A Heartwarming Story About My Closest Friend

My closest friend my whole life has been this guy named Emilio.  We’ve known each other since first grade, which means we’ve been friends for some 35 years.  If there’s one thing you need to know about Emilio, it is this:

I’ve never really liked him.

The problem is that when you’re me, you can’t be very choosy about friends.  So I haven’t been.  Hence Emilio.  Or as I like to call him, “That fat bastard.”

I bring this up only to tell you a brief story.

When Emilio and I are in a bar, he will inevitably start talking to other people in the bar.  I, on the other hand, like to stand in a corner talking to no one.  Sometimes facing the wall.

Invariably, Emilio will tell the people he’s just met (often two attractive girls) that the guy staring at the wall is his friend.  He then invites me over.

I say hi.  They ask what I do.

Emilio answers for me.  “He’s a cartoonist.”

One asks, “What do you draw?”

Emilio answers for me again. “Have you ever heard of the comic strip, ‘Calvin and Hobbes’?”

They shriek with excitement.

“Well,” Emilio says, “that’s not the one he draws.”

They sigh.  A sigh so audible that they cannot hear it when he adds, “He draws one called ‘Pearls Before Swine.'”

The girls say nothing.

I sip my beer.  I stare at the ground.

And Emilio laughs.

Damn that fat bastard.

22 thoughts on “A Heartwarming Story About My Closest Friend

  1. Cheer up some day women will be wanting you to sign a pig or rat tattoo, hopefully in some interesting places.

  2. hahaha… you need to start running into better people that know you.

  3. ha ha sounds like a funny best friend to have. But trust me you will make it…one day PEARLS & SWINE will be bigger and better than calvin & hobbes (ps i already think it is better atm).

  4. Emilio sounds fabulous, but agreed that a hedgehog should be thrown at him. Meanwhile, if I heard “This is the guy that draws Pearls before Swine”, I would probably have a mini-orgasm on the spot. so goes to show that the type of bar you’re frequenting obviously needs to change.

  5. “…wanting you to sign a pig or rat tattoo, hopefully in some interesting places.”

    Like in the Lincoln Memorial or the Pig Museum in Bad Wimpfen, Germany.

  6. I’ll bet that guy has problems in his own relationships… intimacy issues, perhaps a failed marriage or two. Was he a fat little boy as well… my guess is “yes”. Maybe he has a controlling mother?

  7. you know what’s scary? i think _every_ cartoonist had a friend like Emilio.

    Only my friends lie and say i draw Pearls.

    I’m trying to figure out where that places me on this scale.

  8. My friends just say I’m going to hell. Just because I have fantasies involving hedgehog throwing at the people who wake me up at 9 am on Saturday to convert me. Hissssssssssssss………..

    On a different note, we got over 2 feet of snow in western North Dakota today and everything is shut down. I’m going to befriend the yeti in my backyard that wandered in from Tibet. Can you draw a yeti into your strip Stephan?

  9. Everyone has an Emilio (though I wouldn’t say mine is my best friend, and he certainly doesn’t have a cool name like Emilio) Mine tells girls I’m a rich software engineer (I’m 24, work in a toy store..) and tries to hook them up with me regardless of age or status..

  10. Why not get even with Emilio, like you did with the old guy in the airplane. Let out a loud fart, and then say to Emilio: “Gosh dang, you fat bastard, I told you to quit drinking those Shirley Temples. They make you reek”. Just watch the girls’ expressions then!!

  11. Ok [1] Screw a girl who can’t appreciate Pearls Before Swine. As a 22 year old female who would actually consider herself to be fairly eligible and decently attractive, I love Pearls Before Swine, having it sent to my inbox every morning. There are certainly attractive AND intelligent girls out there. I am addicted to Pearls and have a personal attachment to Rat as he reminds me of….myself. [2] I also wanted to thank you for the Hooka King strip this morning. As a person who speaks Arabic, smokes a ton of Hooka and has lived in the Middle East, I can only say that I hope this Hooka King continues. A good joke about the Saudi ban on female drivers would also be good….I can see pig doing something there.

  12. Well, it beats the dwarf that got drunk one night and got into an argument with his best friend, and then had to stumble his way home alone.

    When he lost his way, a traffic cop stopped him and offered to help him cross the street on the crosswalk. The dwarf insisted that he was fine and could get home without help….the cop persisted, and the dwarf beat him to a pulp.

    The moral of the story is: Never cross a drunken dwarf!

  13. If I was in a bar and someone introduced a guy as the person who draws Pearls Before Swine, I would squeal like an idiot. Just FYI. It’s a little kiss-ass to say so, but oh well. I just love your strip, man.

  14. I am pretty sure I am my friends’ version of Emilio. Your Emilio’s antics cracked me up, much like my antics crack me up. Although my base of friends don’t find me as amusing.

  15. Did you get your revenge on Emilio by naming the doorman with the big ears after him?

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