I Have Hit Upon Something Huge Here

I’ve noticed that all my problems have one thing in common:  They are caused by other people.

Armed with that knowledge, I have conducted my life with one central tenet in mind:

Avoid people.  Especially the ones you know.

Key to this strategy is the drive-thru line at my local Starbucks.  Instead of encountering a minimum of twenty other humans, you encounter just one, the person who works the window.  Encountering just one person instead of twenty eliminates 19 possible problems.  That has win all over it.  I’m hoping that one day technology will be able to eliminate that one person, but until that day, a man can only dream.

But this morning I had a revelation.  Why do we limit drive-thru lines to food and drink?  Why not expand it to all social interaction?

The social interaction I have in mind is the wedding.

Weddings have all three things any right-thinking person dreads in this life:  1) relatives; 2) speeches and 3) relatives.  Topping this off is the fact that you have to buy these people something from the most expensive line of china these idiots could find and you’ve got the making of a tragedy.

Hence the drive-thru.

You would pull your car up to a window, where the bride and groom would be waiting.  You greet them. You say congratulations.  You hand them the gift.  You drive off.

Even better, do it at a Taco Bell during operating hours.  Then you kill two birds with one stone.  You give the wedding gift.  They hand you a taco and chalupa.

I am off to suggest this to some of wife’s relatives who are getting married this summer.  I hope they recognize brilliance when they hear it.

27 thoughts on “I Have Hit Upon Something Huge Here

  1. My great uncle once suggested that instead of having a funeral and a whole big reception afterwards that everyone is handed a McDonald’s coupon for a free hamburger. No fuss, no talking to relatives. Sounded good to him, sounds good to me.

  2. Quite possibly the best idea ever!

    Too bad you hadn’t thought of it before my in-laws tried to force my wife and I to get married in their backyard in Petaluma (viva Las Vegas)!

    Catch 22 though…. Getting married is possibly the antithesis of avoiding the “people you know.”

  3. Um, you should change that “you would” to a “you can” in your example of how a drive thru wedding chapple would work, because they actually have a few in Las Vegas (http://www.lasvegasweddinginformer.com/drive_thru_chapels). I guess this just goes to show that all great ideas have already been done.

    I am also aware of some drive thru liquor stores, so that is out too.

    Sorry about that.

  4. I always thought it would be cool to have a drive through for angry, tourette-syndrome prone people. A guy could pull up to the speaker and bark, “Gimme some @!#!%ing cheap-ass crap NOW! NOW! NOW!

  5. Better yet, the angry-person drive through would also have angry customer service people.

    Customer – Gimme some gawd-damned crap burgers right @#%!ing now, you steaming pile of fecal matter!

    Cashier – Well don’t just sit there you stupid passage for food, drive yer ragged-ass around and pay at the %$#!ing window, for crap’s sake!!!

  6. Totally my philosophy on life too! It’s the biggest reason why I buy stuff online, less people staring at you thinking your going to steal something…

  7. If only they could have a drive through system so people would stopping by my office to talk about nothing. Oh yeah, it’s called email.

  8. Danial & Maria – when I read your posts, my beverage went all over the floor when I spilled it after laughing like a loon. Give everyone a coupon for a free burger at your funeral? Holy Crap that is funny! and drivethru for tourettes syndrome? OMG I about piddled on the floor is was so funny.

    And North Dakota does have drive thru liquour stores I am proud to say. For those who ain’t got the time to get plowed at a bar and THEN drive. You drive and then get drunk on the drive home. My father in law gets “to go” cups at his favorite bar here.

  9. Cake.

    You forgot the cake.

    I give a gift.

    I get cake.

    Or the whole deal is off and I keep the gift.

    It’s a pretty dumb idea until you add in cake.

  10. my plan is…if I ever find my sorry ass in the position to get married is to do it at the drive thru chapel in VEGAS man!!!!!!!!
    You mean you want to franchise them…good idea…let’s get started…

  11. to take it even further the bride, priest and groom could just text each other the vows.

    Bridalbabe194: I do.
    GroomofDoom666: I do.
    FatherAwesome368: I now pronounce you husband and wife.

  12. Wow, this sounds like my wedding from 2 months ago. We got married in the road before the St Patricks Parade, then rode down the parade in a carriage. Our friends and family got there, said hello, the ceremony was 5 minutes, the parade was an hour, and then if people wanted they could meet us at an Irish pub afterward. Then some people met us back at our friends’ house for pizza after that. Done.


  13. Huh….I hope your wife’s relative’s don’t run you through a food processor and feed you to their chihauhau if they get the chance. 🙂

  14. I have a feeling your relatives don’t particularly appreciate your good ideas.

  15. Hey Stephan, have you ever seen the “Neurotically Yours” web series? (http://illwillpress.com/) I ask because I see a lot of similarities between Rat and Foamy the squirrel. Plus, I’d be happy to have either of them as my lord and master. Cheers :3

  16. There was once a fad and I loved it. It was called E-cards. Then the hackers messed it all up by sending their viruses though e-cards. It was free. It was easy. I think the hacker was Mrs. Guisewite (the Elder).

    No, I’m not trying to get you in trouble again with Cathy.

  17. ROFLMAO!!!!! Beekay, you are tooooo funny!!! I snorted orange juice on my computer screen! Bridalbabe, GroomofDoom, and FatherAwesome! I can totally see this wedding!

  18. It’s lovely to see someone as antisocial as me. Weddings suck. If I ever get married, it’s going to be at the courthouse so I don’t have to talk to supposed relatives I’ve never met.

  19. @joshua —

    Are you saying Normal people had a wedding at a Taco Bell?

  20. Go to Vegas – you can get a drive thru wedding – dress like Elvis and Prisella just to add to the impact.

  21. They actually have drive-through weddings in Vegas. You & fiancée drive up, show ID, exchange vows or whatever, and you’re married. It seems so pathetic.

  22. But why not eliminate the drive thru, too? Why not have a robot deliver ypur burgers/tacos/coffee to your door? This would thus eliminate having to go through traffic, so that you wouldn’t have to deal with idiots on the road!

  23. Pingback: Senseless in Seattle « The Unexpected Traveller’s Blog

  24. Pingback: Senseless in Seattle - The Unexpected Traveller's Blog

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