Drowning Out the Voices in my Head

I do not like our icemaker.

It’s in the door of the refrigerator that my wife Staci bought.  And it’s too loud.   I’m not sure what it’s doing back there, but it can drown out a bugle.

I also do not like our answering machine.   It’s next to the phone I never answer.  And when I don’t answer it, the person talks into the machine.  But I don’t want to hear their voice.  So I try to lower the volume, but it’s at the back of the machine, and when I pull the machine out, the cord won’t budge and all the crap by the phone falls over.

There is only one good thing about the icemaker and the answering machine.  They are next to each other.

So now, when people call, I fill glasses with ice.

Lots and lots of ice.

One of Staci’s friends requires four glasses.

Every time she calls, she makes California’s drought worse.

If I was a better person, I’d tell her what she’s doing to the environment.  But it would mean talking to her.  And hearing that voice.  Which would require more ice.

I’m just proud that I’ve taken a bad situation (the loud icemaker) and used it to my benefit.  Sort of like that old adage about how when life hands you lemons, you’re supposed to turn them into an icy-cold glass of lemonade.

Only you don’t need the lemonade.

Just the ice.

19 thoughts on “Drowning Out the Voices in my Head

  1. I used to hate to hear the phone ring, before I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and put on antidepressants, true story but probably not on topic

  2. yeah, your kinda’ trolling. but does that Stephen Pastis Has social anxiety disorder?

  3. Awesome. I can just see this on one of those home improvement shows: “No need to fix or replace that loud icemaker! Use it to your advantage!”

    Man, if I lived anywhere near San Diego, I would have been there this weekend. You are my freaking hero, man. It would have been cool to say hi.

    Glad you had a great time.

  4. I love reading your blogs. It seems we think alike. That being said, you probably don’t like the vacuum cleaner, the faucet dripping, and a bunch of other stuff that I can’t stand. Now when I have the urge to smash a telephone somewhere because it won’t stop ringing, I know there’s someone out there thinking the same thing.

  5. My husband’s voice used to be on our answering machine, and my mother would say, “Trey” (my husband), “have Ruth Ann call me.” Now my oldest son, David’s voice is on the machine, and my mother says, “David, have Mommy call me.” My youngest son was confused by this, and I said “Gaa Goo (“Grandmother” in German Texan French Creole Crazy Woman Nonsense)thinks that the machine is alive and that you have to address whoever’s voice is on the machine.” He said, “So why don’t we put your voice on the machine?” I did not say, “Because I lose the middle man that I have used as the fall guy all of these years as to why I don’t call my mother back.” I certainly hope that my children are never so ungrateful!

    What started this thread??? Oh, the number of glasses of wine required to answer the phone. Many plus some.

  6. “Had Enough Years Of Humanity” disorder. or you can just make an acronym outta it and sound like Ed McMahon.

  7. I am on antidepressants . . . 13 different medications . . . and I am 24!!! I am not a healthy person, and all of it is stuff I am born with.

    Wait . . . what was this blog about?

    Oh yeah, phone and ice . . . I really didn’t need to say those other things did I? I mean they don’t relate to the actual blog, just a comment about antidepressants.

    So, Ice machine = bad
    And, Phone & answering machine = bad
    BUT, phone & answering machine & ice machine = good.

    Hmmm, didn’t teach us that in math class. I am writing my congressman!

  8. Or you could just kind of get one of those phones with the do not disturb button, you can’t hear anything and people still leave messages, until you are ready to listen, if ever. But then, of course, it would probably not be so funny to blog about, and would suck all the joy out of your day….never mind ::sigh::

  9. I miss our old answering machine that had a 45-second time limit. It made my wife’s overly-dramatic and chatty friends bearable.

  10. Social anxiety disorder? No. Answering machines are up there with allergies and car alarms on the list of things that were probably invented by Satan.

  11. Solutions:

    1. Get rid of land line and go all cell. You can shut it off and not answer that either but people can still leave messages which you also can ignore. Better yet, you can just delete them without even listening to them.

    2. Shut off the ice maker. Make ice cubes the old fashioned way. Come on, you’re not that lazy, right? Right?

    Then again, if you don’t have these irritants, the strip might not be as edgy.

    Never mind…

  12. wow i can’t do that becauces our ice machine is broken and when a message is left on our machine it beep until you listen to it again oh and i loved todays strip

  13. Why do we have answering machines? With call display, I can tell at a glance whether I want to speak to someone (which is rare) even if I wasn’t there when they called.

    My advice – if it’s one of those tape ones, just remove the incoming tape – problem solved. If it’s digital, just break it by pouring ice directly on it.

  14. some of these comments need to go into a ‘box o useless comments’ Pastis I love how you think. I needs to get me a loud icemaker too! 🙂

  15. Annoying random noises:
    Barking dogs.
    Telephone and esp cellphones.
    Car Alarms.
    Some jerk with a big car stereo that wants everyone to hear his bass.
    Screaming children, esp other people’s kids.

    Great noises:
    Voodoo child, really loud..
    An F-18 in a low tight turn over your head.
    Owls mating in my front yard.
    Sizzle of a nice steak hitting the grill..
    Fizz of coke, the pop of a bottle of wine being opened.

    Why does one drive me nuts and the other doesn’t?

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