The Things I Do for Entertainment, or Why You Should Always Wear Your Cal Shirt

My eleven-year-old son goes to school with twins, Zach and Max.  They fear me.

I’m not sure when the tradition started, but when I see them, I chase them, as though I’m going to beat them up.  I don’t know why they think that.  Perhaps it was due to the few times I caught them and beat them up.   I’ve pushed them down, thrown them into the mud, sat on top of them and pulled their hair.

Now before you judge me because I weigh three times what they do, consider this:  There are two of them.

Consider this as well:  I give them immunity if they are wearing a t-shirt that bears the name of my alma mater,  the University of California.  They now each have several.

Last week, they attended a basketball camp with my son at a local high school.  Each was wearing a Cal shirt.  I indicated my satisfaction by uttering our school motto:  “Go Bears.”

The next day, only Max was wearing a Cal shirt.  Life-risking Zach was not.  So as they were both walking to their mom’s car, I went after Zach.

I chased him all over the campus of the high school.  He kept yelling, “My mom forgot to wash it.  My mom forgot to wash it.”

Sadly, the kid could run.  Fast.  I could not catch him.

So Zach returned to his mom’s car.  He sat down in the front passenger’s seat, next to his mom.  His brother Max was in the back seat.

And so was I, crouching down on the floor.

I leaped up and over the seat.

Zach screamed and popped out of his seat like he had been electrocuted.  He popped up so high that the momentum carried him right out the open passenger door.   Due to my cat-like reflexes, I managed to catch his head before it hit the sidewalk, but I had to hop over the front seat to do it.  Both of us went tumbling onto the curb and down into the gutter.

Laying on Zach in the gutter, I noticed the boys’ basketball coach standing on the sidewalk.

He seemed displeased.

I’m not sure why he was displeased.  Sure, a 41-year-old man was crumpled up in the gutter on top of one his star basketball players, who had just screamed at the top of his lungs because that same man had leaped onto his head from the back seat of his mom’s car.  But these things happen.

I haven’t seen Zach and Max since, but I hear Zach fears cars.

And I hear he wears his Cal shirt every day.

Go Bears.

31 thoughts on “The Things I Do for Entertainment, or Why You Should Always Wear Your Cal Shirt

  1. wow…the fact that you seem to have a lot of free time on your hands makes for hilarious reading!!!

    was the twins’ mom in her car while you were waiting to attack her kid?

    got to love parents like that.

    Go Bears!

  2. the coach is an obvious jock. jocks are notorious for their lack of a sense of humor and for their intolerance for non-jocks.

    Zach has learned his lesson and that is what counts. period.

    Go Bears.

  3. You are one strange dude. That’s why I love reading your cartoon and blog. Don’t ever become “normal”

  4. Hilarious! Also, does their mom not care that you chase around her preteen sons??

  5. How your kid Tom is not embarrassed I do not know . . . it must be good parenting d:

  6. Oh, my goodness, you are hilarious. And please don’t come anywhere near my sons.

    Go Bears (and Longhorns)!

  7. Note to self, if every in California again, get a Cal shirt JUST IN CASE.

    Er, go Bears?

  8. Oh my gosh that was hilarious! My boyfriend does something similar with his best friends son, but it involves either water guns or nerf guns. Totally hilarious.

  9. Don’t they have child protection out there in the land of the fruit and nuts?

    CP hires disgruntled postal workers, so beware. No sense of humor, none, zilch-ola.

    Fortunately you’re creative enough so that your infraction may not even be listed in their Big Book of Bad Things..

    You need a super soaker. Last thing they’d expect.
    Just don’t get the one that looks just like an Uzi..

  10. Since the nickname for the dreaded Chicago football team is also the Bears, I would find it impossible to conform with Stephen’s demand. Instead, I would carry a Ham and use it as Rat would when he is confronted.

  11. you my friend have problems. I am having trouble figuring out if your life is funnier or Pearls.

  12. I actually have a pair of twins living near me named Zach and Max. Zach is a close friend of my sister’s best friend, who is also named Zach. None of them own Cal Bears T-shirts. Zach (the twin) has a perchant for getting himself injured.

    Make of that what you will.

  13. That’s very funny.
    Though I hope for Max’s sake that you exagerated.
    But if he picks on your kid, than I hope you weren’t.

  14. This seems like a clever way to brainwash the youth in your area into attending your college or university. I had just been taking my brother to my alma mater’s football games when I was back in town. I had no idea I could threaten to beat the crap out of him.

  15. So, does the mother mind you harass your kids? I think if I were a mom, and I knew you as a parent as a parent of a friend of said child, I’d possibly be okay with it, and think it was really funny.

    But, you know, some moms are uptight.

    Hope that one wasn’t. =)

  16. I can honestly say you’re my hero and I look up to you.
    Thank you for brightening up my day with your sense of humor.

    By the way: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE CUBS!!

  17. Zach better hope that he doesn’t end up going to Stanfurd when he grows up, or he could have a full-time stalker on his hands.. not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  18. So funny I “Snaggly Whiplash” laughed several times until the the corners of my eyes were wet with tears! Yer the best! Go Bears!

  19. OMG! I stopped TWICE reading through this post to go show my sister and tell her to read it!

    This is by far the funniest one! I can just imagine this happening!

    I need to buy Cal shirts! GO BEARS!

  20. seriously? how did i not know this blog existed before today?!?!

    i was laughing so hard i couldn’t even see the computer screen. the mental images produced will be cherished for a lifetime.

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