I Am Back From Vacation and I Am Angry About My Bed

My wife puts 14 pillows on our bed.

The bed needs 2.

I don’t normally think about these 12 extra pillows.  But I am now.

I am now because we went on vacation last week and the bed in the house we rented did not have 12 extra pillows.  It had 2.

My wife’s 12 extra pillows are for show.  This is sad because no one but us ever sees them.  If they were a Broadway show, they would have been shut down.

In no particular order, they include:

1)  The two big gold ones.  They rest against the headboard, behind each of the two “normal people” pillows.

2)  The two big blue ones.  They sit on top of the two normal people pillows.

3)  The two small square pillows.  Those go in front of the big blue ones.

4)  The two horizontal, stripey ones.  They go in front of the square pillows.

5)  The four “middle section” pillows (those that sit  between the two normal people pillows).  They include:

  • The patterned pillow that goes between the two gold ones.
  • The checkerboard-pattern pillow that goes in front of it.
  • The beige square one that goes in front of that.
  • And finally, the tube-shaped one (aka Tubey).  It goes in front of all of them.  (I feel a bit sorry for this one.  He’s different than the others.)

The reason you must know about these pillows is that they are costing me my life.

You see, I spend two minutes arranging them when I make the bed every morning.

Over the course of a year, that’s 730 minutes.

I am 41-years-old.  Assuming the normal statistical course of events, I should live 36 more years.  730 minutes times 36 more years equals 26,280 minutes.

Yes, that’s right.

These pillows will take 26,280 minutes off my life. Or 18 full days.

18 full days.

Five days longer than the Cuban Missile Crisis.  Three times as long as the 1967 Arab-Israeli war.

Think about that.  Israel doubled its territory in just 1/3 the time it takes me to arrange my wife’s pillows.

And all for show.  A show that no one ever sees.  So if I don’t tell you about them, those 18 days are gone gone gone.

So here is a diagram.

our pillows

So please, take a moment to admire the arrangement.

You’re all I’ve got.

Make my life worth something.

79 thoughts on “I Am Back From Vacation and I Am Angry About My Bed

  1. And what would happen if you don’t arrange them at all and just leave them on a big pile in the middle of the bed?

    (Being married, I know the answer. Some readers might not.)

  2. I’ve heard the argument before, “they are for show”. What does it show, that you’re pillow-rich. Perhaps it shows your ability to arrange assorted soft rectangles in symmetrical patterns.
    I find it all too showy.

  3. Steve: Bless your heart!!! If you can do that it just 2 minutes…way to go, fella! I’m a great0-grandma (not sure what that has to do with it!) but..for most of my adult life I’ve had 2 ‘normal peole piilows on my bed..plus usually just 3 as ‘pops’ of color in front of them.
    In my latest apt. I now have 4 normal people pillows..I need to sleep on two..the other two balance out the other side of the bed…then I have two more in the shams that came w/ the new spread..(makes 6)..now have two add’t pops of color in front of each one of them..and sitting somewhere on these pillows I place two fuzzy bears..why? you make ask..The answer is…I have no clue! I guess I like the way they look..but I really love messing around with the arrangement!
    Have you considered playing around with the way the pillows are arranged or is this the proscribed way that they’re supposed to be? As long as you’re in charge of the pillows..why don’t you have a little creative fun with them…and try arranging them in different patterns (or not..as you wish)..make them just different..mix up the patterns/colors…so it’s not quite so predictable..as long as you’re spending that amount of time puttin them on the bed…play with what they’re going to look like..you might be surprised!
    Personally…I really hate taking them off the bed at night! Mainly because I love the way I have them on the bed..and I just don’t want to have to do again…every single morning!!!!

    Absolutely love the strip!! Today’s (about the perfect gift for the bf…and his to her) was so right on for a member of my family!!! She always puts SO much thought into her gifts…and last xmas…that’s what happened to her..Initially…I think she was going to swear off the holiday..she’s a little past it…and has decided to just go ahead and buy what she wants ahead of time, wrap them and put them under the tree anyway!]\

    Go ahead…toss those pillows any way you want them..unless you are in danger of some kind of retribution!
    Best luck
    Sandi

  4. I totally feel your pain. When I bought my new bed and bedding set, it came with, like, a huge number of pillow cases. I used two, and then put the rest in the closet. Apparently, that is a no-no. I was politely informed that I *need* the long pillow for support, and those two box pillows go over the normal pillows, so that people don’t SEE the normal pillows when they glance into my room.

    Apparently, normal people pillows can not be seen. Like how Leave it to Beaver was shut down for showing a toilet. And then there were the “foot pillows”, which go at the foot of the bed. I’m still not sure of the reasoning, but I’m sure it’s a good one. My dog loves them, I’m sure.

    Except, I don’t have a dog. And haven’t had one for a long time. But I pretend I have a dog, so I don’t feel like a total schlub for having “foot pillows”.

    I tell people about this imaginary dog, and make up excuses for why he’s not home when I have visitors. This dog has had worms more times than I’d care to count.

    It’s all become a complex lie, and it’s consuming my life.

  5. I admire the drawing and hope the admiration and sympathy toward your plight validate the 18 days you are losing. You have made me very happy, however, since I rarely even bother making a bed let alone arranging pillows. Your calculation gives me a theoretical 18 day surplus, which I will promptly begin using by staying home from work tomorrow. Thank you, sir.

  6. My bed has 7 extra pillows, but I only make it less than once a week. Donate 18 days of your life to letting your wife make the bed. That is a reasonable solution. The other solution is to not waste your time doing math problems of how much of your life is wasted. Or you could throw the extra pillows out the window.

  7. And I thought I had it bad dealing with five superfluous pillows. You are my Danny Donkey.

  8. Dude, that’s some sick pillowage there.

    When we got married my wife tried to build the Downy Taj (we even had a Tubey, the pattern as best I can remember was “Early French Whorehouse”), but even she got sick of it after a while.

    Now we just have 6 on the bed; 2 wafer-thin ones for me and 4 angered-blowfish ones for her. There’s frequently a pillow fort between us. I suspect it’s intentional.

  9. I have 3 pillows. Thats about 4 days. Im gonna spend the rest 14 days drinking ice tea and thinking about you making the bed.

  10. Dude, you gotta pick your fights.

    This is not worth the grief, trust me on this, i’ve been married alot longer than you have.

    As Don Schlitz once said “you gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run”

    Never count your pillows…

    something like that..

    Lets just hope she has a sense of humor..

  11. I could not, would not, on the bed. I could not, would not, when I’m dead. I do not like deco-pillows and shams, I do not like them. Bland, I am.

    I bought two tubey pillows when I bought a Turkish bedspread. How could I not – they matched so prettily, and altogether the new bedding set delusions of grandeur afire within me. Yes…my bed would always be neatly made henceforth because of the spread and especially the Tubeys. Yes…and I can see the rest of the room would follow suit, and I’d get Turkish hanging candle holders and play exotic music and burn incense and…

    Reality: The tubeys just sort of wander about the room with no destination, taking up space and gathering dust mites for log rolling contests. Occasionally my children use them as clubs, or I’ll use one to prop up my flat-ish old regular pillow when I’m reading or watching the tube.

    In short, I am glad I won’t be wasting weeks of my life arranging the spawn of evil bedding marketers every morning. Thank you for preventing me from ever giving credence to this notion again, not EVAH!

  12. Which takes longer: Arranging the pillows…or drawing, scanning, cleaning up, coloring, saving, uploading and posting the cartoon of your bed?

    I’m guessing it’s arranging the pillows.

  13. haha you poor thing. I never get that ppl place pillows for decoration when you don’t actually need them. It’s such a waste of time. Thanks for the drawing😛

  14. Don’t be so sure that no one sees the show, my friend. You’re just not home. I’ll tell you about it sometime. Thanks for making our bed.

  15. Sorry for all the wives that make their husband do the same thing…including me.
    Our bed have the 2 normals, 2 extra big ones, 2 squares and one little square (no tubey though) and my husband keeps saying the same thing: “why? why?!?”

  16. hmmm 12 pillows .now I know where u get the inspiration of little guard duck .the pillows act as barricade. she has a rocket launcher behind those pillows . u dont know it.

  17. Now lets look at the time spent writing ABOUT the pillows. That’s more time wasted if the pillows were never there in the first place!

  18. Poor… Poor Tubey.
    Maybe you should sleep in a separate bed with tubey as your only pillow.

  19. which begs the question: Where do you put the extra 12 pillows? Our six end up on a chaise…

  20. I don’t think you need to pity the abnormal pillow. He seems to be front and center, according to your diagram.

  21. Who needs pillows?

    I’m also curious as to where all the pillows go, when you’re using the bed… for…lets say… sleeping.

  22. I have six pillows on my bed. I use two. I don’t know why I have the other four, although I think it has something to do with the fact that I am a woman, and for some unexplained reason women tend to oversimplify. Plus, we like poofy stuff.

  23. Haha,

    Have you seen “Along came Polly”? We no longer have any pillows in our bedroom!

  24. pastis, i really feel sorry for those 18 days that you spend on arranging some pillows in your own bed… how ’bout rat killing some pillows to releive your own psyche from that pain?
    or how ’bout you make your wife spend her precious time for making the bed?😉

  25. Tubey looks lonely maybe he need’s a simular shaped friend to join him on the bed.

  26. Is that tubey pillow a life size proportion? Aren’t tubey pillows usually longer?

    Why doesn’t your wife arrange the pillows if she wants them on the bed so badly?

  27. Ever seen “Along Came Polly”? Perhaps a quick viewing of this movie will give you some inspiration on what to do with the pillows.

  28. it’s just a fact of married life that you learn to live with or move on. my dog likes to make a little ‘fort’ with them to hide under.

  29. Hahahah…wow- so hilarious. Look, I don’t even see the sense in making up the bed in the morning cuz you mess it up while you sleep at night anyway- it’s all a pain in the butt waste of time if you ask me…

  30. I know all about pillow. I used to have about the same number of our bed, until my husband said he wouldn’t put them back again. I took over that chore and found it was a waste of time. So, the ten extra pillows made their way to Goodwill. We have two, because we read in bed. And the people pillows are for sleeping.

    Do not give up the fight. Out, out, damned pillows!

    Signed,

    The former pillow queen who no longer gives a rat’s patoot about extra clutter in the bedroom.

  31. That makes me feel better about our 4 extras. Awesome diagram, by the way, I really feel like I’m there. It’s magical.

  32. So that’s what people do when they grow up. People go from the hitting phase to the arranging phase.

    Q: Why should I ever marry if it causes this much strife?

  33. I figure it this way; maybe there are pillows on the bed in multitudes simply to keep you busy so you spend less time making shrouds of Turin on your shower glass.

  34. It’s a pillowpalooza! If you die 18 days earlier than expected, can I have your extra pillows?

  35. The pillows are some sort of XX thing..my wife does same but also sleeps with 5-6 pillows. Hell when you travel. I am always the one to have to call the desk and ask for 4 extra pillows. The looks you get. We also have a stuffed Snoopy who has to live on the made bed. It could be worse. What if YOUR wife wanted Snoopy on there? Not pig or rat…BTW, liked rat in BC but should have been bigger with “sabreteeth”. ?ancient Rattus maximus?

  36. Look at it this way…when you finally snap (as if you haven’t already…), you can build a fort where you can curl up into a little ball and cry. At least, that’s what I’d do. 🙂

  37. holy moly 18 days wow well at least you could build giant forts for the hamsters instead of legos

  38. For your viewing pleasure.

    From Coupling (British comedy)–the Sofa Parasites.

  39. Damm, thats alot of figgin pillows, its total overkill. I can understand your wife wanting 2-4ish extra pillows for decoration, but 12 is just insane. So I feel your pain. I’d say, make her do it and see how she feels…then again I don’t know your wife soooo…

    I keep 4 normal-sized ones on my bed, and I leave them all on my bed when I sleep. 2 lay flat on the bed next to the head board, then the other 2 lay tlited at an angle on the other pillows. Its a queen-size bed, so the other pillows never get in my way, and once in a while I even roll onto them during the night. Sometimes I throw a plush toy or two on my bed just for show when I know I have someone coming over, but thats pretty much it.

  40. Maybe you could try and talk her into getting rid of the #2s, #4s, and #5. Then that would shave off some of your life time wasted doing that.

  41. i’ve been reading your strip these past couple of days and have noticed something very odd.

    a webcomic called The Underfold has done something very similar. I’m sure that you’ve never heard of it, but way back in April it had a storyline featuring a bag-puppet that terrorized a character. take a look : The Underfold

  42. My daughters liked the pillows. My youngest (age 11) said she would put this many on her bed when she’s married someday–provided her husband would make the bed. Then she mused softly, “Tubey, or not Tubey?” before wandering out of the room.
    🙂

  43. You are brilliant. Do what I do: Don’t make the bed. I’m a girl, and I’m telling you it’s ok. Serously. Life’s too short. Mine gets made twice a month when the cleaning lady gets ahold of it and I hate unmaking it, and maybe when we have company.

    Free yourself from the bed oppression.

  44. “Keel da wifey…”

    I laughed so hard, I frightened the dog. Thanks, Abhay James!

  45. Steve…….this is your e mail pal Steve from Wisconsin……nicely ask your WIFE to make the bed. Theyre HER pillows. You could offer to do something in return like, say, wash the dishes……something that actually has meaning and is USEFUL, right? At least you’ll get some value fo r the minutes spent….

  46. Your brother-in-law Pete feels your pain. We have 9. He always asks me why. All I ever do is put them on the bed in the morning and take them all off at night piling them in such a way that the dog can’t get to the expensive fancy trim for a midnight snack. I do it in case someone comes to visit and tours my bedroom so that they will know that I have decorating sense. Pete swears it comes from watching too much HGTV. He is probably right.

    Penny

  47. You mean someone else actually does this too? I thought we were alone in the world. Never figured it out either. They go off onto the floor at night, back on the bed in the a.m. and I can’t lay my head on them in-between (might get ’em dirty). We’ve had two visitors in 15 years, one looking for a lost coon dog, the other a cow. Nobody has ever seen our bedroom. Sigh.

  48. I blame Martha Stewart and TLC/HGN Networks. Look on the brightside, if there is ever a tornado you will have lots of pillows to take to the bathtub with you. As for me, I have 4 pillows. 4 pillows that are gigantic and huge and are used every single night! My real issues is with decorative towels in the bathroom. So much so, that I have small anxiety attacks when I’m at a gathering at someones house…are those towels to use or not to use? And how about hand soaps….they are so pretty am I suppose to use them? So thanks Martha, for the time loss arranging pillows and for the mental stress you cause at gatherings…all for the love of ugly decorating, I suppose!

  49. Oh, now all the other husbands are in so much trouble! Look what Stephan does!

  50. If you play your cards like the Israelis did, you’ll have a bed eight times as large when you’re 75.

  51. Am I gonna have to be the one to say it? Because I think I’m gonna be the one to say it; Why can’t you think of a, uhm, ‘creative’ use for those pillows?

  52. Pingback: What do your pillows say about you? « Interior Blogging

  53. Fourteen is an inauspicious number. Staci really needs to buy two more pillows.

  54. There is no need for this many pillows, not even if you have guests over. At most I’d say two for each person sleeping in the bed and even that is over kill. One pillow is all a person needs to lay their head on.

    Here’s what you need to do with the extra pillows. Get some fireworks, maybe some Roman Candles. Or some fountains. Or mortars/artillery shells. Or bottle rockets/missile batteries. Or some cakes. And extra fuse. Set the fireworks up somewhere and attach the extra fuse so it will give you enough distance to not worry. Then pile the twelve extra ones around the fireworks, making sure they don’t touch that extra fuse cause you don’t want them to snuff out the flame before it gets to the fireworks. Then light that sucker. Bye bye pillows.

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