The Disorienting Effects of Early Morning Perkiness

Last week, I stood in an airport security line at 5:30 a.m.

The man behind me in the security line was whistling.

It was an act against God, nature and eternal goodness.

Angered and disoriented by this stranger’s perky arrogance, I entered the men’s room.  And there, I witnessed a second act against God and nature:

A woman standing in my men’s room.

Short-haired and stocky, she was just androgynous enough for me to question if I’d pegged her sex wrong.  Trying not to stare, I made the turn from the sink area to the stalls.

And saw a second woman.

And stopped.

And realized I was standing in the women’s room.

I blame the perky guy.

32 thoughts on “The Disorienting Effects of Early Morning Perkiness

  1. That’s why *I* carry a can of mace–just for the purpose of eliminating the public menace of Morning Pollyannas.

    Nothing takes that spring out of someone’s step, or decimates the vim and vigour of a morning-person’s day like a nice facial dose of 2-butanol, propylene glycol, cyclohexene, dipropylene glycol methyl ether with a sprinkle of Oleoresin Capsicum right in the kisser.

  2. I did something similar once…at the movie theater bathroom. Walked in…thought to myself “Hmmm they have remodeled this since the last time I was here…there are no urinals now just stalls.” I sat down started to do my business when I heard the female voices of women who came in after me. I then thought to myself “Oght Oh!”

  3. I am totally with you on this one. I had a sign up in my last office which read “Thank you for not being perky”.

    Unfortunately, I no longer work in an office that appreciates the finer points of sarcasm.

    As for accidentally finding oneself in the ladies’ room… I plead the Fifth.

  4. Was the guy even GOOD at whistling? Because I’m guessing that what’s even worse than early morning perkiness is early morning perkiness that grates the ears.

    And I’m guessing you didn’t notice the lack of urinals . . . .

  5. Ah, Stephan…that gave me quite the chuckle. We perky people can be quite distracting.
    Was the whistling wonder before or after the “woman who took all the words?” That would have been some day for you. Maybe you should avoid airports & airplanes and just drive yourself all over the country. Might make your trips more enjoyable. 🙂

    Love your strip and blog. Keep up the great work!

  6. I blame those security guards at the checkpoint…they should have stopped you. I guess that shows how much those rent-a-cops pay attention.

  7. Wow, I am exactly like when confronted with Perkiness, except I usually punch the perky guy

  8. As we say in the South … Bless your heart!

    Which, roughly translated, means in the sweetest way possible … You doofus!

  9. Pod Commentare`.

    You are officially one of the smartest people on the earth, pastis.

  10. Whenever I’m in a public place and have to use the restroom, I always check to see if there are urinals when I walk in. Mens’ rooms are (usually) the only places that have ’em.

  11. hahaha… nice. That would be a good news headline:

    Stephan Pastis arrested after bursting into the women’s room.

  12. An airport is the only place I’ve ever walked into the women’s room thinking it was the men’s. I distinctly remember being confused as to why they had removed the urinals.

  13. Beer will do that as well. Had a buddy, who had a few, accidentally use the women’s room. When we pointed it out to him, he replied, “That’d explain all the women in there.”

  14. Same thing happened to me back in college. We were at the local pizza and beer joint and I had to visit the restroom, which was in the basement. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I looked to the left and saw the letters “MEN”. I went in and entered a stall. While I was sitting there, someone with obviously female shoes entered the stall next to mine. I didn’t know what was up, but I figured I would stay put until she was gone. Then, she asked me to pass some TP under the partition!! I managed this without giving myself away. Eventually, she finished and I heard the water in the sink run for a bit, and then all was quiet. After waiting a bit, I peeked over the door just to make sure the coast was clear, and there she was checking her makeup!!! Our eyes met, I ducked, and she scurried out. As I left the restroom, I realized that the first two letters of “woMEN” had been obscured by the door frame. “MEN” was across the hall.

    As I went back upstairs, I passed her group’s table and winked at her.

  15. Oh, that was you!
    I shared a similar situation with a woman at the next sink in the airport “ladies’ room”. We were washing our hands facing an enormous mirror and in the mirror we see the reflection of a man walking past us and into a stall. She and I looked at each other,smirked and then turned back to the mirror. At that moment the man came flying out of the stall, making a mad dash to the exit. She and I looked at each other, shrugged and followed him out.

  16. All I could do when reading this was snicker.

    In a bar one time, I went into the mens room and there were men using the urinals. I was so embarrased and then one tried talking to me while he is doing his “business” at the urinal. I don’t think he realized I wasn’t there to pick up a man.

    I went back to my table, grabbed my purse and took off without a word.

  17. THIS is now my official favorite blog, due almost entirely to this post. No pressure to keep it up at all.

  18. On my first date with my ex-husband after having too many beers, I walked in on him in the mens room. He always said that was the best first date ever. I was surprised he ever even looked at me again.

  19. Add people who idly chat in elevators. It’s 7 am, I’m not awake, the 2nd cup of coffee hasn’t kicked in and I’m just not interested in chatting. What part of that do they not understand..

    and what the heck does “have a good one” mean. A good What?

    At that time of day a good one involves a newspaper and an empty bathroom. I dunno why do I need coaching?

  20. A couple of years ago when I was on the alumni association board of the high school from which I graduated in 1986, I was back on campus for a meeting. Being a high school teacher myself, I always like to come for part of the school day if I can, just to see and hear life in another school, so I’d taken a personal day and spent the afternoon hanging out with one of my old teachers and watching his classes. When the bell rang at the end of the day’s last class, I headed for the bathroom before going up to the library to wait for my meeting. The men’s room I went to was a small one, just one urinal and two stalls, that I’d always preferred when I was a student because it was kind of out-of-the way and thus cleaner. I went in, noting that the urinal had been replaced with a third stall. Handicapped accessibility, I thought, and went in and took a leak. I came out, washed my hands, and was just drying them when a group of four or five high school girls came in, talking animatedly, and stopped dead to see an unfamiliar middle-aged man in what was (duh!) now a WOMEN’S bathroom. Fortunately, feeling secure in their numbers, they challenged me instead of screaming and running, and I was able to explain myself rather than being arrested.

  21. My mom did that at an ice skating rink. Only, she went into the men’s room and the guy behind her went into the women’s room because he thought my mom could read without glasses on. Turns out, she couldn’t. I felt bad for the guy when he backed out of the doorway, red as a tomato. Naturally, Mom wasn’t embarrassed at all. BTW, that perky guy might have been my dad. He always whistles at the airport.

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