Staci Doesn’t Read My Blog, Which Is Why I Can Say All Of The Following

I lose four or five pairs of sunglasses a year.

I leave them in cafes, restaurants, cars, gyms and any other place where I can take them off my head.

So when I buy them, I buy cheap ones.  The $19 ones you get on drugstore racks.

But two weeks ago, I found a great pair for $100.  I knew my wife Staci wouldn’t be thrilled, so I called her.  She told me not to buy them because I would lose them.  I told her I really wanted them and that I wouldn’t lose them.

I lost them that day.

Don’t know where.  Don’t know how.

I just know I didn’t have the heart to tell Staci.  And I couldn’t come home with a $19 pair, because she would know the difference.

So I spent $100 and bought a replacement.

It was an expensive thing to do, but I was desperate.

And before you, the reader, start judging me for my wastefulness, consider this one additional thing that happened to me yesterday:

I lost the replacement pair.

I am now down $200 and have no sunglasses to show for it.  And I know when the credit card bill comes, Staci is going to see it.  And when she sees I spent $200 on two pairs of sunglasses, both of which are gone, she is going to go through the roof.

I’m thinking of losing a lot of weight and painting dark circles under my eyes in the hope that she’ll think I’m just a heroin addict.  Either that or bring home a prostitute.

At least that way I’ll have something tangible to show for the money I spent.

I’m open to suggestions.

114 thoughts on “Staci Doesn’t Read My Blog, Which Is Why I Can Say All Of The Following

  1. If the circles under the eyes get real bad, you could always go with the mugging excuse.

  2. I am the same way with sunglasses. Although I also tend to break them. I had one expensive pair and then never again.

    Have you considered either 1) getting the bill before she sees it (I know that is probably unlikely) or maybe faking an accident where they were “destroyed” or maybe saying you felt bad and donated them (or at least one pair)? Have you checked at the most common places you visit to see if someone turned them in? Seems unlikely, but it can’t hurt to check. I mean, you are in trouble for loosing the first pair no matter what, but if you can come up with some sort of tragic end for the second pair maybe it wouldn’t be as bad.

  3. Oh dear.

    Personally, I’d tell her the truth BEFORE she sees the statement (which at least shows you’re trying to be honest with her). You could even offer to cut back on something else you normally spend on until that wonderfully wasted $200 is made up. Which shows you want to be honest AND learn from your mistakes.

    Either that, or start begging for money on the streets until you make enough non-accounted for money to buy another pair and keep it in a safe place. You know, like at home.

  4. No big deal. Tell your wife you know this guy that buys your drawing for $2k and the same guy spends $800 for 3 pairs of Oakleys that are rarely worn. There’s nothing wrong with have something nice in life, even at a stiff price! :)

  5. Tell her you donated them to charity. It’s probably easier to trick the IRS than to fool your spouse. The worst the IRS can do is throw you in jail.

  6. Dude, go with the prostitute…maybe she will be into a 3some….NEVERMIND….do not listen to me…..yeah, go ahead, try it….or just buy another pair of $100 sunglasses and lose THEM too…that way you can say “things come in 3′s”….GOD, I’m no good at lying either….sorry

  7. Stephan: Been there done that. My husband used to try to hide money from me that he knew I would be angry that he spent (and I mean ANGRY)! He would do it anyway, which is ridiculous because I handle all of our finances and bank on-line. Staci will be upset with you (my husband is constantly losing or misplacing everything), but believe me, she will be more upset that you didn’t tell her in the first place. Soooo, own up and tell her. By the way, my husband and I are very happily married, he is my best friend, which is why I get angry when he betrays that trust. Okay? Now, one last thought, this is my first comment to you and I want you to know I LOVE Pearls Before Swine. It is my favorite and although there are so many, I think the Sunday strip about a year ago, where Rat and Pig got their free atlas was about the funniest thing I ever read! Or, wait, maybe it was the “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t Vicks it”. Hard to decide!

  8. Dude – go buy the $5.00 at Walmart – you can loose 20 of those to your heart’s content & she won’t bat an eyelash…. & yeah – $5.00 is a cheap pair of sunglasses, not $19.00!!! Sheesh – ex-lawyers…!

  9. When confronted just laugh maniacally and light a cigarette with another hundred.

    Great strip today. Pigs have stubble?!!

  10. Wow, $200 down and no article to show for it. Ok, the mistake was not the call but in asking for permission. You turned her into a form of parent that has power over you instead of a partner that knows you, loves you and wants you to be well. You are supposed to CORORDINATE with her, your time, energy, money, and resources to make sure you both achieve your “Destinies”. You have to assume she will be upset over your deceit in making a unilateral decision….then the cover up. At that point you fell into the little boy routine and she doubts your commitment as a working partner. So…the way out is always a sense of learning or growth. “God what was I thinking. You know me better than myself. I can’t do that kind of thing again because it isn’t worth messing up us.” Or some words to that effect. She has to be “right” before the bill comes, which if it does, will prove she will have to continue to act as your mom. My experience with this is starting out your way. Lots of problems. Now being married to a therapist and being a marriage counselor myself, plus seeing these guys go down in flames each week, says…Working partner is best. Love is inclusive.

  11. Try to be home when the bill arrive. Then copy it in a Spreasheet with the same format and “forget” the line about the 100$.
    Do it twice, and you are now able to get a new pair.
    Though I’d not do it if I were you :|

    Best solution I see here is saying something like “Hey hunny, you know what? You already made me b-day gifts until 2012!”

  12. Tell her you are being bullied by some dude at the Coffee Shop. That you were standing in line for your daily Americano and this guy shoves you, rips the sunglasses off of your head and tells you to hurry up and order. You are so embarassed and in shock that you bought a replacement pair so your wife wouldn’t lose face of your being punked but it happened again this morning by the same guy at the coffee shop and now you are just scared so you are confessing the whole ugly incident so she understand that you were only thinking of how this would look to the world, you being a famous cartoonist and what if it got back to the kids or her family, that you were only thinking of her…. or something along the lines of a personal pity party.

  13. H’come she doesn’t read your blog? If I had a funny, gorgeous sexy husband I’d be reading his blog …

    Bribe the mailman to keep an eye out for the cc statement & hold it for you.

  14. i know! Sell a drawing one ebay and put the web url on ur fblog and facebook fan page and bang! ull get 200 dollars!:D

  15. Crawl up to her on your knees. Say, “Dear, you were right. I’m a fool. I bought those expensive sunglasses, and I lost them.” Lower your head and start weeping. “And then I bought another pair, and lost them, too. Forgive me! I’m an idiot. You are the wise one.” Bow down before her, your forehead on the ground, and continue sobbing.

    You’ll gain bonus points if you flagellate* yourself, too. (*this word is not as dirty as it sounds)

  16. Stephan, you mean to tell us your wife doesn’t read your blog? Go to Walmotopia and get you a cheap replacement pair. Hopefully you can pass those off as a $100 pair. And for someone who constantly loses sunglasses…wtf were you thinking??
    Good luck!

  17. Do a special drawing of Rat and Pig, each wearing sunglasses, while you the creator, is looking for them. Or you ask where they are and they, wearing them, claim they haven’t seen them.

    Then, sell it on EBay, for more than $200. You will have made lemons into lemonade.

  18. Tell her the $200 pair of sunglasses were a gift for her, which you hid in a special place for her to find. Since she couldn’t find them you can accuse her of losing them, thereby placing the blame on her. Problem solved.

    And maybe she’ll feel guilty enough to get you a nice $100 pair of sunglasses.

  19. I’m just like Stephan when it comes to sunglasses. So after loosing (or breaking) expensive sunglasses I, too, switched to the cheap highway rest-stop kind.

    I found two at one store that I liked so much I bought both, because… hey, I’ll lose them.

    Well, I lost one pair, but at least I had the second.

    Then I found the first pair, so now I had two again.

    It’s been 10 years since I’ve first bought them. But I know… I KNOW if I get a good pair I’ll still lose it and be stuck with the two cheap pairs.

  20. Ok…here is what I would have done…paid the $19 on a credit card and the rest in cash, so she would have thought the sunglasses were the $19.00 variety….but since you didn’t do that, I guess you are in BIG trouble. Better luck next time…nice knowing ya! :)

  21. I’d write about it on your personal blog she almost definitely reads. That way you don’t have to tell her directly, and you get to write it off as a work related expense.

  22. Tell her that someone bumped into you, knocked the glasses off, and broke them. The clumsy oaf then agreed to repay you for the broken pair, but you purchased the replacements with your credit card instead of cash to get whatever bonuses your card offers.

  23. I’d say to find some cheap costing but of better quality knock-offs on the quick. A pair for each of you. Then tell her you loved yours so much you decided to buy her a pair, too. Then perhaps she will lose her pair before you lose your new pair. Then the guilt is all on her first. ; )

  24. Yeah, she is going to be mad but this is how you control it. I don’t use it often and only play this card when she is really mad. After she is done chewing you out look at her with a straight face and announce since she is mad you are with holding sex from her!!! If your wife is like mine by the time she is done laughing she forgot why she was mad. Once again don’t over use.

  25. Did you call your credit card company? Some cover lost items–just point them to this blog as evidence–and they might refund you the money. Heck, we’ll all be covering your loss, in a sense, because it’ll probably be tax dollars they’ll be using for the refund.

    But they also may never let you buy sunglasses with their card again…

  26. I’d have to go with Greg’s idea. You could just do a picture and sell it for $20 a piece. You’ve got plenty of fans that would pay for it, especially if you’ve got a story like this behind it. Heck, you might make enough to buy a third pair!

  27. Go Kobe on her and buy her a big diamond ring. Tell her that the first two $100 charges were a non-refundable down payment and a “fitting fee” for the ring. Then it is all about her. If she doesn’t want the ring, let her know that you are still out the deposit and the fitting fee.

  28. The obvious answer is to start endorsing sunglasses. I’m sure Rat wouldn’t mind. That way, the freebies will be *rolling* in.

  29. Stephan, I saw the whole thing. FIrst, the Faulkner fans jumped you from behind. Then the London fans came up to you in a dark alley. When the Bil Keane fans showed up, I knew you and your snazzy sunglasses were done for.

    Boy, you sure piss off a lot of folks. Better stick to the $5 pairs.

  30. If were Staci I would read your blog and lie about it.

    Get one of those things you attach to the glasses so you can just hang them around your neck. The manly kind, of course. ;o)

  31. I call shenanigans. You can’t tell me your own wife doesn’t read this blog. Hence she already now knows about the lost sunglasses. So there’s nothing you can do this time except to man up, buy her flowers or some other ‘trophy’ for being right, and promise never to do it again.

    Then go get yourself your own grown-up bank account. All married people should have joint accounts and each should also have their own private account(s). Never buy anything with the credit or debit card. Just make cash withdrawals and pay cash for things & throw out the receipts.

    If you feel guilty & want to be up-front about all this, you could auction some personalized drawings on eBay for $150. $100 can buy you your sunglasses, and you can donate $50 to some charity. Everyone wins, including the guy who’s been following you around taking advantage of your propensity to lose things.

  32. If you think you have a stalker following you around, it’s just me collecting sunglasses. Actually you could just hire me as your “sunglasses keeper.” Anytime you go into a store you simply hand them to me to hold and then I give them back to you when you go outside. It would probably be cheaper than what you are doing now. I could wear one of the many pairs I will have picked up along the way and then I’ll just look like your body guard and you will seem that much more improtant.

  33. Honestly, people mess up. You need to tell her and stick to the “disposable” sunglasses…I lose them too! Did you check the dryer?? There’s a black hole in those things.

  34. If you were to involve prostitutes in an excuse, I would first sell her on the idea that you are testing the waters for a political career. Just to add more credibility, you could claim you are interested in the governorship of New York. Or South Carolina, whichever climate more appeals to you.

  35. I say buy a third pair of glasses and one of those strings that hang around your neck to attach to the glasses. You may look dorky, but at least you’ll hang onto your glasses. Life is full of little trade-offs; this is one of them.

  36. I say let her know, and then do the ebay plan people have suggested, so you can let her know that you’re going to make up the money. If not specific pictures, you could offer commissions (at your discretion).

    Also, you might try setting up a paypal donation button. Some of your fans with spare cash might take pity upon you and donate a little, and if enough people do so, you might be able to raise enough just by that.

  37. Tell her you the ghost of William Faulkner appeared and stole them as retribution for mocking him.

  38. Tell her you’ll make it up to her by taking her on a second honeymoon that will be just like the first one. She’ll probably buy you a crate of sunglasses.

  39. Say that the second pair were for her because you thought the pair you bought were so nice, but that someone ran into you and stole both pairs as you walked out of the store. Just a suggestion…

  40. Pretend you bought something really nice for her with that money, but it’s a surprise so you can’t tell her what you bought. Think of something to buy for her and buy it with cash. -$ + ♥ = ☺wife

  41. Immediately go out and spend $300 on something nice for her, do not lose it on the way home.

  42. Is Staci secretly my mother, because my mother said the same thing about my sunglasses, and when I broke my last pair after only a few weeks, she was pissed off about that I bought a $50 pair to replace a $10 pair.

    I wouldn’t do anything different about it though, as I love the new pair, and they actually sit properly.

  43. Suggestion:

    1. Wear them with a string around the back, or one of those things.
    2. Clip them into the neck of your shirt as I do. It might pinch your neck, but you won’t lose them.
    3. Don’t wear sunglasses.

  44. Sorry, Mr. Pastis. I had mistakenly thought that you deleted the comment where I said that you were going to be in trouble. My apologies.(Sorry if that phrase makes you want to beat me in the head with a Rat doll/Rat brick! Hey, wait, I just had a great idea! In one comic, you could have Rat try to sell a brick that has his photo on it. Maybe you could even release a (stuffed toy)version of it. Sorry if this bothers you. In one of your treasuries, you said that you didn’t really enjoy a contest where people gave ideas for a Pearls before Swine strip.)
    Zarion Kreena
    miscellaneoussoup.wordpress.com

  45. You could tell her you were in the Sunglass Hut shopping when in walked Stevie Wonder and his entourage and he wanted to buy two pairs of those exact sunglasses but he forgot his wallet, so you purchased them for him as a gift. Stevie was so grateful he told you he would write a song for his next album dedicated to Stacey…

    On second thought…you’re a dead man.

  46. C’mon Dude! Who wears the pants?? Man up and don’t tell her anything… you make all the dough don’t ya? What’s $200 to a “Big-Time Ex-Lawyer”??

  47. Just tell her you got robbed of your credit card and the dude spent 200$ before you cancelled it and then reopened it after you got it back from under your dresser. I tried it on my wife after I bought a new car and it worked. Except she didn’t get that mad. Because I make 4 million a year.

  48. I think you should use a combination of the idea
    “by Patrick Turner March 9, 2010 at 6:17 PM”
    AND the idea
    “by Greg March 9, 2010 at 6:41 PM”

    Tell Stacy that you were bullied at the coffee shop… {blah blah blah talkie talkie talkie} and THEN show Rat wearing one pair and polishing the other as you look on in amazement. And a little fear.

  49. The first pair is under one of the seats in your car, probably a seat you don’t ever use yourself and would never expect your sunglasses to migrate to. This is true even if you’ve never actually worn your sunglasses in the car and have no conscious memory of ever bringing them along on a drive.

    The second pair is more mysterious. It could be at the coffee shop, in the grocery store (along the little rack where they’re supposed to put the grocery dividers), or in the building in which you rode the elevator facing the wall. It could have been left at the bank, on that little table where one writes out deposit slips, but only if one is still old-fashioned enough to enter a bank building for this purpose.

    It could be somewhere in your house, having never actually made it outside. Or it could be in a pocket of the laptop bag you almost never use but took along one day to the coffee shop because the bag you always use was temporarily misplaced.

    It’s probably easier to be yelled at by one’s spouse than to go to the trouble of looking for either pair, though.

  50. Hi Staci! As long as you’re reading this, you might as well say hello to everyone.:)

  51. It’s quite simple, really.

    1. Go to the nearest museum, amusement park, or transit system Lost & Found Office.

    2. Piteously explain that you lost a pair of _________ sunglasses.

    3. Watch them drag out a box of lost sunglasses for you to look through.

    4. Take yer pick.

  52. You took a risk and you lost, so you’re only human. She’ll call you stupid, but it’s no different than making a bad investment or gambling. Should have come clean with the first $100 loss, wouldn’t have been so bad then to try and cover it up…that’s a bit immature, but hey either your wife is the forgiving pig, or the un-forgiving rat, either way, it could have been worse. I’ve seen sunglasses for a lot more than $100 out in L.A.!

  53. That’s happened to me a few times. Seriously. What I like to do is douse myself in gasoline and human feces, light myself on fire and then go for the sympathy angle. But hey, this may not be everyone’s idea of good subterfuge. I understand that.

  54. You gotta have at least 200 fans that would put out a $1 each. Set up a paypal account and see what happens!

  55. Tell her you liked the glasses so much that you bought two pairs, but then you got mugged on the way home and the hoodlums stole them, along with the lovely present you bought her using cash…

  56. I suggest you spend two hundred dollars a night on a hotel room for a couple of weeks…. somewhere across the country. Of course when you finally go home she’ll really kick your ******* over the hotel room. But if you’re lucky maybe she’ll forget about your loosing the sunglasses for the amount you’ll have dropped on the hotel room.

  57. I suggest you get one of those granny strings that you attach to your glasses and wear them around your neck. Sure you’ll look like a dork, but hey you’re used to that already.

    BTW, don’t bother painting the dark circles under your eyes. I have a feeling Staci will punch you right between the eyes and you will be sporting the raccoon look for a few weeks.

    Good luck Stephan, you are going to need it.

  58. You could try this…

    1) Tell your wife there must have been an error at the store and you will take care of the matter.

    2) Go back to the store, return the sunglasses and then buy them again using cash. Therefore the store has to credit your $100.00 back on the card and you can get the sunglasses back.

    3) Pray she doesn’t know how to read the coding on the credit card statement.

    4) Buy your wife an especially expensive gift for her B-day or Arbor Day, whichever comes first.

    You can buy a clean soul…

  59. Whatever you do, don’t be honest. Honesty is for people who aren’t good at lying. Just tell her that you followed her advice, and left the shop. You walked outside and saw a blind man crossing the street and he got hit by a taxi, which promptly drove off without stopping. You helped him up, but his glasses were broke, and you offered to buy him a pair. You buy the glasses, knowing that Staci would think you were buying them for you, but since you were doing a good deed you would take any verbal abuse Staci would give you. You give the blind man the glasses, just as a second blind man gets hit by a different taxi. You buy him a pair. Knowing that Staci wouldn’t believe you were buying sunglasses for all these blind men, you decide to take matters in your own hands and become a voluntary crosswalk guard for blind people. You buy a third pair of sunglasses so your eyes don’t get damaged while performing volunteer work. The police stroll by, thank you for your efforts and good deeds, you turn down a medal of honor, and return home to take a verbal assault from Staci knowing that you are a hero. You are a hero Pastis! Don’t forget the blind men!

  60. Oh…sorry about that. Just read it again and forgot the point that you lost the second pair.

    You’re screwed. Own up. That’s all you can do.

    Unless you spend $200.00 cash on something for her there and say you bought it over 2 transactions.

  61. expensive sunglasses should never not be touching your body. if you remove them from your face, you simply slide them to the top of your head. since you wear caps, you can put them on the cap. then they never get lost.

  62. Maybe you should attach the glasses to one of those strings old people use. On a related thought, how do know you have just twoo kids? Maybe you lost one and these are your back-up kids.

  63. Why even worry?! I have the perfect solution! Send me an autographed pic of the Pearls gang and I’ll send you 1.) 2 $100 sunglasses or 2.) 1 $200 sunglasses. I would be MORE than glad to help you out!!

  64. You’re right about needing something to distract Staci. I think I can help. Please send me your credit card number and expiration date and I will take care of everything.

  65. Another idea: draw a Pearls strip just for her to illustrate the truth, maybe ending with a sad-faced Pig presenting flowers and an appology to Pigita.

  66. 1. Don’t post your confession on a blog.
    2. Pay cash for stuff like that
    3. Wear your sunglasses all the time like Elvis and Michael Jackson (of course this might not be good advice as they both ended up dead…but what do you want to face less, and angry wife of the Grim Reaper?)
    4. For less than $15 you can buy a chord to attach to the sunglasses and let them hang from your neck when not in use
    5. Go back to suggestion #1, buy another two pair and say one was for her.

  67. That is hilarious…. I have the same problem except that I buy $5 pairs at wal-mart – 4 at a time!

  68. Arrange your features into a vacant look and say something intelligent like, “Hunh?” when she asks about the charges. That’s what my husband does.

  69. Tell her that you liked your pair so much you bought her a pair, but then point to the dark circles under your eyes and tell her you were mugged by a bear that escaped from the circus.

  70. Pingback: Top Posts — WordPress.com

  71. Dude – you spend 19 bucks on sun glasses!? Wow .. I wish I was a cartoonist …

    A

  72. Don’t you have a 99-Cents-Only store where you live? Their sunglasses and reading glasses are fine and you NEVER have to worry about losing them unless you worry about losing a dollar. I do, but that’s just me. I can’t imagine how awful I’d feel in your situation beccause I would never be dumb enough to get into your situation.

    Fess up and take your punishment. And buy a lot of $1 sunglasses.

  73. Geez, stop insulting the man! He’s intelligent enough (back me up on this one, Stephan) to come up with “Tell her the truth” or “Apologize”. And insulting him for not “wearing the pants” is even more stupid. If he ever wants sex again, that’s not gonna fly.

  74. Grovel… Then buy several pair of cheap sunglasses at Dollar Tree like my husband does. We also buy reading glasses by the handful there. Then place them all over the house so when one is lost, another is nearby.

  75. Fess up! Apologize, and earn some extra money somehow to make up for it. Then, instead of buying 19$ glasses, buy Staci roses! >.> You are still in trouble tho.

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