An Entertainment News Scoop That You Read Here First

Three weeks ago, I went to a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

I sat in the third row.

Before the show, the producer told everyone in the first three rows that when Jay walked out we needed to rush the stage and high-five Jay.  And we had to be enthusiastic about it.

I could not do it.  I could not act excited just because someone wanted me to act excited.  I would make a bad trained seal.

So when Jay came out, everyone from the first three rows rushed forward and high-fived him.

Except for me.

I was the only person in the first three rows who was still in his seat.  Which was fine.  Except for the fact that in choosing this to be my Rosa Parks moment, I hadn’t calculated how odd it would look for one guy to be sitting all by himself while everyone else was screaming enthusiastically in front of the stage.

I tried to clap, but it looked fraudulent.  If I liked the guy so much, why wasn’t I rushing the stage?  So I stopped clapping.

Then I looked really odd.

So I stood up and put my hands in my coat pockets.  But then I looked like an assassin.

So I took my hands out of my pockets and just stood there.  I looked up intently, like I was a maintenance man checking for leaks.

I stared at all the heavy lighting equipment that hung over my head.  I thought about how much it would hurt if one of those lights fell on my head.  I thought about whether someone could make one of the lights fall on a person’s head if that person was not rushing the stage enthusiastically.

Then I looked straight ahead.  I saw Jay high-fiving all of the enthusiastic people that used to be sitting around me.

And then Jay saw me.

At least I think he saw me.  The lone guy who refused to rush the stage.  The one person who was not as enthusiastic about him as everyone else.

One week later, Jay Leno quit the Tonight Show.

37 thoughts on “An Entertainment News Scoop That You Read Here First

  1. I discovered your blog a couple of days ago and you’ve had me giggling ever since. I love your take on life and I’m reassured by the fact that I’m not the only ‘non-participant’ out there.

  2. Nice one, Stephan! Now we’ve got Conan to replace him – who probably relishes on nobody rushing the stage to “high five” him.

  3. What! No comments?! This blog is hilarious. What’s wrong with you people!

    Glad to have found you.🙂 My deepest sympathies regarding your part in dethroning Leno. What a weight to bear.

    Your fan,
    ~ Cyndi
    God Nuggets Blog

  4. Shame, shame… causing a comedy star to quit his job.
    Getting rid of the competition, I see.

  5. Hey, you at least got to go while he was still host! Man, I’d love to see what you would do (or rather, WOULDN’T do) as an audience member on the Colbert Show.

    Better yet, just be one of Colbert’s guests. That way you have to genuflect the guy while there . . . just an awkward handshake . . .

  6. Hahaahahahahahahahhahaahhahahhha OMG thanks for this, it had me laughing so hard my boyfriend started getting worried.

  7. Your funniest post yet. I was guffawing out loud by half way through and didn’t let up. I think part of it is because I can’t stand Jay Leno and to see someone poke a finger in his eye of arrogance – well, that’s just rich. I love it!

  8. Don’t take it personally, Stephan. He was going to quit whether you high-fived him or not. It was just your dumb luck to get third row seats.

  9. How utterly “Rat” of you..

    There are times, when being Pig is more socially acceptable. Being Pig would have allowed you to mindlessly go with the tide.

    WWPD.. What would Pig do? It’s an outlook on life that lets you act like a moron, join the other lemmings without shame..

    WWPD? It’s alot less painful in the long run..

  10. You really should seriously think about writing a book. Your anecdotes are hilarious.

  11. I don’t blame you. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he had you in mind when he decided to quit.

  12. Spreading joy to the rest of the world as usual, I see.

  13. Misanthrope seeks anonymity in crowd yet wants to stand out and be noticed. Troubling.

  14. I was wondering what the real reason he left was. Interesting. It was really weird and all when he just up and quit, just like that, with no warning whatsoever!

  15. Maybe we can get you on a taping of American Idol and you can assassinate that show too.

  16. So! You’re the reason we have to endure Conan? Don’t worry, I’m sure most of your readers, including myself, would have done the same thing!

  17. Well played. I think I would have faked a nap, or a seizure. The pun strip that ran today was definitely the best of its kind.

  18. That last line just made me burst out laughing in my cubicle. Now everyone in the cubicle farm thinks I’m a wierdo. Thanks a lot.

  19. For some reason, this story brings to mind the times in church where, toward the start of the service, the preacher says “greet someone in front of or behind you and say ‘Welcome to _____ Church, I’m glad you’re here today!'”. This is the time where I conveniently slip out to the bathroom. I don’t like forced participation and putting on a fake smile…especially on the days I’d rather punch someone in the nose and say “All I heard was ‘blah blah blah’ welcome”. Long live rat!

  20. Maybe those idiots in the “Fire David Letterman” group will hire you.

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