Was caught in gridlock on Saturday.
The kind where you can cut the engine and picnic on the asphalt.
Sitting on the hood of my car in the lotus position, a shaft of sunlight shone down upon me from the heavens and gave unto me a revelation:
Make dumb people pull over.
Hello Nobel Prize.
You see, gridlock is all about time wastage. And smart people’s time is more valuable than dumb people’s time.
Smart people 1) cure polio; 2) paint the Mona Lisa; and 3) put man on the moon.
Dumb people lose fingers in firecracker mishaps.
If dumb people are forced to pull over, smart people will cure more diseases and dumb people will keep more fingers. That’s a win-win.
I know what you’re saying.
“Stephan, that’s a brilliant idea and I can see why you’re one of the smart people. But how will we determine who has to pull over and who gets to pass?”
Big billboards on the highway with a simple reminder message to the dumb people:
“You Know Who You Are.”
Below the text will be a photo of the Stupids, a happy but mentally-deficient family of four who will be to this program what Smokey Bear is to the Forest Service. And on each billboard, the Stupids will be having more fun than the last. They eat cheese puffs. They toss the football. They put funny animals stickers on each others’ shirts.
That will be the only cost of the program. The scattering of Nerf footballs and animal stickers along the highways.
And before you think I’m putting all the burden of gridlock on the dumb, consider this rule I’ll be imposing on the smart people who get to drive past the stupid people:
We have to wave.
It’s only right. Not all roads are on broad open plains. Some of these people will be hanging on to the edge of cliffs. Some of them will be getting rained on.
So give them a wave. Or a nod of the head. Or throw them an occasional: “God bless you, dumb people.”
And when they wave back, count their fingers.
Because of you, they’ve got them all.