I Have Developed the Cure for Traffic

Was caught in gridlock on Saturday.

The kind where you can cut the engine and picnic on the asphalt.

Sitting on the hood of my car in the lotus position, a shaft of sunlight shone down upon me from the heavens and gave unto me a revelation:

Make dumb people pull over.

Hello Nobel Prize.

You see, gridlock is all about time wastage.  And smart people’s time is more valuable than dumb people’s time.

Smart people 1) cure polio; 2) paint the Mona Lisa; and 3) put man on the moon.

Dumb people lose fingers in firecracker mishaps.

If dumb people are forced to pull over, smart people will cure more diseases and dumb people will keep more fingers.  That’s a win-win.

I know what you’re saying.

“Stephan, that’s a brilliant idea and I can see why you’re one of the smart people.  But how will we determine who has to pull over and who gets to pass?”


Big billboards on the highway with a simple reminder message to the dumb people:

“You Know Who You Are.”

Below the text will be a photo of the Stupids, a happy but mentally-deficient family of four who will be to this program what Smokey Bear is to the Forest Service.  And on each billboard, the Stupids will be having more fun than the last.  They eat cheese puffs.  They toss the football.  They put funny animals stickers on each others’ shirts.

That will be the only cost of the program.  The scattering of Nerf footballs and animal stickers along the highways.

And before you think I’m putting all the burden of gridlock on the dumb, consider this rule I’ll be imposing on the smart people who get to drive past the stupid people:

We have to wave.

It’s only right.  Not all roads are on broad open plains.  Some of these people will be hanging on to the edge of cliffs.  Some of them will be getting rained on.

So give them a wave.  Or a nod of the head.  Or throw them an occasional:  “God bless you, dumb people.”

And when they wave back, count their fingers.

Because of you, they’ve got them all.

24 thoughts on “I Have Developed the Cure for Traffic

  1. “Smart people 1) cure polio; 2) paint the Mona Lisa; and 3) put man on the moon.”

    You really think comic strip artist is gonna make the cut?

  2. But they already did pull over… Right off of the back roads and right onto 101.

  3. Dis here’s a purty gut idear, will be seeing ya on the side o’ da stret Mr. Pastys. You bring the Cheeto’s, I bring da beers

  4. If I didn’t have better things to do with my time, I’d say let’s start getting this set up. I promise to wave at the dumb people as I speed by though!

  5. There’s one problem with your plan Pastis: Dumb people will be running out onto the freeways chasing the nerf balls and stickers when the wind blows them across the highway. Dumb people wouldn’t think to look for traffic coming, and just run out into the streets. We must build a fence along every highway to protect not only their fingers, but their whole bodies!!! 😛

  6. Or conversly you could just cull the people who think that they are far more important than everyone else on the road (the ones who go too fast, weave through traffic, change lanes without signaling etc) if you got rid of them there would be no accidents that cause the slowdowns.
    To get rid of them just have a special “short cut” lane and have it lead to some dirt road where their tires are slashed and they can’t bother the rest of us.

  7. Stephan, here’s a suggestion of how smart people, even some near-dumb, can help – thanks to the comedian Gallagher (so sue me if I can’t spell his name – or maybe I did). Everyone is issued a sucker-dart gun with little darts that have a STUPID flag. When you see some driver do something stupid, you blast him with a dart. Then after so many darts, say 6 or 7, or maybe more than 2, a cop stops them and gives them a ticket for being stupid. Three stops and they are given cheese puffs and a nerf ball and their car keys are taken away. Some great idea, hmmm?

  8. Me, I’ve always thought we should build paintball guns into the grilles of cars…if someone in front of you is a bad driver, (i.e. holding traffic up, cutting into line, not signalling before turning, stomping on the brakes at the last minute forcing you to do the same)…BAMMO!! A paintball, all over the back of their SUV. Enough splotches, and it’s reason enough for the CHP to pull you over and question your driving skills.
    And all you need to do is be smart enough if you get spattered is stop being cheap long enough to drive through the car wash…so the only ones with paint build-up end up being the stupid, the cheap, the clueless and the truly bad drivers (DO YOU HEAR THAT, MISTER I DON’T WANT TO LOOK IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR BECAUSE I’M HOLDING UP A LINE OF 30 CARS WHILE GOING 45 IN THE FAST LANE?!?!?!?)
    Road rage-no, not me.

  9. The problem is that dumb people really don’t know they are dumb. Why do you think there’s a comic strip called “Pluggers?”

  10. Whatever happened to just putting dumb people in the Box O’ Stupid People or the Cubicle O’ Shame?

  11. i was thinking why not just run them over it might actually take work to wave at them and if we run them over it will be one less stupid in the world.

  12. Hey Stephan, I thought a few entries back you admitted that your keyboard is riddled with cheese-puff crumbs…>_>

  13. Great idea, though I disagree with the use of The Stupids to attract the stupid. The Stupids are as much a work of fiction as anything created by E.B. White, Walt Disney or Malcolm Gladwell.
    Most of the stupid folk I see on the road are angry and I would think they’d be more easily drawn to a vignette of mindless anger than one of blissful dopiness. Maybe a couple of drunken bald guys in tank tops and flip-flops engaged in a fistfight.

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