you would behave. If you weren’t, then I’d sit where I could watch your antics and be entertained until the boring ceremony was done. You can embarrass yourself, but not me.

  24. Crap, I had to scoot back from the computer, I’m typing with arms fully extended so I don’t spit my tea out on the screen again! I hate weddings and I’m a chick…can’t imagine how much you macho guys must think they suck!

  25. I want to a wedding yesterday which was a lot of fun, making me realize how many I’ve been to that were NOT a lot of fun.

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