Radio Free Pearls

Hey, for those of you who have absolutely nothing better to do tonight, come listen to my boring voice live on KSRO News Talk. I’m supposed to be on live from 5 pm to 5:40 or so (Pacific Standard Time). Maybe we should turn it into a drinking game, where you have to drink every time someone says “Pearls.”

To stream the show, just click on the link below:

KSRO News Radio

And please, drink responsibly.

This Just In: Mark’s Game is at 9 and 11 at Newman

Just wanted to tell all of you that Mark’s game is at 9:00 today at Newman.  He has another game at 11:00.  The talent level at these games is supposed to be pretty high so the games should be fairly challenging.

Don’t know Mark?  Or which games I’m talking about?

That’s okay.   Neither do I.

I just thought I should tell you because the fat man standing behind me at Starbucks today shouted it so loud into his cell phone that I figured he must have wanted all of you to know.  He certainly wanted all of Starbucks to know.

So if you have some friends or neighbors that may not know about Mark’s challenging games this morning, please spread the word.

The fat man would have wanted it that way.

I Will Save The World

In the 1990’s, I was a lawyer at a firm in San Francisco.  On Halloween, we had a special “costume day” lunch in the conference room where everyone dressed up.

One person wore a Scottish kilt.  Someone wore funny plastic teeth.  A woman wore a witch hat.

But while everyone chatted politely in our 16th floor conference room, a man in a child’s Power Ranger costume was running circles around the building.

For those of you who don’t remember the skin-tight suits that were the Power Rangers, here is a reminder:

power-rangers_turboranger1

Because the costume was designed to be tight on a 12-year-old, it was extra tight on a 30-year-old.  And it didn’t have a helmet, which meant that the man’s head was exposed for all to see.

But that didn’t stop him.

Neither did the annoyed San Francisco businessmen in the city’s financial district, who stared with disdain.

But even those who tolerated this visual nuisance were pushed beyond their limit when the man began yelling his superhero credo:

“I WILL SAVE THE WORLD!  I WILL SAVE THE WORLD!”

Three times the man circled the building, and three times he yelled his credo.

I would say that the man was embarrassed by the spectacle he created that day, but I know that he was not.

I know because he was me.

Me enjoying costume day.

The last one the firm would ever have.

An Inspirational Feel-Good Post to Share With Any of Your Friends or Neighbors Who Could Really Use a Boost Today

I just read a book on Genghis Khan.  I learned three things.

1)  Genghis Khan’s warriors ate koumiss.  Koumiss is fermented mare’s milk.  Sometimes they would let it harden in the sun so they could snack on it later.   Think of it as a poor man’s Frito.

2) When out of koumiss, these guys drank their own horse’s blood.  Straight from the horse’s vein.  Sometimes they’d let the blood harden like they did the koumiss, so they’d have two snacks later.  Mongol warriors were just loaded with snacks.

3) When these warriors stepped out of line, their punishment was to be wrapped in huge woven rugs.  That might sound okay, but consider this.  They were then trampled by horses.

In all the other moments of their day, they were trying not to be killed in battle.  And it was below freezing.  And nobody bathed.

So if you are having a bad day today because the fax didn’t go through, or the Chevy wouldn’t start, look at the bright side:

You are not chomping on fermented mare’s milk.

I Am Back From Vacation and I Am Angry About My Bed

My wife puts 14 pillows on our bed.

The bed needs 2.

I don’t normally think about these 12 extra pillows.  But I am now.

I am now because we went on vacation last week and the bed in the house we rented did not have 12 extra pillows.  It had 2.

My wife’s 12 extra pillows are for show.  This is sad because no one but us ever sees them.  If they were a Broadway show, they would have been shut down.

In no particular order, they include:

1)  The two big gold ones.  They rest against the headboard, behind each of the two “normal people” pillows.

2)  The two big blue ones.  They sit on top of the two normal people pillows.

3)  The two small square pillows.  Those go in front of the big blue ones.

4)  The two horizontal, stripey ones.  They go in front of the square pillows.

5)  The four “middle section” pillows (those that sit  between the two normal people pillows).  They include:

  • The patterned pillow that goes between the two gold ones.
  • The checkerboard-pattern pillow that goes in front of it.
  • The beige square one that goes in front of that.
  • And finally, the tube-shaped one (aka Tubey).  It goes in front of all of them.  (I feel a bit sorry for this one.  He’s different than the others.)

The reason you must know about these pillows is that they are costing me my life.

You see, I spend two minutes arranging them when I make the bed every morning.

Over the course of a year, that’s 730 minutes.

I am 41-years-old.  Assuming the normal statistical course of events, I should live 36 more years.  730 minutes times 36 more years equals 26,280 minutes.

Yes, that’s right.

These pillows will take 26,280 minutes off my life. Or 18 full days.

18 full days.

Five days longer than the Cuban Missile Crisis.  Three times as long as the 1967 Arab-Israeli war.

Think about that.  Israel doubled its territory in just 1/3 the time it takes me to arrange my wife’s pillows.

And all for show.  A show that no one ever sees.  So if I don’t tell you about them, those 18 days are gone gone gone.

So here is a diagram.

our pillows

So please, take a moment to admire the arrangement.

You’re all I’ve got.

Make my life worth something.