Freak Woman, Storytime and Croissants

Today the customer standing in front of me at Starbucks ordered her drink and the Starbucks employee did not hear it correctly.

The customer said, “Sorry.  I’ve been sick.  And my voice is a bit nasal-ey.”

Already, too much information.  But she went on.

Oh, did she go on.

Freak Woman launched into a one-minute long tale about her husband, her illness, her voice and something funny that her kid said.  I’m not sure what compelled her to think it was “Storytime at Stephan’s Starbucks,” but think it she did.

And all nine of us in line behind her got to listen.

Worse, the three employees behind the counter all felt compelled to stop what they were doing and listen to Freak Woman.  Their faces all said, “Please.  Tell me more.”

I wish she had turned around and seen my face.

It said, “I want to shove your head into the croissant counter.”

So if by chance you were that woman this morning in Santa Rosa, California, please stop telling stories at my Starbucks.

I’d hate to mess up a counterful of perfectly nice croissants.

39 thoughts on “Freak Woman, Storytime and Croissants

  1. Wow, you’re evil. That’s awesome.

    I’m sorry I’m having such a hard time finding the right words to express my awe at your evilness, I’ve been having a tough week, you see. First I got this weird infection on my foot, and it’s really painful and then I found out my husband cheated on me with one of his old HS friends from Facebook and….

  2. Dang. This woman gets around! She is a frequent visitor to Austin. I have stood behind her in line. In fact, I have stood behind her in lots of places. Probably wherever there is a Starbucks, she is there. And that “tell me more” look from behind the counter? They must teach that in Starbucks school.

  3. First off,what in the hell were you doing IN a Starbucks in the first place? (lol)

    What I would have done is start coughing uncontrollably, very close behind her…usually I find that makes people move rather rapidly away…. snicker.

  4. Hmm, I’ve been lucky at my Petaluma Starbucks….so far. Although I think she may shop at our Safeway. No, wait, that’s the woman who not only writes a check in the 10 Item or Less line but also can’t figure out the total when she wants to add $15 cash back. I suppose it’s still more pleasant than hearing the word “nasal-ey.”

  5. I feel your pain but, dude, multiple croissant violation is a far greater crime than what she did. Next time make sure to fine your happy place. You know, the one with the endless supply of fresh, hot, buttery croissants. Well, OK, maybe that’s just *my* happy place.

  6. @Sacha

    If Stephan were channelling Rat, we would be reading about how a famous cartoonist was arrested for assault by whacking an unnamed female victim with various pastries and baked goods…

    I think he was more channelling Goat…

  7. Just wanted to say I loved Pearls today. We have a cable monopoly in my area and it blows, and I seriously wish I could shoot a hedge hog out of a cannon at them.

  8. We have many, many old people here in North Dakota. It’s like Florida except with snow and pale white Lutherans. They insist on telling anyone how bad their angina, arthritis, etc is and that the coffee is too hot. Could you shoot a hedgehog this way? We don’t have them here. Closest is a gopher or badger.

    Throwing hedgehogs could be animal cruetly. Make sure before you throw one, that it died of natural causes.

  9. The people at my Starbucks have that look too, cus they are ALWAYS so perky, first thing in the morning. I always smile and remember that perky people go to hell.

  10. Oh I hope the next time you go to Starbucks this escalates into something epic . . . if only for my (and the others here’s) entertainment😉

    Sorry, but I’m an enabler . . . and I’m really not that sorry d:

  11. Perhaps a little “too much” java for the artist this morning? I believe we’ll see this in a future strip when rat returns to the coffee cafe, eh?

  12. Stephan, I’m not really sure why people think you are evil or cranky. These thoughts happen to me too. However, I discovered this magical place called New York City. Not only are these Starbucks Line Ladies few and far between, but there are awesome people called True New Yorkers that have no problems telling people when they are annoyed. My suggestion: Look into moving here.

    lol

  13. Stephen,

    What you should have done is this….You should have passed some of that foul gas (that you had on the plane) and then gone on to tell everyone about your chronic gatrointestinal problems that resulted from drinking too many Grande Lattes!

  14. Wow.. This is actually quite similar to how my mother acts… I just didn’t know there were more of them (people who offer their life stories to random strangers).

  15. I’m the person who screams really loudly and uncontrollably on roller coasters. Just wanted to say sorry.

  16. Gutless. No one said anything to this lady? You only encouraged her “pointless storytime drivel-fest”. Next time try, “Excuse me sneezy, I think the plague-infected line is over there.” No one will look you in the eye, but when need coffee quickly, you need to speak up.

  17. OMG… I took a CPR/First Aid course with that woman…
    Every member of her family or herself had had every condition/injury that the teacher talked about and we all got to hear about it all… in detail…
    She made a case for NOT learning CPR…

  18. The only way Freak Woman could have been worse, if she was talking on her cell phone yet at the same time she was telling her life story. Had that happen to me in the grocery store. It’s amazing how many ways one can think up using Cauliflower as a deadly weapon.

  19. I know of a small duck that would be more than willing to take care of these annoying people for you…pro bono even!
    On an unrelated note, how do you typically get your strips to the publisher/newspapers? You hand draw everything, but do you then have to mail or do you scan them digitally and email? Just curious how technology is used in comics.

  20. Wow, that is so funny. I think Rat made the same threat against France at one time.

  21. So? you’ve failed to save the world because you’ve waited for several minutes? jees, you are really mean

  22. There’s one of those women in every Starbuck’s – they hire them to entertain the staff.

    That’s why I go to Dunkin’ Donuts.

  23. Sometimes you just do what has to be done. One counterful of croissants is a small sacrifice to make when you’re battling stupid people.

  24. You do what you have to do sometimes. One counterful of croissants is a small price to pay in the ongoing battle against stupid people.

  25. Thank God someone out there blogs about dummies in an unrepentant manner. I mean it. I’ve about had it with blogs about perfect kids and perfect lives. THANK YOU.

    PS: Starbucks. Ick. Yet another reason I don’t drink coffee at all.

  26. Hi Stephan Love the strip. Can’t wait for the next treasury. I hear about the lady giving out her tale of woe. There’s just too many lonely people out there. They go to the post office to buy one stamp skipping the stamp vending machines just so they can vent on the postal worker.Be thankful you can still afford Starbucks!

  27. what in the world are you doing in a starbucks in the first place you deserve grief for going into one.

  28. You were born on the wrong side of the country, my friend. You should have been a New Yorker.

    Your pal in NYC,
    MAG

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