I May Be Single By This Time Next Week

My wife Staci’s birthday is next week.  So I went to the grocery store to get her a cake.  The woman in the bakery section handed me a notebook of possible cake designs.  The whole first half of the book contained various types of birthday cakes.  Boring.

But in the back of the book were much more interesting cakes.  Non-birthday cakes.  St. Patrick’s Day cakes, Thanksgiving cakes, Father’s Day cakes.   After a great deal of thought,  I chose the Hanukkah cake.  On it is a big Menorah.

I should mention that we’re not Jewish.  Nor is her name “Stan,”  which is the name I gave the bakery woman to put on the cake.

I’m not even sure she knows what “shalom” means, which is too bad because that’s the special message that will be written next to the word “Stan.”

Before you start calling me immature and insensitive, you should know that I’m getting her a really nice present.

It’s a ladder from Home Depot.

I hope Stan likes ladders.


37 thoughts on “I May Be Single By This Time Next Week

  1. Somehow she must be expecting something like this since she married you and supposedly knows your sense of humor. Of course, if she reads your blog the surprise is ruined.

    Just in case, Shalom Milchamah


  2. Pastis, my man, Ladders for the wife are only for real special occassions, such as a 25th wedding aniversary and so forth. See if you can get a trade in for a real nice circular saw or that shop-vac with the dual wheels. Now that says “Happy Birthday Dear”. 😛

  3. It’s the thought that counts, right? I can so totally relate, for my 40th birthday hubs got me an electric hedge trimmer. Once I got through laughing, I threw it at him! The next day he bought me my favorite perfume and a bottle of really good Chardonnay.

    BTW, I really did want that clipper, but wasn’t about to let him know! 😉

    Good Luck Steph, I’m sure she will love everything!

  4. I made a birthday cake for my sister-in-law once. I also bought a pack of those pre-made pretty pink candy letters. I spelled out, “Happy Birthday, You Irish Whore” in the freshly-spread icing My wife was quite shocked, but I think my sister-in-law got a kick out of it. She’s become an expert out of laughing through clenched-teeth.

  5. That poor, poor woman. She must have a particularly good sense of humour to put up with your shenanigans. However, I must credit you with at least ordering a cake. My last birthday, I got Season Two of “Heroes” in a plastic bag with the receipt still in it and a pack of orbit gum. At LEAST it wasn’t something from the hardware store tho.

  6. Something tells me that Stephan is a dead man next week. Hope you like sleeping on an air mattress in the living room with a blanket covered in dog hair.

  7. I would be thrilled if I got a ladder for my birthday. But seeing as we have Mini Cooper, I have no idea how it would get to our house. To dream! The impossible dream!

  8. For the lady who you claim beleives you’re not funny at all, that’s a HILARIOUS (if dangerous) gift.

    You’ve got gall, Pastis, not to mention my respect.

  9. I once had “gumby owie doe-ie” (my family’s response to “okie dokie pokie”) written on my mother’s bday cake. The bakery called to confirmed, then still didn’t write it till I showed up in person to confirm. My mother loved it!

    I’d think a menorah/hebrew cake would be awesome – hope your wife does too!

  10. I’ve got the solution to save your marriage… Just give her a signed copy of “The Saturday Evening Pearls”, throw in a Plush Rat, and she’s yours forever!

  11. Stephan, Stephan, Stephan. She must truly love you, but if you value your life and any future Pearls has please, please, please thrown in the plush…all of them…

  12. Well, you can always tell her it’s a belated April Fool’s joke. That might spare you some whippin’s.

  13. Dude – you can crash on my couch if you’re in Phoenix. Once the swelling goes down and you can effectively see out of both eyes, just head East until the people are dressed like it’s L.A.

    Bro’s before Ho’s!

    Might want to bring the ladder just in case my wife won’t let us sneak out to the pub.

  14. I think that idea is hilarious and took a lot more thought then just getting a “run of the mill” birthday cake!

  15. Pastis, duck all flying porcupines. She may have quite a few saved up for this event.

  16. I can relate. I got my little brother a flashlight covered the lens with magic marker and told him it was a light saber. Serves him right for liking Star Wars.

  17. I nearly plotzed when I read that…
    when special occasions roll around i my family I make sure to get the non appropriate card for it…
    like usually I get mom a nice foreign language card.
    Also Bat mitsva cards are fun when you can find them..

  18. My wife really wanted a chain saw for her birthday. She was mad about the tennis bracelet. Go figure

  19. My funniest birthday cake from my parents: Dad told the bakery, “put a happy birthday sticker on it.” They wrote “Happy Birthday, Sticker!” on the cake. Now it’s an ongoing joke with the family; I tell my parents I want a Sticker Cake for my birthday. They get the same cake from the same bakery, though we’ve never asked them to rename me again. Maybe I should ask for “Shalom” this time, even if I’m not Jewish? 😉

  20. I’m really hoping that your wife doesn’t liken herself to Larry’s wife… if so, with today’s comic (4/7) you may be in for even more trouble.

  21. I wish I was married to you. I thought this was totally hilarious! There is nothing sexier than a sense of humor. Drop me a line if it doesn’t work out!

  22. I am not sure you will still think you are such a genius right after you open up your next birthday presents.

  23. When my brother turned 16 my mother bought him a cake that said “Happy Bar Mitzvah Melvin”. We aren’t Jewish either, and my brother, Jon was at a total loss as to what to say about the cake. So was the lady at the store who decorated it. She asked my mother how to spell Bar Mitzvah and my mother told her she had no idea.

    Hope Stan had a fabulous birthday!

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