A Contemplation of All That is Dwarfish

I have been in a philosophical mood of late.  Thinking a lot of deep thoughts.

Foremost among these thoughts has been which of the Seven Dwarves I’d most like to be stuck on a desert island with.

Easiest to cross off the list is Sneezy.  All repetitive noises drive me insane.  After an hour of that bearded weirdo sneezing, I’d be forced to kill him.

Next is Sleepy, with a qualifier.  I am assuming based upon his age, fatness and general poor health, Sleepy is also Snorey.  That falls under the heading of repetitive noise.   Nightie night to Sleepy.

Happy is an absolute no-go.  The last thing I want to see when I get up in the morning is a perky dwarf.  I’d kill him faster than Sneezy.

Doc is tempting, due to his smarts.  But he is also the fattest of the bunch.  And I fear he’d devise clever ways to steal my food.  So nix Doc.

Dopey’s sweetness and stupidity is an intriguing combo.  I could exploit that to steal his food.  He also doesn’t talk, which is a double bonus.  But he smiles a lot, and that alone makes him intolerable.

Grumpy is great on an abstract, philosophical level.  Like me, he hates people, so he won’t be perky in the morning.  But I fear this island is only big enough for one misanthrope, so he’s got to go.

That leaves me with my pick:  Bashful.  Given that he is overly self-conscious, I will make fun of him on Day One.  I will point out his overly-effeminate eyes and stupid dwarfish garb, wholly inappropriate for island life.  He will be so mortified that he will flee to the other side of the island and hide under a bush, where he will most likely remain until eaten by natives.

These are the thoughts on my mind.

35 thoughts on “A Contemplation of All That is Dwarfish

  1. Ok, you dismiss Doc because he is the fatest and would devise clever ways to steal your food, but think of it this way – he is the fatest, so if you have to eat your island companion because you ran out of food, he would be the best choice. Not that I condone eating fictional dwarves or anything. Plus, he is a doctor, so he could help if you were sick or injured, and would probably also be good and finding food in the first place, again, because he is fat.

  2. I’m afraid I fall into the Grumpy profile too.

    I’d probably have to share an island with sleepy, and the quietly suffocate him with the coconut fibre pillow while he’s REMming.

  3. Can I get the island with Snow White? Mmmmm, baby!

    Yeah. Disney princess. Uh huh.

    (snaps out of it)

    Oh, sorry.

  4. Is it just a coincidence that today on the Pearls page a day calendar is also about the seven dwarfs?

  5. I would pick Dopey, because you could just tell him to wipe that stupid smile off his face and he’d do it!

  6. Oh sure, Bashful. But remember what they say about the shy and quiet types. Therein may lie a serial killer. And while he may be hiding under that bush, he might also be hatching a plot to kill you.

  7. Oh, I forgot to mention: maybe this is the open door to a new Pearls story about the dwarves…?

  8. And this is why I’m worried about you.
    How can you not like DOPEY?!?! He’s so cute!
    Wait… did I really just ask you why you don’t like something cute?
    I’m kinda worried about myself too.

  9. Since it is a desert island, there’s probably not much food to worry about. A better idea is to take all of them with you and build an island resort. Given their personalities they are a ready made resort staff anyway. Then you can spend the days on the golf course with Snow White

  10. You, my friend, are a few bananas short of a fruit shake. You poor, poor, fruit shake. I will waste no time contemplating this useless topic. I’d rather be with Doc. He would devise clever traps for the cannibalistic natives. Then we would eat the natives and become cannibals ourselves. Then we would force the remaining natives as our slaves and have them build a boat for our journey home.

  11. Haha! That’s wrong on so many levels…. Next up: Which Pearls charecter would you take?

  12. You could choose Doc and then cripple his feet a la Stephen King’s Misery. That way he’d pretty much be under your control.

  13. I’m not sure if you noticed (maybe it was intentional) but when you discuss Sleepy’s merits, you say the following: “I am assuming based upon his age, fatness and general poor health, Sleezy is also Snorey.” Sleezy is also Snorey. That typo cracked me up!!!!! I then thought how funny that would be for the 8th dwarf!

  14. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Typical Rat thoughts! 🙂

    Congratulations man! I’m one of your work aficionados. Thanks for sharing more of your “thoughts” here in the blog.


  15. If there are natives then why don’t you get to choose who they are? Also, I think it would be more fun to insult an ignorant mute like Dopey because he can’t respond and you can scream at him as much as you want. Also when you eat him with the natives it’ll take him a while before he realizes that it’s not good to be tied to a stick above a fire. Just my opinion.

  16. Posts like this make this blog worthwhile to read

    Dopey would be much more interesting, he would do anything you tell him making him an invaluable slave

  17. well, I just checked in to see what I’ve been missing in Pearls..I’m in St. John for 2 weeks of glorious going native doing nothing. Unfortunately, the Times Digest hasn’t seen fit to add PBS to their fare. I think it would vastly improve the paper. Today’s blog is just one example of that. Who needs Maureen Dowd when we could be reading a debate about the dwarves. Please cover next which of Gilligan’s Island characters YOU would most want to be marooned with. Seriously, the hobby idea has merit…

  18. I remembered The Black Stallion, the movie, in which the boy was trapped on a deserted island with a horse. He befriended the horse and became it’s jockey. The movie would have ended sooner if I had been that boy on the island.

    However I wouldn’t eat a dwarf.

  19. Ha ha! But wouldn’t you rather be thinking about sharing a deserted island with Cinderella, Snow White, or Rapunzel? I know I would…oops…I am!

  20. I have often asked myself if Steve Pastis and the Seven Dwarves were competing in a Survivor type competition, who would win. I always come back to Dopey. He looks stupid, but deep down he is a ruthless psychopath.

    And don’t underestimate Bashful. I hear that off the set, he moonlights as a ninja.

  21. Finally, a soul as demented as me. I hate perky people too, Mr. Patsis…honoured to have so much in common.

  22. Dopey’s a good choice because you could easily manipulate him into gathering food for you and perhaps fanning you with giant ferns.

  23. Quiet Desperation, I though of Snow White too, but decided she’s probably way too high-maintenance to live on an island with. Unless said island has a Macy’s or something.

  24. The person talking about the fruitshakes is not sane, but they were right about the bananas. dumb hypocrite.

  25. Beekay’s comment about Doc helping to set traps for the cannibalistic natives is a good idea, so you could then turn the tables, so to speak, and eat them. On the other hand, what if there were no cannibals? I was thinking in the short term, that Doc would be the best since, as he’s the fattest, you could kill *him* immediately, and salt away all that extra meat.

    And yes, I’d be happy to share with either Snow White or the evil queen if they showed up. Or both.

    Mmmmmmm, both.

  26. Stephan,

    I have this weird feeling that you are stealing the themes I use in our jokes at the Caveman Cafe here in Erbil.

    We have been on Dwarves for a few weeks now…and I am not certain, but I suspect you have been reading MY blog and taking jokes from there.

    Well, in the interest of ‘innocent until proven insane’, I will give you one more.

    A guy is driving along the Washington DC beltway, in stop and go traffic….He is a bit distracted by an NPR interview with Mohammed Ali (aka Cassius Clay), and rear-ends the car in front of him as the traffic slows to a halt.

    Out of the car in front jumps a small man (aka dwarf), screaming “I’m not happy, I’m not happy!!!!!”

    The guy then says, “Well if you’re not Happy, then which one ARE you?”

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