I am not proud of this blog post

Last week, I was the last person to board my Southwest plane heading from Baltimore to Denver.  Everyone stared at me as I boarded, undoubtedly angry at me for holding up the plane.  It had not been my fault.  My connecting flight into Baltimore had arrived late.  But no one cared.  They hated me.

I took the only seat available, between two obese people.  No one else had wanted the seat, which is why I got it.  I was a grape tucked in between two cantaloupes.

Worse, I had on a thick, long wool coat.  And because the whole plane was staring at me as I boarded, I felt too self-conscious to take the time to remove the coat.  So I just took my cramped seat and sat there, hot.  Boiling hot.

But that’s not the bad part.  The bad part is that I had gas.

I did not want to go to the bathroom because the large man sitting between me and the aisle already looked angry at me.  And worse, he was fully ensconced in his seat, laptop on tray table, papers in lap.  Asking him to move would have been a big production.

So I held it in.

And sat like the squished, gaseous grape that I was.

For the next four hours.

When the plane landed, the flight attendants asked those of us flying on to Oakland to stay seated after everyone de-boarded, so they could get what they call a “through-count.”

When they said we could move around, I did.  There were only around a dozen or so of us left on the plane, so I moved to a section that had almost nobody in it.  And I moved fast.

And there, I let one go.

I thought it was the polite thing to do.  After all, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  And I had waited this long.

But I had made a miscalculation.

I had not anticipated the flight attendant coming back up the aisle to clean up the plane.

I watched, helpless, as he walked toward me.

When he reached my section, he made a face.  He could obviously smell that someone had let one go in the cabin.  Then he stared at me.

I panicked.  And I did the only thing a right-thinking person could do.

I pointed toward the elderly gentleman asleep in the seat across the aisle.  Then I shook my head and rolled my eyes, as if to say, “Old people.  They just can’t control themselves.”

The flight attendant nodded his head, as though he understood.

And I shook my head one more time. For emphasis.

31 thoughts on “I am not proud of this blog post

  1. In situations like those, I usually stop and ask myself What would Rat do? (or WWRD) I think pointing at the old guy (or Pig) would be the right thing.

  2. For shame . . . small thing really, you saved yourself and the flight attendant from embarrasment, and old people are sometimes like that.

    An almost perfect crime, then you go and blog about it . . .

  3. So YOU were the idiot that held up the flight? Thanks, buddy, you made me miss my daughter’s soccer game.

  4. As a relatively frequent user of Southwest, I pray that I have a chance to catch you a plane sometime.

    The hilarity will be more than what’s tolerable, man.

    But not too close — frankly, I just won’t know if you’ll be packing some serious chemical weapons 😉

    But after the flight . . . let’s have a good chat 😀

  5. Surely the flames of hell await thee. Blame not the old man, lest thou spend eternity playing harmonica with thy butt-lips.

  6. And here all you thought you could do was draw funny pictures. Looks like you’re pretty adept at drawing funny word pictures as well.

  7. If the cantaloupes were already ticked off, why not earn their fury by letting fly? Maybe the little air masks would have descended…..

  8. What?!?? No caustic and vitriolic remark about that innocent old gentleman in Yiddish? 🙂

    Rat would be appalled!

  9. Oh man, that is too funny. Gross, childish, mean and tasteless but funny as hell.
    Having gotten caught before “passing the chuff”, I blamed on the pregnant cat we had. And the dog. And sometimes my toddler girl (Which I am not proud of).

  10. You should have relieved yourself of the gas while wedged between the obese guys. They deserve to smell your gas for being so fat. In fact, I would have taken off my heavy wool coat, lifted my arms toward the ceiling, and aired out my stinky, sweaty pits between them. That would have shown them!

  11. What’s a poor, squished, gassy grape to do in a situation like that?
    Exactly what you did. I’m sure old bloke didn’t mind. You used emphasis.

  12. perhaps the old guy actually passed one at the same time you let yours fly!! and ‘relieves’ you of any guilt 🙂

  13. Wow! Holding that gas for 4 hours. I can’t hold it for four minutes, let alone 4 hours. You’ve just raised the bar for all of us men on being “chuff atheletes”. What’s next? A detailed description of a Friday night date with the misses? I hope not!!! (then again, that could be funny also)!

  14. Man so THAT was what that weird smell was the other day..
    I was sitting in my studio, here in Denver, drawing away..and whewwwwwwwwww
    I could not for the life of me figure that out.
    Thanks Stephan for clearing that up for me…

  15. how bad was the gas? Was it like get out of the room bad or OMG! and jump out of the plane bad? This was your rat side of you. If i where the old guy and the plane person came over i would be like “what?” and he wold be like. ” Dude don’t cut the cheese.” and i would be like.” chill dude, im a senoir. i got bingo.” ok bye mr.pastis. Do u remeber me? yeah i think u do. ok check out my website soon. thx bye!

    my website: http://www.cartoonie.wordpress.com. and one mor thing. u should of cut the cheese by the big strong guy. he mite of fainted. bye!

  16. dude when ever i read your books or blogs some stuf like this @#!% always happens to you. and somtimes me. i will never know why.

  17. Best thing to do is to lose one on an escalator. Then you can listen to the people behind you blame each other.

  18. wow. that was messed up. I’ve been on a plane between two fat guys who drunk scotch the whole way, but I didn’t have gas.

  19. That’s almost as shameless as blaming the dog. It probably would have been better to let it go between the two obese folks. You might have had a shot at the guy on the aisle getting up to get some air and then you could have taken your coat off AND gone to the bathroom.

  20. I don’t know what’s better, what happened or the fact that you actually told the world about it. XD

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