I’ve noticed that all my problems have one thing in common: They are caused by other people.
Armed with that knowledge, I have conducted my life with one central tenet in mind:
Avoid people. Especially the ones you know.
Key to this strategy is the drive-thru line at my local Starbucks. Instead of encountering a minimum of twenty other humans, you encounter just one, the person who works the window. Encountering just one person instead of twenty eliminates 19 possible problems. That has win all over it. I’m hoping that one day technology will be able to eliminate that one person, but until that day, a man can only dream.
But this morning I had a revelation. Why do we limit drive-thru lines to food and drink? Why not expand it to all social interaction?
The social interaction I have in mind is the wedding.
Weddings have all three things any right-thinking person dreads in this life: 1) relatives; 2) speeches and 3) relatives. Topping this off is the fact that you have to buy these people something from the most expensive line of china these idiots could find and you’ve got the making of a tragedy.
Hence the drive-thru.
You would pull your car up to a window, where the bride and groom would be waiting. You greet them. You say congratulations. You hand them the gift. You drive off.
Even better, do it at a Taco Bell during operating hours. Then you kill two birds with one stone. You give the wedding gift. They hand you a taco and chalupa.
I am off to suggest this to some of wife’s relatives who are getting married this summer. I hope they recognize brilliance when they hear it.